How to approach mother about moving away from home?

Question

I'm 25 and have lived with my mom alone for almost 20 years (my older brother brother moved out 8 years ago.) My mom always pampered me, didn't make me work summers, etc. At the local university, I didn't really do well with the freedom (though I lived at home, I didn't get all good grades.) I didn't tell her about the bad grades because I was afraid to. I have a hard time talking to my mom when she might disapprove.

Now I have a girlfriend who will soon be moving to another city and I would like to follow her. I've wanted to move out from home seriously now for about 2 years, but I'm pretty sure my mother won't take it well. Two weeks ago we quarreled when I went away on a 2 day trip with my girlfriend and didn't call her every day. She also expressed that she hopes I'm not intending to move away with my girlfriend. I just gave her an evasive answer.

We have a good relationship overall, but I want to live my own life.

I don't know how to tell this to my mother. I know that she loves me, but I also know that she doesn't want to be alone (my brother lives in this town, so "alone" means in the house). I also am afraid that she will blame my girlfriend.

I should speak with her, but I really don't know how.

Does anyone have any good approaches to share when dealing with a parent who is afraid to be alone?

Answer 1

Negotiating boundaries in families can be very tricky. The first time you stand up for something you believe in against a parent who you know won't be happy about is difficult. Be comforted knowing that pretty much every adult you know got through it, and so will you.

You are an adult, and it is time for you to make this step. Choose your words ahead of time, practice them, and stick with them like a broken record that repeats and repeats. The "trick" is to stay calm, to not get drawn into arguments, and to keep repeating.

Start with a thank you, like: "Mom, you have done a great job raising me, you saw me through university and I know that was tough. You have prepared me to be an adult, and I love you for it."

Then state your case: "Now that I am an adult, I need to start taking charge of my life. Amy has taken a job in X City, and I have decided to go there with her for work."

Your mother will likely have much to say on the subject, asking you how you are going to do this and do that, and you should calmly stick to your statement, that you are an adult, and it is time for you to take charge of your own life, you will figure it out, but you appreciate how much she cares. Repeat repeat repeat.

There is a classic book on the subject of creating new boundaries in relationships called The Dance of Anger. It was written back in the 80s and it is still consistently checked out at the library where I work. The author, Harriet Lerner, takes you through example after example of how this works, so that by the end of the book, you feel ready to try it.

Good luck!