8-year-old daughter is obsessed with books - escaping from something?

Question

My daughter is 8 years old and is reading constantly.

• She wakes up and reads and I need to call her to breakfast 10 times (even though she herself devised a schedule for our morning routine)
• she escapes from the breakfast (or lunch or dinner table) as fast as possible to get back to reading
• if I don't check on her, she reads instead of getting ready for school
• she comes home and wants to read
• if she's upset (for the smallest of disagreements), she storms off and reads (she says she needs to calm down).

Even if her 5-year-old sister is around, she often prefers to sit on the sofa and read and let the little one mind her own business.

The other thing to call out is that it doesn't matter to her very much which book she is reading. She does get into a book deeply, but once it's done she immediately picks up the next. She has 10 open books scattered around the house and unless she is really stuck she'll just pick the closest one and starts reading.

This has always been like this to a degree, but I feel it's getting more pronounced.

For what it's worth, I'm erring on the side of more context in case this is useful:

a/ She's doing well at school, near the top of the class across all subjects and the teachers speak very highly of her and haven't flagged any concerns (though they have 30 children and as long as she "performs" well, they might not notice?)

We do send her to extracurricular activities (maybe too many of them). For example, she fought for us to buy her violin lessons, but she never practices on her own. She would rather read.

b/ I also see a lot of myself in her. I've never been diagnosed with anything, but like her I was good in school, am reasonably creative, am constantly fiddling with something, frequently touch my face, used to suck my thumb for a long time, find it hard to listen sometimes, can be self-absorbed (i.e., my needs first), need constant entertainment (phone, laptop, and iPad), find it hard to fall asleep and don't usually enjoy just being with my own thoughts.

My worry is that she uses books to escape from something, as if her thoughts or emotions are threatening to overwhelm her so she needs to distract herself.

And if that's the case I'm not sure whether this should be a concern or whether I should be grateful that she has a coping mechanism when things get out of hand for her.

Should I seek professional help?

What is a reasonable threshold here? I'm concerned for her longer-term mental health and resilience, but I would not in any way want to reinforce any feelings of being different or not belonging to this family. I'm also worried she could lose trust in us having her best interests at heart.

Answer 1

Disagreeing with commenters and the highest voted answer, I believe you are correct to wonder about what is driving your daughter to read so voraciously. I also want to commend you for your honesty in your self-appraisal.

From the comments, it seems that (probably) lots of people were/are voracious readers "who turned out just fine". The problem is, there are a lot of people with problems who think they are fine when they aren't. I'm not being judgemental or unkind; it's just that I've worked with too many people with mental health issues to believe that everyone who thinks they are "just fine" really are. Ask their partners for a more accurate assessment! (<-- That was meant in jest. Kind of. :D)

I have had additional training in mental illness, alcoholism and drug addiction, ran a free mental health and addiction clinic for a few years, and have extensive experience with mental illness, so maybe am more aware of problems than many. Also, consider Maslow's hammer, popularly phrased as "if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail". But a hammer isn't all I have.

There is a correlation (not claiming it's causative) between intelligence and reading, so it's not at all surprising that your daughter does very well in school. Questions arise about how well she's doing in other aspects of development, for example prosocial skills such as empathy (defined as "voluntary behavior intended to benefit another"), altruism (sharing/giving/generosity), and cognitive skills (e.g. creativity, problem solving, conflict resolution, etc.), communicative skills that are predictive of future peer relationships. You have told us a lot about your daughter's desire to read, but information is lacking in other areas. But there is enough to arouse some concern. (Of course, you'll list concerns. That's why you posted. But there is so much more...) The three that stopped me in my tracks were:

she escapes from the breakfast (or lunch or dinner table) as fast as possible to get back to reading

if she's upset (for the smallest of disagreements), she storms off and reads (she says she needs to calm down).

This has always been like this to a degree, but I feel it's getting more pronounced.

So, she prefers reading to discussions with the family, and problem solving skills are limited. To me, if these behaviors are habitual, they signal a problem. And it's getting worse.

How does she get along with other kids at school? Is she kind? (It sounds like she might be brusk with her little sister, but you didn't say.) Does she get along with the others? Does she play at recess or sit with others on lunch break, or does she read? What do the teachers say about her social skills (as opposed to academic)? These are important questions to which we have no answers.

My worry is that she uses books to escape from something, as if her thoughts or emotions are threatening to overwhelm her so she needs to distract herself. And if that's the case I'm not sure whether this should be a concern or whether I should be grateful that she has a coping mechanism when things get out of hand for her.

It's not an either/or situation. She may simply prefer books to people, finding books less complicated, therefore less work. Maybe this is just another way to phrase your concern, but one may indicate a very introverted person, the other someone without a prosocial bent. There are other possibilities as well.

