Péter Török

1,812 reputation

bio	website	stackoverflow.com/users/…
	location	Budapest, Hungary
	age	42
visits	member for	1 year, 4 months
	seen	Aug 30 '12 at 12:04
stats	profile views	40

Started programming around 1983 on ABC-80 and C-64. Have been a professional developer since 1995 (with some breaks), using mainly Java and C++. Currently using mostly C#, SQL and Java on legacy enterprise projects. A fan of agile methods and refactoring, and an addict of unit tests since about 2000. Keenly interested in software development methods and process improvement. Lately started to explore Scala.

In personal life, I used to practice various art forms like music and photography, study psychology and Eastern philosophies, practice and teach Ashtanga Yoga. Nowadays I spend most of my private time playing with and cooking for my wife and two daughters.

	1,812 reputation	bio	website	stackoverflow.com/users/…	visits	member for	1 year, 4 months
39 badges		location	Budapest, Hungary		seen	Aug 30 '12 at 12:04

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Jan 5	awarded	Yearling
Aug 27	answered	Should I forbid my 10 month old boy to touch/play with anything that is harmful/dirty?
Aug 27	comment	Toddler: How to remove “over” attachment for Mom? I would add one idea: mom could try getting him used to being without mom for short, then gradually longer periods. I.e. mom says "I need to leave for a minute, I will be right back". And she comes back right after a minute. Then later, increase the time to 5, 15... minutes. The point is for mom to always tell before leaving that she would be away for some time, and then come back as promised. This may help securing her and building up her trust.
Apr 2	comment	Fostering a relationship with a relative your child doesn't like @tomjedrz, of course. Let's say a female relative always greets the child with excessive hugging and wet kisses on the face, but he just doesn't like to be kissed (by this particular person, or in general). The extreme of "always be polite" would be to keep his mouth shut and suffer silently. The other, unpolite extreme would be to hit aunt Maggie, or to run away and hide whenever she approaches. The polite but constructive way could be saying something like "dear aunt Maggie, I like you, but I don't like to be kissed that way".
Apr 2	comment	Fostering a relationship with a relative your child doesn't like @tomjedrz, not quite. I agree with you in the context of this question, so the rest may be out of scope here. But IMHO it's good to know that "always be polite" is not the full picture. There are situations (albeit very, very rare) when getting angry and using the energy of our anger in a constructive way helps resolving a problem. Outside these rare cases, getting angry does not serve us - so my ideal is not to get angry. We should stay calm, be aware of our and others' emotional / mental state, but don't allow those emotions to take control.
Apr 1	comment	Fostering a relationship with a relative your child doesn't like @tomjedrz, the phrase you quote are about one extreme of a scale, and I do keep my opinion that extremes are not good. Yes, we should indeed teach our child to behave politely - but at the same time, we should also teach them to express their feelings and opinions openly and honestly as and when appropriate, and to stand up for their rights (while acknowledging others' feelings and rights too). This does not mean being rude - rudeness is almost never appropriate, as it usually hurts others' feelings and only escalates problems, rather than solving them.
Apr 1	comment	Fostering a relationship with a relative your child doesn't like @tomjedrz, funny because I had a similar "yes and no" feeling reading your answer :-) The main point is, our views don't differ fundamentally. I am ready to admit though that your answer is clearer and more direct. Maybe I wanted to be too universal here :-)
Apr 1	comment	Fostering a relationship with a relative your child doesn't like @tomjedrz, I didn't make any equation; please read back what you wrote. About training children to behave properly, I wrote "To [a younger] child, I would just say that we greet people when we meet or depart, period.", and "the best approach may be to consistently stick to a rule, and explain only as much of the background as necessary for the kid". I feel you are continuously explaining why I am supposed to be wrong, then making practically the same point I attempted to make.
Apr 1	comment	Fostering a relationship with a relative your child doesn't like @tomjedrz, phrasing is indeed important. Controlling emotions - to me - is totally different from repressing emotions. The latter is typically biting one's tongue not to shout out rude words, with fists clenched and face red. That is indeed destructive in the long run. The former is being fully conscious about the situation, including one's (and all others') inner feelings, the possible ways to react to these and the consequences of each - and choosing not to get angry. Yes, it is a high aim, even for most of us adults. I believe though it is a worthy aim.
Mar 31	comment	Fostering a relationship with a relative your child doesn't like @tomjedrz, fully agreed. I tried (but apparently failed) to make it clear in my own answer that controlling our emotions is an absolutely necessary social skill.
Mar 31	comment	Fostering a relationship with a relative your child doesn't like @tomjedrz, to me not repressing inner feelings does not equal to being rude. Sorry if this wasn't clear in my answer. My point is this: we can teach our children to be polite and courteous because Dad told so - or to be polite and courteous because all living beings are creatures of the same Creator, thus worthy of our respect. The first method teaches them to behave nicely, while possibly accumulating unacknowledged, poisonous negative feelings and thoughts. The second method teaches them to process their negative feelings and turn them into love, then act out that love.
Mar 31	comment	Fostering a relationship with a relative your child doesn't like "I am afraid courtesy is a dying concept" - it has been "dying" since the Greek era (at least the earliest known such complaints are from that age... but I believe this has been mumbled already by old cavemen at the beginning of human history ;-)
Mar 31	comment	Fostering a relationship with a relative your child doesn't like @tomjedrz, IMHO politeness and courtesy are only the means, not the end in itself. They come naturally from respecting others. And I would say we should respect everyone, even those we don't like.
Mar 31	comment	Fostering a relationship with a relative your child doesn't like @tomjedrz, what's your point? Do you interpret some of my thoughts above as contradicting with this?
Mar 14	comment	How should parents handle disagreement over medicine? @DA01, changed term to "homeopathic substance". Anything else I can do for you? :-)
Mar 14	comment	How should parents handle disagreement over medicine? @DA01, so you seem to claim it is pure coincidence that my bro gave homeopathic substance to animals which subsequently recovered, do you? This is indeed possible. Our mind is excellent in "detecting" patterns - even where there is none. But it works in both ways: it is also excellent in "finding" definite answers - even where there is none ;-)
Mar 14	comment	How should parents handle disagreement over medicine? @DA01, and how is the placebo effect supposed to work on animals?
Mar 14	comment	How should parents handle disagreement over medicine? @DA01, may I kindly ask for a tad more reasoning to back up your categoric statement?
Mar 5	revised	How much of an effect does parenting style have on a child? added tags
Mar 5	comment	How much of an effect does parenting style have on a child? It is somewhere between 0 and 100% (IMHO surely not including either ends). Children have their own personality, specific talent(s) and weakness(es) from the moment of birth. What works with one child may fail with the other. Not all children of sweet moms and harsh dads in small towns grow up to be drug-addicted wrecks. Not all children of "good" parents in big cities grow up to be successful adults. Moreover: level of ambition or (financial) success is not necessarily the best criteria to measure quality of life.