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As a parent, I find it nearly impossible not to lavish praise on my
kid. I mean, he does something kind, considerate, empathetic, helpful
– and “you’re such a good boy/sweet boy/smart boy” just flies out of
my mouth! I wrestle with “good job” on a daily basis. But there is
more and more parenting wisdom that points us away from over-praising
our children in hopes that they will have an easier time grappling
with failure, perfectionism and the like. We reached out to Amy
McCready, author and oft-featured parenting expert to give us some
tips on how to cork our own over-praising tendencies and give our kids
a solid sense of self-worth without needing to hear how great they are
all the time. — Sam Kurtzman-Counter, Exec VP of TMC
By Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions
“I’m so proud of you!” “You are such a good boy!” “You’re so smart!”
“You were awesome!” “You are such an amazing artist!”
Admit it, you have uttered statements like these to your child. It’s
good parenting, right? You’re showing your approval and it makes your
child feel good. When they feel better about themselves, they’re more
confident and they’ll grow up to be independent, successful adults… or
so the thinking goes.
Actually, while parents who praise their children have all the right
intentions, the underlying result from the praise is a child who
begins to need, crave and even depend on praise for their motivation,
and the “praise junkie” habit is formed.
The praise junkie is a person (kid or grown up) who needs consistent
affirmation from others to feel confident in his or her own ability or
choices. Younger praise junkies may seek approval from parents and
teachers. “Do you like my painting, Daddy?” “Was that a good shot?”
As kids get older, the praise junkie will turn to the peer group for
approval, which is not what most parents hope for.
Praise junkie kids eventually become high maintenance employees -–
needing ongoing awards, “at-a-boys” and recognition to affirm that he
or she is doing a good job. Fortune 500 companies grapple with how to
motivate praise-seeking employees. Ron Alsop, author of “The Trophy
Kids Grow Up,” says that “Millennials (born after 1980) seek loads of
attention and guidance from employers. An annual or even semiannual
evaluation isn’t enough. They want to know how they’re doing weekly,
even daily.”
What can you do to avoid raising a praise junkie? Here are three key
steps:
1. Shift the focus from external to internal motivation.
When your child says,”Do you like my painting, Mommy?” Respond with,
“Well, it’s more important how YOU feel about it. What do YOU like
about your painting?”
Instead of letting “I’m so proud of you” roll off your tongue, instead
say, “You must be so proud of YOURSELF!”
It’s fine that they know you’re proud of them, but it’s more important
that they be proud of themselves. We want to instill in them the
internal pride and motivation to take on new challenges, to work hard
and to make their own decisions even if it is counter to the pressure
of the peer group.
It may feel awkward at first when parents say, “You must be proud of
yourself,” but you’ll notice your child beam with pride – from the
inside!
2. Focus on the process versus the “end product.”
Pay less attention to the end product -– the ‘A’ on the science test,
the goal she scored, the “amazing” painting — and focus on the process
it took to get that.
For example: Instead of saying, “Wow you got an ‘A’ in science!” -–
say, “Wow, you must have put in a lot of hard work and study time.”
(Again, it’s great to get A’s, but how will your son feel if he works
like crazy, but brings home a ‘C’ in Spanish? Should he feel bad about
that if he did his very best?)
Parents should focus on the process -– the hard work and perseverance,
especially when things get tough. Encouraging those qualities can help
all kids to feel good on the inside -– not dependent on others for
approval.
3. Avoid Labels – positive or negative.
Most parents know that negative labels are discouraging to kids.
However, to avoid raising praise junkies, parents should also avoid
positive labels. Labels like smart, pretty and athletic are external
labels that put unnecessary pressure on kids to always live up to
those labels.
Dr. Carol Dweck’s Columbia University research on the impact of praise
concluded that when kids were labeled as “smart,” they felt the
pressure to protect their “smart” label. In her study, the children in
the “smart” control group were less likely to take on challenging
problems for fear they would compromise their “smart” label. On the
flip side, students who were encouraged for their hard work were
willing to take on more challenging tasks and even enjoyed trying to
come up with new solutions.