Should I seek professional help? What is a reasonable threshold here? I'm concerned for her longer-term mental health and resilience but I would not in any way want to reinforce any feelings of being different or not belonging to this family. I'm also worried she could lose trust in us having her best interests at heart.

Resilience can be taught; read about how to teach resilience. As to being different, we are all individuals. If you place no specific value on being like everybody else, being her own self with her own strengths and difficulties should not be a problem. And as far as trust, that's built up over days, months, and years, not single events.

I believe your concerns are valid. The first step might be to talk to her pediatrician about your concerns, including the social aspects I mentioned and any others of concern.

_{Brief report: Patterns of prosocial behaviors in middle childhood predicting peer relations during early adolescence, Early socioemotional competence, psychopathology, and latent class profiles of reparative prosocial behaviors from preschool through early adolescence, and many others.}

Answer 2

Hmm, apparently my eight year old has a twin sister nobody told me about! Basically everything up there would word for word work to describe him.

This is totally normal at this age. It's hard to balance needs at eight, and when reading is the activity that is the most fun, why not do it all the time? And as a parent it's hard to argue to some extent... reading improves vocabulary and helps teach a child about other life experiences.

However, everything needs to have its limits. In this case, it's a problem when it interferes with normal life activities: getting ready for school, eating breakfast, getting enough nutrition. If that's the case, then it needs limits just like screen time would. Make sure she understands the rules about the morning routine, and if needed define "acceptable reading" time - or do what we do, which is that no reading/screen time is allowed until all of the "getting ready" is done, and then after that it's allowed until a set time. (For us, leaving for school is 8:05; once the kids are up, they have to have their morning chore done, lunch made, clothes on, shoes and backpack by the door; once that's done they can read/play until 7:30, at which point they stop, eat breakfast, and then at 7:55 get ready to go.).

If she's in too many activities, it's also possible she's over-socialized. My eight year old is somewhat of an introvert/extrovert hybrid; he likes playing with friends and needs that socialization to feel happy, but also needs time alone to recharge. Reading is a great way to do that - it is 100% your own time.

As far as escapism - while nobody on this site can diagnose your daughter with anything positively or negatively, there's nothing wrong with reading for fun or to escape reality to some extent. I wouldn't use that as the reason to seek professional help. You need to look at the sum of her life as a whole - does she socialize with others normally? Is she able to make and keep friendships? What does her teacher think of things - ask this question specifically, don't wait for something flagged; ask what she does at recess and if she plays with other kids.

Answer 3

As others have said (more eloquently than I would have done), many of us here were equally avid readers at a similar age.

What I would add is that "Even if her 5yo sister is around, she often prefers to sit on the sofa and read and let the little one mind her own business" is far from grounds for concern in its own right. Three years is a huge age difference at that age and in fact the 8-year old may be escaping from the boring trivial boring and trivial younger sibling (my brother is 2 years younger than me and I knew the feeling well). That's not to say there's anything to worry about in their relationship, just that they don't have much common ground, and the younger is unlikely to join in with the reading - peace and quiet for the older. I see a similar attitude among those of my daughter's friends (same age as yours) with younger siblings.

The one caution I'll mention from my own experience decades ago, is that being bookish, intelligent, and well-behaved in school doesn't necessarily go down well with all the other children. It might be worth trying to gently find out if there are children who are being mean, even bullying, that she likes to hide from in her own little world. An increase in escapism (if that's what all this reading is) could indicate a minor falling out with a friend, which can feel pretty devastating at that age.

Answer 4

Congratulations! Both you and your child probably have mild ADHD.

Let's have a quick run through of some of your complaints:

• Need to constantly be doing something / fiddling
• Need for constant entertainment
• Dislike 'not really having anything to do' i.e.being with your own thoughts
• Find it hard to listen to others
• Difficulty falling asleep
• Catastrophizing (immediately going through several steps before getting to a bad / worst-outcome scenario, probably something that happens when you're left to your own thoughts as you say)

A couple of other guesses that might apply:

• Creative (others don't usually come up with the things you do)
• Impulsive - want it now, 4 day shipping? Forget it!
• Strong emotional responses to stimuli - not illogical responses, but perhaps unreasonable in their intensity or passion
• Often changing between lots of tasks / hobbies / activities

You have an 8 year old. She likes to read.

You are worried that she has somehow experienced trauma or has some other need to 'escape' from the world? How many 8 year olds do you know that have had such strongly negative experiences that they show this level of escapism?

She probably just enjoys reading because it is interesting and she finds it intellectually stimulating.

Taking a closer look at her:

• Gets upset and storms off to calm down (sudden overwhelming emotions, but grown-up enough to know that outbursts of anger are not appreciated).
• Calling her to breakfast 10x times even though it was her plan - probably too engrossed in reading
• Often changes quickly between tasks / books (will read 1x of the 10x open books if it is closest)

You mention a fear that she is escaping from overwhelming thoughts / emotions; is that something you yourself also experience?

