Encouraging a child to follow their natural gifts

Question

I have a child who has a few enormous natural talents. Yet the child does not want to pursue any of these gifts and, from an adult perception standpoint, seems to take these gifts for granted. Instead, the child would rather pursue endeavors they are less talented in. How do you balance letting this child pursue their interests with letting the child know how much they are throwing away by so quickly disregarding the natural talents?

Answer 1

How do you balance letting this child pursue their interests with letting the child know how much they are throwing away by so quickly disregarding the natural talents?

By recognizing two things: 1. That you cannot possibly be certain about the future, not your own or anyone else's. 2. That they have a right to the life they want, whereas you do not have a right to force them (or guilt them) into a life they do not want.

Projecting your values onto your child, when pushed too far, will likely result in a child feeling like a disappointment/failure when they don't live up to your expectations, and may lead to a lot of resentment if they do.

I am now a parent to adult children, all launched and in their mid-late 30s. Three of my children were "gifted". Only one is in a career that they wanted to be in as a child, adolescent and adult, and it's not that they were particularly gifted in that area; it's that they stubbornly refused to accept "no" as an answer, from anyone or anything. The others have taken paths which twisted and turned and two are still evolving. Only one has followed their natural talent, and they would be living in poverty if not for their spouse.

I don't feel guilt at my choices. We offered them all the opportunities we could think of. They had to (i.e. I forced them to) do certain things: learn a second language (of their choice, to fluency), take music lessons (not to proficiency), engage in sports, etc. The rest was just enrichment, exposing them to as much as possible. Their childhoods were rich with experiences of all kinds.

Really, all I wanted was for them to be good people who were, hopefully, happy and able to support themselves and/or a family.

My best friend had four children who were obligated to master two musical instruments, as well as get all As in every subject. They were expected to go to college on full scholarships. She once chided one of her children who was struggling in a college course, saying, "I don't care how hard you're trying. You need to get an A." You can imagine they had childhoods and adolescences very different from those of my children. One of their kids has a career related to their natural talent, and again, if it weren't for their second job, they would not be able to make ends meet. I cannot speak to their happiness; they seem happy enough, but the oldest is now beginning to feel that their upbringing was "really screwed up".

I believe that parenting is the most difficult job in the world if you're doing it correctly, and it's maybe the job in which the outcome is the least predictable. This answer is of doubtful reassurance to you, but it's the best I've got.

_{Edited to add: After reading @Timur Shtatland's excellent answer, I wanted to share how hopeless it is to try to guide a child no matter what the approach. I was having a conversation with my eldest child, and they were sharing how they don't really know if the path they've chosen, while lucrative, is one they want to stay in. I was letting them know that I would support any choice they made. I said, "[Eldest], all I ever really wanted for you was to be happy." "I know!!!, they replied. "What an unrealistic expectation! It's impossible to live up to!" I had to chuckle and think about the approach I took.}

Answer 2

The best strategy I've found for this is to give kids lots of opportunities, but not force anything. Forcing things leads them to develop a dislike for what they're forced to do - that's only natural - and so even if they're amazingly good at whatever, they won't try hard and practice.

If you really want them to do what they're good at, give them the opportunity to do it when they want to. A child who wants to be good at something will practice it and learn life skills that are relevant for other things (i.e., how to improve).

My approach, which works well for my younger child and not so well for the older, is to offer opportunities, and he finds things he likes and does them. The other kid doesn't really ever want to do anything, and so I do have to enforce some structure - but I try to keep it as open as possible, along the lines of "you must do one activity, but you may choose which one".

I also recognize that my older child is very externally motivated - which is not ideal, but it's just how it is with him - so I try to give him external motivations (when you get to X level you get Y prize). My younger one doesn't need (or even want) those, so I let him go at his own pace.

Answer 3

Being gifted or talented is somewhat overrated, in my opinion, although it is something many idealise. The reality is that most if not all the hugely talented people through history have put in an enormous amount of work for a long time; Mozart famously was trained from a very early age, and his early works were not actually anything much. Who knows if he would ever have become even a moderately good musician, had his father not driven him forward with ruthless ambition.

I don't think you should worry about gifts going to waste - success and happiness are mostly the result of sustained effort over a long time, so it is much better to let a child find their own interests by exposing them to many opportunities, and then do whatever you can to encourage and nurture that interest. But keep in mind that many interests burn out after some time and allow the child the freedom to lose interest.

Frankly, I think the only real 'talent' or 'gift' is imagination; as Einstein said 'Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.' - imagination is what makes you curious and wanting to learn about things.

Finally, a word about stupidity, which isn't the same as ignorance or lack of intelligence; an ingorant or less intelligent person can still learn more and improve themselves, but a stupid person somebody who has decided not to learn. Another Einstein quote: 'The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits'. It is unfortunately quite possible to teach a child stupidity, for example by forcing them to learn something, or punishing their curiousity. And the more intelligent the child is, the better they will learn the skill of stupidity, so beware.