It’s best to stay away from labels all together. When you’re tempted
to use a label, think about the qualities or traits that make up that
label and encourage that in your child. For example: “That’s what I
call perseverance!”
Parents should also avoid the over-used “good boy” or “good girl.”
Instead, focus on the specific behaviors that you value. “I really
appreciate the way you offered to help without being asked. That made
my job a lot easier.” Or, if the behavior wasn’t appropriate, talk
specifically about that behavior instead of labeling the child as
“bad” or “naughty.”
All parents want kids to be capable, confident and motivated. However,
praising kids too much can have the opposite effect. A good rule for
parents to live by is to treat praise like candy – a small amount is
fine, but a steady diet can be toxic.
The first thing I understood is that I should use praise/reward
instead of criticism/punishment. The argument is that criticizing or
punishing often kills a child's spirit and self esteem. If you focus
instead on praise, you reinforce the child's self worth and since
children inherently want to please their parents, this will make them
want to behave instead of misbehave.
A couple of tips to handle situations that necessitate
criticism/punishment:
Describe the Situation Instead of Fixing Blame
For example: Instead of screaming. "I told you to sit down while
eating your dinner. Now, look what a mess you've made!", try saying
"If we don't sit down when we eat, food falls everywhere and makes a
mess." Stop at that and get your child in the habit of cleaning
his/her mess. Wait to catch at least one instance when the child eats
without making a mess, and show your appreciation. Rinse, repeat,
until things turn around. Say Nothing
Children know when they've made a mistake. Instead of lecturing them,
just take yourself out of the situation and let them work it out. Once
they realize by themselves that they made a mistake and take ownership
of it, they're less likely to repeat it. This may sound simple, but
from my own experience, this is one of the hardest tips to follow! 10
Things I Wish I Had Known Before Becoming a Parent
Raising a child is full of surprises. No matter how many books,
parenting forums, and Dr. Sears… Read more Express Your Feelings
Instead of lecturing, just express your feelings: "We need to leave
now, otherwise mama will be late for work and get into trouble. And
mama becomes sad if she gets into trouble." Amazingly, this works a
lot better than criticizing my daughter as we try to get out the door
in the mornings. Put Things in Perspective and Let Things Slide
There, I said it! For someone who is a bit of a control freak, even
saying this out loud is pretty painful. Most of the time, I can't get
myself to do this, but telling myself very often "She is just a
five-year old," does seem to help. Slowly I got in the habit of
avoiding criticism and waiting to catch my daughter in the act of
doing something good, and then showering her with praise. Except, as I
looked more into it, I began to read:
Not all praise is created equal (i.e., there is a right way to praise and a not-so-effective way to praise).
While it may result in good short terms gains, excessive praise may have some negative long term consequences.
Praising the Right Way
When I started to focus on the right way to praise, here's what I
found out.
Make the Praise Descriptive Instead of Generic.
For example: Instead of a generic "good job!" say, "I like the way
your shared the toy with your friend!" or "You did a good job cleaning
up your toys today!" The equivalent of "good job" in adult terms is
like saying "Let's meet downtown," whereas a descriptive praise is
equivalent to saying, "Let's meet at the intersection of 2nd Street
and Colorado Street."
10 Things to Stop Saying to Your Kids (and What to Say Instead)
Current research shows that some of the most commonly used and
seemingly positive phrases we use… Read more
The latter is a whole lot more helpful, right? The logic behind this
is that kids inherently need our attention. By telling them exactly
what it is that they did right, we empower them with the knowledge of
exactly what to repeat to get our attention again. Focus on the Effort
Instead of the Outcome
When you have no clue what the masterpiece is that your toddler just
handed you, instead of faking "That's so beautiful!" say, "Wow, it
looks like you put a lot of thought in it, what do we have here?" or,
"Wow, you used so many colors to make this picture so beautiful!" The
logic is, by focusing on the effort instead of outcome, we can avoid
raising praise junkies whose sole intention is to finish the project
to get praised by us (instead of taking pride in their own effort and
what they have accomplished).