The problem with a combination of intelligence + adhd is that teachers... often don't notice nor even care about the child that is often quiet / distracted but doing well in school - until it becomes a problem with academic performance or disrupting others.

You have also largely described my own childhood, everything was great, very creative, loved to read / do / distract, great perfomance in school (up until 6th form), always rushing to leave the dinner table and get back to whatever I was doing. Ended up dropping out of uni (it was too boring) and then working. Diagnosed as an adult (at 28).

Turns out life doesn't have to be so hard, being so bored listening to people in meetings / for extended periods of time that you have to struggle not to fall asleep isn't normal. Long-term goals are significantly easier to work towards incrementally than they feel, and inner-restlessness when not doing something doesn't have to always be the case.

If any of the above sounds relateable, I would highly recommend at least looking into it. It already sounds like your daughter will do well but if any of the above is applicable then she will be able to go significantly further when properly treated (as will you), as opposed to using her intelligence to mask her difficulties.

p.s. did I mention I was looking up something for work and felt the need to reactivate an old account just to respond?

Answer 5

Questions to ask yourself

1. Is reading inherently a bad thing to do? Heck no. It's great. Of all the obsessive behavior kids have at this age, this is one of the best!!
2. Is she missing out on something else that she should be doing? Apparently school is fine and there seem to be plenty of extracurricular activities. Things to look out for are social interactions and "free and unstructured play time". The latter is fairly culture dependent. In Germany it's not unusual to have an 8 year old romping through town on their own (within reason), the US is way more restrictive this way.
3. Are their any other signs that something is off or is she otherwise a happy camper?. Something to look out for.
4. What triggers your own worry? Is there something subconscious that make you worry. Experience you had yourself or specific events that you have observed but can't talk about here.

Should I seek professional help?

It doesn't harm. Even if things are perfectly normal (which they likely are), it can help to take care of your concerns. You can start with her pediatrician during your next check-up visit or given them a call.

Answer 6

This is mostly to Mum, who had an answer of her own here for just a minute, and then it was gone again. I'm speaking as the godfather to an 8 year old, whose parents have two more kids and are, as a result of that I believe, pretty relaxed (in a good way) in general. I've made the experience that whenever I'm babysitting my godson and he behaves in some way that I find strange and then afterwards I talk about it with mom and/or dad, they usually smile at me a little bit and then give a story about another kid at school for comparison, making me understand that these kinds of obessive or "extreme" behaviors are apparently quite normal at that age, at least for very intelligent children. This is not to sound arrogant, but to me kids like your daughter, Joe's son, or my godson, for that matter (being able to read on their own without end, getting remarkably good grades in subjects they enjoy, becoming the authors of very creative and elaborate stories, etc.) come under "very intelligent".

From my own childhood (also a constant reader ... by the age of 12, when other kids came home late from having been out and about with friends, in my case all you needed to do as a parent was call the local library and the librarian would go and find me in the Paleontology section or wherever) I know how many problems this can cause specifically in the areas of finding friendships and getting invited back. The good news is that sooner or later, she'll meet someone she feels is like her (see again Joe's son!) and they'll make BFFs faster than you can open a browser and start looking for professional help :-).

Having said that, "professional help" for kids is not the same as for adults. If it's not presented as having something to do with her being wrong or different or in need of help, but as another extracurricular activity ("socializing class"?) and that gets her interest, she might end up enjoying such sessions, as they can involve doing such things as talking while playing legos or tabletennis. Or in her case, a smart counselor might get the idea to intersperse discussions of books with conversation about other kids and school life.

Answer 7

Some thoughts.

1. In my opinion, if you are concerned or curious enough to write these observations up for us, then you have license to be concerned/curious. Period.

2. You might enjoy reading something about sensory processing, e.g. Living Sensationally by Winnie Dunn is a non-academic book on the topic. Here's a small preview: some people notice things in their environment more or less than others, some need to fiddle more or less than others. Here's a diagram:

What I like about Dunn's approach is that she doesn't blame anyone for how they are, but she does encourage people to be aware of how they are, and then figure out how to live with it. For example, her ideas helped me figure out how I, a sensory avoider, could live comfortably with my extreme sensory seeking child. (Short answer -- I had to desensitize myself somewhat, and work out some practical things with my kid, e.g. headphones for him.)

If you want to formalize things, you could ask the school to do a Pearson Sensory Profile (make sure they use the one normed for your child's age range -- schools can be sloppy about this).

(Note, there is another approach to formally describing an individual's sensory profile, but it can be challenging to find an occupational therapist who knows how to do it. Therefore the Pearson instrument (developed by Dunn) can be a more accessible approach. Also note, if you ask the school to do it, please make sure they don't use it as an excuse to imply there's something wrong with your child.)

