My son just turned 2, and he started throwing more tantrums on us.
He doesn't eat well or drink enough milk ... and he is becoming more adamant and says "No" more often. If we force him to drink milk, he cries, cries, and cries louder. His mom is getting frustrated with his crankiness. She is trying timeouts and sometimes spanking. We don't want to do these things. This is our first child.
How do we deal with this phase of tantrums he is going through?
What we try to do with our two year old toddler is offer him some (limited) range of choices -- so that he can feel he is in control.
So for example with the milk, you might let him decide:
I believe at this toddler phase they are starting to become people, with their own wants and desires and need to exert control over the world... so when you let them "decide", even if it is a very constrained set of choices, this gives them an outlet for needing to be in control.
Also, as far as tantrums goes, the best thing to do is ignore them and not respond to them so far as you can ... always ignore the behavior you don't want, and reward the behavior you do.
We have a similarly strong-willed, opinionated toddler. A few additional tactics to suggest here:
Redirection -- this works a lot of the time. Our child can't communicate well but usually I can tell what he wants (e.g. more cereal before dinner). I will "misunderstand" him and throw a redirect, e.g. "oh you want to help take the onions out to help me prepare dinner!!" (onions being near the cereal). Many times, this novel, more exciting idea gets him hooked and he nods and we're off not doing the thing I didn't want him to do. Also have tried the "look over there, an airplane!!" trick in different ways, e.g. "hey there's someone taking a walk outside, let's go see if they have a dog!!"
Don't say no unless you have to -- hearing "no" gets old and is frustrating. Imagine proposing an idea or request at work and immediately hearing "no": not fun. I try to save "no" for safety and other house rules. If he starts coloring on the hardwood floors, I will say, "why don't we go get some more of the big construction paper to color on?!!" (redirection again). I've noticed that he reacts MUCH better to "ok... but how about doing X instead" versus "no, don't do Y you have to do X").
Know when your child is more likely to throw a tantum -- when he's tired or otherwise uncomfortable. In these cases, don't bother getting mad, it's not worth it. Toddlers can't help themselves and you should take the high road, give in here and get him to bed or fed fast.
Try not to get mad. I read this trick where you should say aloud to your child when he is misbehaving, "what are you 14 months old???" It reminds you that yes, your child is only 14 months old and learning what it's like to live with you as parents. Getting mad doesn't help you or your child.
Enjoy these early years, painful as tantrums can be, because you will likely miss them and they will be over sooner than you realize (plus dealing with a teenager can't be more fun)!
First, we have to understand, why tantrums are so common at that age. From what I understand as a parent, at this age kids want to express a lot more than they are able to. This leads to a lot of frustration and tantrums. The best way to deal with tantrums is not to let them happen: often tantrums happen when kids hungry or tired or miss the nap, so if you know, that this is a direct path to tantrum, don't let you child get too hungry or too tired. Also pick your battles. For example, advantages of milk are not proven, and too much milk can actually cause anemia (See http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/007134.htm).
Once the tantrum happened, there is nothing you can do to stop it. Any additional attention will only prolong it. So what you can do, is just stop paying attention and let the child cry, or, some people find, that holding their child in a hug helps. Usually, during tantrums kids loose control of themselves and this is very frightening to them. When my child was that age I read somewhere the advice to hug the child and to hold him and to tell him that everything is ok and we love him when the tantrum is over.
I followed the principles that I listed above. Either that or I was lucky, but terrible twos were not terrible for me.
I actually found that my first liked being spanked. Spanking modified behaviour not one tiny bit. Bad attention was better than no attention. On the other hand, being ignored drove her right through the roof, so she'd melt down, and we'd scoop her up and dump her in her room, and let her scream her brains out. When she calmed down, we'd go get her.
We did it every time, no exceptions, and she ceased the tantrums.
I've passed this advice off to parents who have kids with tantrum issues, and it didn't work in two cases, but in both cases I think the kids were capable of escalating it to a point where the parents felt like they had to back down. If they can face you down, they will. Make no mistake, it's a battle of wills, and if you flinch first, they'll know they can wear you down. Public tantrums are the worst: if they learn that you're not going to punish them in public, they'll use that.
So, the short version. Find something that they hate, and do it whenever they go berserk. If they love their toys, take their toys. If they crave activity, put them in time out. If they crave attention, stick 'em in their room. Don't be afraid of the occasional spanking, but don't do it if it doesn't work.
For ours, with the milk thing, bribery worked fine. If she wants juice, she drinks her milk first. If she wants desert, she drinks her milk first. Don't worry about it too much though: the milk guidelines are ridiculous. If your kid gets 1/8th of that a day, they'll be fine.
The only piece I would add to the excellent answers so far is that these techniques will also work for the later phases when tantrums may sneak back.
There are various stages when children want to do things they either physically can't or know they aren't supposed to and want want to push boundaries.
Redirection, ignoring them and sending them to their room are almost as appropriate for a ten year old as a two year old, so find techniques which aren't too stressful for you as parents and remember them.