Answer 4

I recommend to follow the middle ground between (a) encouraging the development of natural talents of the child as perceived by others and (b) the interests of the child based on the child's own desires.

• Pay close attention to the abilities of the child.
• Help the child develop basic proficiency in most fields required for successful functioning as adults (avoid overspecialization and deficiencies).
• Encourage the child develop their talents as perceived by others (parents, teachers, peers).
• Encourage the child to develop the areas related to their talents, thus broadening the scope of their education.
• Encourage the child to explore their own interests.
• Broaden the interests of the child by encouraging the development in related areas, thus increasing the scope of their interests.
• Avoid early specialization.
• Pursue education programs for the gifted in public or private schools.
• Hire tutors (an good, enthusiastic tutor can help the child develop even in the areas where they have previously not shown any interest).

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Practical examples of encouragement:

These are a few real life examples that worked for our extended family, that is, they gave lasting, positive results in child development, with effects lasting for years - or even for a lifetime, in some cases.

• Talk to children about a broad array of subjects. Cast a wide net. Follow your and, especially, their interests. Pay attention to what they pay attention.
• Do a wide range of activities with children. You never know what catches their interest. Each parent can make unique contributions, such as outdoor activities, other sports, board games, science projects, reading aloud and listening to music together (works for older children too), exploring arts, etc.
• Get the best books from the library on a variety of subjects. Use interlibrary loan. See what subjects the child likes. Buy good books if you think they helpful now or in the future. Used book stores are a great source of learning without breaking the bank.
• Find good teachers that "light their fires", either with gifted programs or schools for the gifted, or using tutors. Some of the tutors can be older school students or university students, and so do not necessarily have to be super expensive. Find extracurricular classes.
• Whatever you do, get the feedback from the kids frequently about their preferences. Fail early (this principle from software development applies to child development too). Even if the child wanted to start a class, and you think the class in their field of talent, but the class seems to not "click" with the child, even after giving it a good try, quit the class. Try a different class, a different teacher, or in some cases change the field.

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REFERENCES:

More specifically, parents are explicitly urged to engage their children in in-school and out-of-school activities using a strength-based, talent-focused approach, providing opportunities to develop students’ advanced skills and talents in their own right. A talent-focused approach entails identifying and recognizing learners’ strengths and abilities, as well as developing and maturing their passion for learning, and providing enrichment opportunities that develop and broaden possible areas of talent or interest. Therefore, talent development must be recognized as a necessary and non-negotiable part of any parenting strategy for both gifted/talented and twice-exceptional children.

Papadopoulos, Dimitrios. “Parenting the Exceptional Social-Emotional Needs of Gifted and Talented Children: What Do We Know?.” Children (Basel, Switzerland) vol. 8,11 953. 22 Oct. 2021, doi:10.3390/children8110953: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8624036/

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Implications for counselors of the gifted are discussed, and it is suggested that counselors should encourage gifted students to keep their career options open well into the college years and should provide alternative career-planning role models that emphasize personal values as the foundation for making tentative career plans.

Perrone, P. (1986). Guidance needs of gifted children, adolescents, and adults. Journal of Counseling & Development, 64(9), 564–566. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.1556-6676.1986.tb01204.x: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1986-31367-001

Answer 5

How do you balance letting this child pursue their interests with letting the child know how much they are throwing away by so quickly disregarding the natural talents?

This depends entirely on what those talents are. As an example, if your child is a math prodigy they have numerous career paths available to them with enormous monetary compensation:

1. Wall Street quant
2. Top notch engineer
3. A professor at a highly prestigious university, such as MIT
4. Founding a business developing a complex product requiring advanced STEM skills

On the other hand if their special talent is in music or sports, its extremely unlikely they will ever be rewarded by large amounts of money in the future, unless they're extremely lucky and end up beating 99.9% of other "talented" kids. There's maybe 10k people in the entire world making more than $100k/year from doing music or playing sports. The rest are languishing in obscurity and in the case of sports they often end up with debilitating injuries from training or competitions.

So your path forward should depend on the expected income of someone in the top 10% of their special talent. If that's a high number or can be reasonably expected to become a high number in the future - then by all means, push them towards this! If not, I'd let them focus on other things and not worry about "wasting" the talent.

Answer 6

As I am just beginning to start this parenting journey, I have deep beliefs on how I will address this very situation. I am prone to want my child to take paths that would lead to great wealth, success and influence and am aware of the vanity and pride that I will have to come against.

That being said, I believe I will be diligent and unmoving on teaching the areas in my child's life that will provide him success in any walk of like. Working hard, not giving up, being kind to those they come across, picking themselves up after failure.

If I can teach my child to never give up, whether they become an artist or a engineer they will greatly benefit.

I want to give them the tools to build whatever life they wish.