3. You may wish to make a simple evaluation for your own person records, approximately once a year, where you list behaviors of your daughter's that get in her way (directly, by making objective problems for herself, or indirectly, by making the people around her inconvenienced or annoyed). It can be interesting to compare over time. You can list the behaviors, and you can rank them according to how impairing they are. Also if the impairment gets pretty high at some point, you could try some short-term therapy.

4. One of my kids would stay up half the night reading after our weekly visit to the library. So we would leave him access to one or two books out of his library knapsack and put the whole knapsack in the car overnight. Generally by the next evening his new book fever had calmed down enough that we could progress to the knapsack spending one night in the parent bedroom. This is just an example of a coping mechanism. Every child is different.

Another coping mechanism might be, "If you can get ready for school on time while listening to an audio book with a small mp3 player, fine." Otherwise you might need to remove access to books during periods when things need to get done. (I absolutely use audiobooks and podcasts to help me get through housework and physical therapy -- why not?)

5. When a child seems a bit off-kilter or skewed in their interests, sometimes it helps to have a secret parent plan for helping the child find balance and enjoyment with slightly more variety of activities, sometimes with a parent, sometimes with a peer, sometimes alone. You are allowed to be tricky, e.g. find a book discussion group at the library for the appropriate age range.

(If you want to try a different approach to music, you could look for a good Suzuki teacher, who would train a parent to be a home practice coach, or create a tape recording that walks the child through the home practice routine.

By the way, if one digs a bit, it is often possible to find a math enrichment group, sometimes run by a mathematician parent who feels bad for their kid who is bored in math at school. Or you could start one and recruit some volunteers to help out. You could try calling the math department at a local college -- sometimes that's a way to find an existing group.

6. For falling asleep, it can be helpful, for adults or children, to listen to something mildly interesting and not distressing, with a timer, e.g. a book you've already read.

Answer 8

Based on my own childhood, I would say your daughter is probably using books as a way to escape from something unpleasant. I grew up in a toxic household - narcissistic mother and a narcissistic, violent father. Books were a way for me to escape that atmosphere. I do not have ADHD or other developmental disability. So developmental disabilities are not the only reason for children turning to reading all the time and immediately seeking professional help may not be the best solution.

If the situation in your home is toxic or there is kind of tension among the adults living in your house that may be what your daughter is trying to escape using books. Kids are sensitive to such tension even if the adults try to hide it from them. In that case, clearing the toxicity or tension is the best solution.

If there is no toxic atmosphere or tension at home, check if there are some problems at school. Is your daughter being bullied at school? Good grades alone are not an indication that everything is fine at school or at home.

Before seeking professional help I would suggest the following:

Try to involve your daughter in regular and frequent family activities such as perhaps going for a walk together regularly, bicycling, playing outdoor games, board games etc. (depending on the pandemic situation where you live) and see if this diversion from reading is something she enjoys.

Does your daughter play with other children at school or in the neighborhood (again depending on the pandemic situation)? If not, try to find out from here why.

After the pandemic situation improves and become safe, see if she enjoys playing sports (but do not force her). In that case that will be an alternative way for her to handle stresses and also to meet other kids.

In any case, do not force your daughter to change her behavior to what you or other adults may consider to be the normal way for a child to be, but do provide opportunities for her, do listen to her, do spend more time with both of your children and do change those things and situations that are toxic or harmful to them. In other words, be a kind, benign and protective presence in their lives but not a controlling (except to ensure their welfare) or dominating one.

Answer 9

There have been done some research on information addiction (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325588#Information-overload-is-just-like-junk-food)

I dont know if that is the case with your dougher, but be carefull.

We do like to belive reading is the best we can do, but im not sure thats allways true. To illustrate an example. My wife has all the top grades from school and she reads all the time, so much that she cant contribute with anything at home, cannot take care of the kids and cant go to work. The first thing she does when she get up is to read, and then do it the whole day, untill bed time, and even then reading until she fall a sleep. With all this reading, we might think its very usefull, but she is not able to transfer the "reading knowledge" into real world usage.

So be carefull with your dougher and make sure she is not just trapped inside a fictive reality and feeding her addiction.

Answer 10

My son was exactly like this when he was eight. I had the same concerns as you did.

We did a WISK test that has shown a strong precocity (he was averaging results of 16 yo children). I was terrified having taught at the university one talented 14 years old who was socially miserable.

His reading was just curiosity.

He is now 17, very much happy with his life (and great plans for the future) and I still see him sometimes tidying up his room, reaching for a book to move, and an hour later sitting on his bed and reading it.

I think that you should seek out professional help (as we did), to make sure she is OK. Otherwise prepare for a life of never-ending discussions that get more and more complicated (and fascinating) as she grows up.