Say, "this is not going to help you get what you want. When you are ready to calm down come see me". Then walk away. A child should not get ANYTHING for their tantrums, attention included. If you are in a public space and can't walk away, simply pick up the child and go to a safe place where you can sit and read or something while the child finishes his/her fit. If you are consistent and the tantrums stop working for your child, the tantrums will stop.
THEN, once the tantrum is over, you do need to give your child alternative ways to express the emotions he or she was demonstrating with the fit. Name the emotion for the child, "I know you are dissapointed" or "angry" or "frustrated" - whatever it is that is the best fit. Then ask your child if he/she can provide any ideas for a way to express that emotion that is "more appropriate." If they can't think of anything - instruct your child in an alternative. Have your child practice a little, "so now what do you do next time you feel dissapointed?"
I general, make sure you are really listening and working on building your relationship. Giving kids a sense of belonging and understanding they can trust helps as learn to express emotions in more constructive ways because it is how you show them that how they are feeling matters to you and throwing a fit isn't the best way to get their feelings across.
One note about expectations. There are places and times where we can expect toddlers to behave. Dad has to go to the grocery store. But there are places/events where it is unreasonable to expect a toddler to behave. The kid isn't going to behave through the 3 hours wedding reception. Don't put the kid in situations where failure is likely.
Why on earth parents bring toddlers to adult restaurants and adult events and then blame the toddler when it doesn't work is beyond me.
As far as PREVENTING the tantrum, I completely agree that being aware of sleep/nap/play/eat schedules and behavioral triggers is important. If the kid is usually sleeping at 2pm, Wal*Mart is going to be tough. When you are pushing the envelope, a preventative, encouraging reward can be very effective. --> "I know you are getting tired. If you behave in the store, {blah} after your nap."
DURING the tantrum, there are really two goals that the parent has to keep in mind.
Many of the responses discussed (distract, give them something, etc.) may end the behavior NOW, but will have the likely (unintended?) consequence of encouraging it again. Toddlers learn amazingly fast, and one thing they learn is how to get Mommy and Daddy to give them what they want. The tantrum needs to be ended in a way that doesn't reinforce the behavior.
The following worked well with my strong-willed (now 18) daughter through the toddler years, when she was acting out.
1- A small bit of discomfort .. a Vulcan pinch to the shoulder flesh or a single slap to the forearm or thigh. This doesn't so much cause pain as it breaks the tantrum cycle. It only takes a second for the kid to stop.
2- Then a choice .. "stop screaming or {blah}".
3- If the kid calls your bluff, {blah}.
NOTE about the discomfort: I am not encouraging "violence". Don't give pain out of anger. But the tantrum/shouting/screaming cycle has to be broken. If the kid is screaming or crying or shouting, noise won't work, and you certainly don't want to get into a shouting match with your kid. A slight bit of pain is exceptionally effective at interrupting the tantrum.
2 year olds are most definitely not concious and are not always able to control their behavior!!!! Why do you want to teach your child that it us ok to hit or use violence? There are many good suggestions here that are kinder, compassionate, and humane. Tantrums although sometimes avoidable, are part and parcel of toddlerhood.
When my son has a tantrum, they usually don't last long, especially if he knows I will not budge. The problem we (the parents) have created (NOT the child's problem or fault!) is that we've waffled too much on decisions so he's learned that if he cries and throws a fit, he can sometimes get his way. If I'm firm in my decision and neutral, the tantrum usually passes fairly quickly.
Making him the center of attention when he doesn't get his way (by letting his tantrum get the best of you and completely derail your behavior and your happiness) is just a recipe for more tantrums.
Why are you provoking a confrontation to begin with? He doesn't want to drink milk? So what. Give him a few healthy alternatives (milk, water, limited juice). He won't starve himself. If he doesn't want to drink, don't force him, just take the drinks away, and don't offer them again until the next scheduled snack or meal. He'll learn to take advantage of what's offered when it's offered, and to exercise choice over the responsible range of choices that you allow.
I try and do the thing they most dislike. We don't use violence in the house, so we use other methods.
I have found that the best way, in order to punish a child, for us, is to remove some favoured toys/activities form them for a couple of days, reminding them at appropriate times why they are missing them.
As for tantrums, only one of our children ever had tantrums (I quickly found shouting at any kids extremely counter productive). The only thing that would calm her down, would be to get to her level (not lifting her), hold her hands (gently by her side) and explain in a very level, and calm voice, it wasn't acceptable; I'd hug them and tell them you loved them as well. 99/100 it worked, with her, distraction is also a good method, but if the mood has swung, this can rarely get a child out of it.
However, in Waitrose, I have had to put her in a quickly produced naughty corner (aptly by the Brussels sprouts) during one tantrum. To be frank, they quickly stopped.
When he is on a tantrum, turn away. do not watch, do not relate, do not respond, do not react and definitely do not spank. Train your brain to think he phases out of existence when he starts the tantrums and phases in again when he stops. After a while he will lose the incentive to start tantrums, which are really really a spectacular all-cylinder-firing, 3-ring-circus "Hey! all attention to me!" technique.