Focus on Encouragement Instead of Judgement
For example: Instead of "I like that you cleaned up your room!" which
could send the signal that "mommy likes me only when I am being good,
"say, "You cleaned up all the toys! The room looks so clean and
beautiful! Thank you!" The idea here is to focus on "You did it!" and
then highlight the consequences and express your happiness about it.
No, you don't have to break up all your responses in that way as long
as the general message you send your children is that they did
something right that resulted in good consequences. This helps the
child develop a sense of internal evaluation, allowing them to take
responsibility for their action and pride in their achievements.
Six Communication Tricks That Will Get Your Kids to Cooperate
As the parent of a preschooler, I often notice myself feeling
frustrated and asking myself, “Why… Read more Raising Internally
Motivated Kids Instead of Externally Motivated Ones
So that leads us to the holy grail of positive reinforcement:
cultivating internally motivated kids instead of externally motivated
ones.
Frankly, I'm a long way off from getting to this point. I hope this
month's exercise in being positive, and specifically my focus on
positive reinforcement, will help me get a little closer. I just want
to put a few options on the table based on what I have read. Please
note that this is not all from experience (yet!) and this is by no
means a comprehensive list. (If you have a few additional tips, I
would love to hear them—just drop a comment below!)
Acknowledge, but Do Not Explicitly Praise
It sounds so simple, yet, it's very hard to let your child know that
you agree what she did was right without resorting to platitudes like
"Good job!" or even descriptive praise like "I love that you cleaned
your room." But, once a good parent-child bond is established, you can
just stand by the door of the clean room and smile appreciatively or
pat your child on the head to let them know that yes, you do agree
with their internal assessment that what they did is right.
Ask Questions, Instead of Jumping in with Praise
While you work up to just a nod of the head, there are other options
to let your child know that you've noticed without having to shower
them with excessive praise. One of the suggestions by Dr. Alfie Kohn
in the article Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!" is to just ask
questions. In the example above, you could just describe what you see
in the form of a question: "Did you do some magic in here? This place
looks so clean and neat!" or, "Hey, it looks like put away all the
toys back in their place! Did you figure out all by yourself what goes
where?" and then let the kids describe with a beaming smile how they
put away all the stuff and cleaned up the room. How to Manipulate Your
Kids into Doing What You Want
In an ideal world, parents would always be patient and nurturing, and
kids would always be… Read more
Say Thank You
As pointed out by Dionna in the article 7 Alternatives to Telling Your
Child "Good Job!", many of the situations where we use "good job!" are
situations that make our life easier. Why not come out and say it? In
the example above, "Thank you for cleaning up your room. Now, that's
one less thing I have to worry about when the guests arrive!" will
convey a heck of a lot more than "good job!"
No we have the whole positive reinforcement spectrum—and here's a
handy-dandy illustration of it:
How I Learned to Stop Nagging My Kids and Start Motivating Them
For me, going from nagging/criticism to whatever it is I need to be
doing to get her to want to sit down and enjoy a meal in peace has not
been easy. As far as I am concerned, my goal is to stay out of
pink/red and make progress towards the green/blue. Babysteps,
remember?
Where on the positive reinforcement spectrum are you? (It's normal to
be all over the place, even within the course of a single day, as we
react differently to different situations. Just think of one time
period–ex. this morning from breakfast to lunch—and try to figure out
what you did the most: punish, criticize, bribe, reward, praise,
encourage, or work towards an increased level of internal motivation?)
What is the one thing you need to stop doing when you interact with
your kids to start moving towards the right of the spectrum?