My girlfriend has a 2-year-old child from a past ex. The ex rarely visits his daughter, but the majority of the time he is there to sort of flirt a bit with my girlfriend. He does not know she is seeing someone, because she is mainly afraid he will do something crazy.

My girlfriend is a little into debt with her college, she never finished it because she got pregnant. It really is not that much, but it will grow.

Her ex is pretty much an ass. He stole her and their daughter's birth certificate and stole my girlfriend's ID card. He also used her SSN, we are trying to get social securities to change it, but they said they need concrete physical evidence.

My girlfriend currently lives with her parents. She does all the chores, cooking, cleaning, washing, etc. and has to take care of her daughter. Everyone else pretty much works. There is one person who doesn't, but that isn't important right now.

My girlfriend really does need a job. Now a concern of mine is that I am afraid her pay check is going to all go straight to a babysitter. The girl who doesn't work wants to be paid to watch her daughter and she lives in the same house. Personally, she is the type to want to get paid for doing nothing type of person.

I am unsure what to do. She has tried making accessories here and there and does sell them, but it is not enough to really support her and her daughter as well as other expenses that will arise for her. The entire family is living paycheck-to-paycheck, my girlfriend also needs to use her WIC check to help feed the entire family as well, but most goes towards her daughter.

Now me, I live 50 min away. I help her out as much as possible. I pay for everything we do and help her with some of the bills. I am a student, so I don't really mind for now. I got a part time job, which is simple and I get money for it. So, I help her out. The majority of the money is leftover money I have gotten from the government for school. I cannot keep doing this forever or else I will get into debt myself.

I am unsure how to help her. She has no transportation herself, but I am sure she can ride the bus or walk, it is just if she does get a job I don't know who can watch the daughter. We were hoping when she does go to school, put her into some after school programs so her mother could work more and not pay anyone to watch her since most after school programs are free, but she is only 2. She won't be in school for a while. Being a college student myself, I am helping her daughter with the learning development her age demands and she is a bright little girl too. Talks, sings well and identifies a lot of objects for only being 2 and a half.

Just, my girlfriend does need a job and quick. Her family makes her do all the chores, but she said she feels she doesn't contribute enough so she is willing to do them. At this pace she can't really get far with her life. She will be stuck there and I want to help her flourish into a better life.

Any suggestions people.

  • 3
    This question appears to be off-topic because it is not about parenting, but about finding a job and managing money.
    – Chrys
    Jan 11 '14 at 23:23
  • Fair enough. I suppose I can find somewhere else to post, but my purpose for posting her was finding people who were in somewhat in a similar situation. There are many woman who are just abandon per se when pregnant. SO, I was hoping to find someone with experience of that and offer help.
    – zyeek
    Jan 11 '14 at 23:26
  • 2
    zyeek, if you focus the question more on how to help in figuring out child care that won't eat up the money she makes working, perhaps it would be more on-topic. Unfortunately, for the rest of the posed problems in the question, I'm afraid I agree this may not be the right forum for you. You may find the moneySE a better place for asking the questions more closely related to the personal finance parts of your questions including, perhaps, helping protect SS number etc. You will want to split the question up into separate challenges though. Jan 12 '14 at 1:45

The first thing to do is to take a deep breath. This is a situation with a lot of emotional ties pulling your girlfriend in many different directions. There are a lot of relationships involved so at some point, so tread lightly.

That said...

Consider where you want you, your girlfriend and her daughter to be in two year's time. That's your short term goal. What needs to happen to get there?

From what you're saying, financial security and personal independence are crucial. To achieve this, your girlfriend will likely need to get a job to:

a) Get some money coming in and b) Get onto the employment ladder

With a bit of luck, one job leads to another, better job but you can't do that when stuck at home.

Next question, and one that's horrible to ask... can you trust the babysitter with the wee girl? You describe the babysitter in quite negative terms but if she'll take care for the little girl, she may be your best short term option. Professional child care can be very expensive and hard to maintain on an entry level salary.

So, define your goals and work backwards to determine what needs to happen. Take positive steps to achieve it and try not to compromise too much.

The boyfriend is a different matter. My advice for this is easy to give from where I sit but much harder to implement in real life. The guy is a bully, who's exploiting a young woman and her child. ... and this is the bit I'm loathe to type...

Your girlfriend needs to step up to protect her child. She's a mother now and needs to grow some fangs. The guy needs to return what was taken, stop taking advantage and either start helping or step back. Your girlfriend is not alone. She'll have direct support from you and her family plus much wider support from people she doesn't even know.

If she contact the Authorities, through Social Services, Citizen's Advice or even the police, there are support networks in place.

Or, of course, you could publish his details on the web and we'll set the cyber goons on him :)

Whether this has been helpful or not, I wish you all the best.

  • Thanks for the advice. I am not one to get emotional or a lot. Yes, she certainly needs a job, just a baby sister can be expensive. This person that could be a babysister is without a doubt trustworthy and sweet. Just is like well if you want me to watch her then pay me attitude. I don't know lol. That just strikes me as like sheesh. Yes, I am well aware of her ex being a terrible person and a scared punk who likes to take advantage of woman. I told her she needs to step up, but she is afraid he will take her daughter. Currently, I think there is no custody with her or something.
    – zyeek
    Jan 11 '14 at 23:41
  • They want to get full custody, but they cannot afford a lawyer I think it was. I love her daughter to death. If he did anything to harm either one of them I am going to ruing his life back per se lol. But yes, this guy does sound like a creeper or I should say his family heavily influences his bad actions.
    – zyeek
    Jan 11 '14 at 23:42
  • I don't see how the ex could have any kind of legal demand for custody. Not married, not divorced, that only gives him obligations but no rights. Are you sure she even needs to do anything to "win"? Jan 12 '14 at 21:11

Can she find another woman in the same situations who she TRUSTS? Through some church group maybe? One of them can watch the kids, one can work and pay her half? Two kids are really easier to take care of at that age than only one, they keep each other entertained. Or they can both get part-time jobs and watch the others kids when they're not working?

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