It's not easy, but it's a sure and safe way to deal with tantrums.
I like the top poster's response on providing limited choices. "Do you want to walk or be carried to your room" "No answer? ok then I guess we'll carry you".
One thing I noticed is that if you give two choices, my kid would choose the second one 70% of the time at that age.
two remarks at first (especially for people who consider spanking a helpful way for dealing with tantrums or do not see an alternative):
Try to find out about the Giraffe language concept (compassionate communication, sometimes also known as "non-violent communication") developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
I don't know good sources in english. I bought a 3-DVD-set with a seminar held by M. Rosenberg and already watching it (and him) was very helpful for better understanding others (also children) and better knowing how to deal with them and their wishes and needs.
By a quick google search I found this link - maybe it helps you to find videos (highly recommended!) or books by Rosenberg:
http://www.listeningway.com/giraffe.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marshall_Rosenberg
I discovered this concept some months ago and I am far from always and everywhere using it, but every little step helps getting along better with others.
"non-violent" does not mean that you have to sustain or tolerate everything, that others want - no way! But it helps to better express your needs and to better find out what need does the other person make him do what he currently does.
(Maybe he does not know or is not conscious himself at the moment, why he does what he does and that should be especially true for small children.)
Second suggestion: There are some very interesting books about raising kids by the Danish Author Jesper Juul, who also focusses on better communication and understanding what the child really wants and needs (which again does not mean that the parents have to do everything the child wants, but on the contrary that the parents also must take care of themselves and their relationship to create a positive atmosphere at home). -> http://www.jesperjuul.com/forside_uk.asp
I'd also recommend searching for listening to or watching interviews with him (available on the net), as his ideas and points of view are very "illuminating" IMHO.
Our son has a very strong will and he can be extremely bullheaded (I hope it's the right term, I took it from the dictionary).
It is very difficult to deal with such a tantrum and we had and have lots of them. IMHO:
I think, the child has to learn how to deal with his frustration.
You can and should help him/her by showing, how you do that yourself (and spanking is a good example for showing how not to do it!) and you can try to explain him better ways for "discussing" that he wants other things.
And (as others also suggested): Proposing (a limited number of) alternatives may help showing the child that he/she can decide what he/she wants to eat/drink and that not everything in life is decided by the parents - which (the latter) I could imagine leads to a feeling of helplessness and frustration.
Tantrums occur when a person (of any age) realizes that their view of the world and reality are not the same. When a child has a tantrum, the child is struggling to cope with this difference, and adjusting their world view.
It is important for children to feel safe and loved, especially when they are having trouble coping with a reality that they can't cope with. When a child has an outburst, he or she is communicating to you that there is a problem. While you may not agree that the problem matters, it is important for you to acknowledge that to them, it is a serious problem. (Otherwise they will keep trying to tell you or anyone! Once the child knows you hear their pain, she or he doesn't have to broadcast it anymore. The trick to achieving quiet is to seriously let the child know that you understand the gravity of the situation in a way he or she understands.
Once the child sees that you get it, he or she will relax for a moment to give you a chance to solve the problem. (eg tell them that they don't have to drink the milk, leave the park, stop taking their sister's toy, playing with the oven etc.) This is when you have to either solve it or give them a coping mechanism.
About coping mechanisms. First identify your own. What do you do when you're stressed? drink tea, yell, have some quiet alone time to cool down, take deep breaths, call a friend, cry, go for a run, meditate, swear, drink or smoke....
Next identify which ones are appropriate for your upset child: take deep breaths, cry, have some quiet alone time to cool down.
The key is to teach your child to use these coping techniques on a regular basis, when she is not stressed. Then, when it's tantrum time, you can redirect.
Here's more from the American Academy of Pediatrics:
Also, choose your battles. Nutritionally and medically, two year olds don't need to drink cow's milk. Some 2 year olds have lactose intolerance. There is no need for milk after infancy. The American Academy of Pediatrics has a policy statement about preventing obesity in children.
It recommends that parents choose what foods are served, when mealtime is, and where it is served. Children get to decide whether they eat or drink, and how much.
Here are some of the tactics on how to deal with tantrums from http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Parenting-Skills/-/Discipline-and-Reward/No-More-Tantrums.aspx:
You can also visit the site, so you would know how to tantrum-proof your home
I found a foolproof way to stop my toddler's tantrums. She only tantrums if she doesn't get what she wants. The key here is to hack the what they want part.
Make them want something else
Make them unsure they actually want that thing in the first place
Convince them they already have it
Make them forget about it
I think it really depends on the kid, but one thing that has worked with our youngest is to have them give up a toy. If they are in an uncontrollable state, we let him know that if he doesn't calm down in x minutes, then he's going to have to choose one of his toys to donate (or you could just have the toy go on 'timeout').
Even the act of having to pick out an old McDonalds toy he hasn't played with in years at the bottom of his toy box is enough to give him pause. It's worked fairly well with us.
