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34

I take what I consider to be a pragmatic approach: if there is no toy which is obviously a gun, kids just make their own (60-80% of boys, 30% of girls, play with "aggressive toys" of some variety). Fingers, sticks, coat hangers (which double as pretty decent fighter planes and space ships, IMHO), pencils/pens, cardboard tubes (packing tubes make great ...


25

There are no easy answers. You need to seek professional help and encourage your mother to do the same. A domestic violence helpline is a good place to start. Be patient and supportive, and help her get into a position where she is strong and self confident enough to do what she needs to do for herself.


19

I want to address a particular issue I see in the comments: the (important) distinction between punishments and consequences. Punishments are distinct from consequences, and work differently. Many theories of parenting rely on consequences solely, and do not rely on punishments at all. Punishments do not inherently contain violence per se, but they do ...


17

To quote from The Future of Play Theory: A Multidisciplinary Inquiry into the Contributions of Brian Sutton-Smith: Findings from studies of war toys are diverse, if sparse. War toys have been found to enhance aggression (Sanson and Di Muccio, 1993; Turner and Goldsmith, 1976; Watson and Peng, 1992) reduce aggression (Bonte and Musgrove, ...


14

Ohhh man! This is the oldest question in psychology. How violence affects our children. No matter what, like TV, or video games, or whatever. If you want some research material on this subject, just look at the Google results for how violence affects children. Now. Let me tell you an answer for this. When I was studying psychology I had tons of surveys ...


13

First off let me applaud you loudly for taking this step. Many in similar situations are too ashamed to admit it to others. Your mother is one example. Unfortunately, this is a large complex problem, which we can help only minimally online. Google abused women help Which resources look useful to you? In the United States, many cities have shelters ...


12

Stop struggling with your child. Stop fighting with your child. Stop vying for power with your child. Control the things you can. You decide what food you buy, where you guys live, which school he attends, who your family spends time with... You cannot control him. You cannot control his every behaviour, his every action. Make yourself clear. Explain ...


12

Some google-fu got me to the paper Cartoon violence and aggression in youth (pdf) from 2006: Across the early and middle childhood, laboratory experiments using cartoons with comedic violence have consistently failed to demonstrate significant differences in person-oriented aggression. [...] Field experiments have consistently shown that ...


12

Most important then if you should let your child play with toy A or toy B, is what you already posted in your question: What are the effects this kind of play have in the children's psichology? Remember toddlers and young children have trouble separating fantasy from reality. His nightmares and fantasies will seem as real as school to them. You have to ...


11

An adult who has been assaulted should consider calling the police. If for some reason that is not possible they should consider getting in touch with a local domestic violence helpline. A young adult who has been assaulted in a house where there are other younger children who are also at risk of violence should strongly consider calling either the police; ...


10

No, punishment is violence. Violence, a fact of life, is a part of nature and their world. The question implicit is what are the tolerable/intolerable externalities of violence and how to manage the potential risks that you fear in accomplishing the desired behavior modification in the child. However, please do reconsider whether you must resort to ...


9

When my children were growing up we had several mantras, and one was "we don't hit". You really cannot teach a child not to hit by hitting them, nor not to scream by screaming at them etc. Dealing physically with a hitter is easier when you have been picking them up and holding them your whole life. A toddler can be very strong and squirmy, and you can't be ...


8

Penny Holland, who lectures in Early Childhood Studies at the University of North London, authored a 2000 study on the effects of a zero tolerance policy for war, weapon, and superhero play. Finding that studies that sought to find a causal connection between war and weapon play and aggression in children and later adulthood were unable to prove such a link ...


8

It sounds like the situation (and your daughter) are suffering for lack of consistent, appropriate discipline and an understanding of the cause of your daughter's behavior. First, get a discipline plan in place. You, your spouse, the nanny, and anyone else involved in your child's upbringing must stick to it or it won't work. It should go something like ...


8

For us, psychological abuse is a serious issue. I've seen children who've never been hit more traumatised than ones who've been seriously physically hurt through "discipline". I know that consequences have to happen in a controlled environment at an early age, since if the child does not learn that early, then they will have great difficulties related to ...


6

Have you considered trying to listen to his perspective and to understand what is going on in his mind and, more importantly, to understand how he feels? In addition to other things, the poor kid might be frustrated and not being understood, not being listened to, and being constantly told what to do. Perhaps his side of the story has not been heard. The ...


6

Looks like there is a lot of jealousy going on which has not been resolved for a long time. I suggest reading Siblings Without Rivalry. It addresses different scenarios and gives suggestion on what to do in different situation, including the ones you described above. Meanwhile I suggest: Don't react to your daughter complains the way your husband ...


6

Nobody hits in my household. No spanking, no violence, ever. If violence is unacceptable always, you have to jump on that behavior instantly, every time with a consequence. If violence is only sometimes unacceptable, when and where it's acceptable is a difficult thing to teach.


6

ad 1) A Danish newspaper has an article with a child psychologist, from which I'll try to distill the essence. (I think Google Translate can give you a translation but the result is blocked on my network.) Even the smallest children can feel that something is bothering you, even if they only experience it second-hand, filtered, and fragmented. Parents of ...


6

I gave some thoughts in my answer to your related question. I would also like to react to your comment to Rory: what do I advise my son to do in such a situation. He currently tends to running away crying (at worst with tears) where I'm not sure if it is the best way. For sure, beating back isn't neither... That is surely not the best way, as it gives ...


6

In my experience, which is both of the personal and professional kind, the problem lies not with your father, but with your mother. hey, ho, you're wrong, you scream while banging your fist in the air. Actually, hear me out. It isn't her fault that he is abusive, no, but the problem lies with your mother none the less. Someone mentioned the Stockholm ...


5

This is an old post but ima post for the benefit of anyone else that may need it... First to do is leave immediately. go where? neighbor, quik trip, whatever, but get away from the danger. "but what if they follow" can't worry about that. Stimulus, response. Fight or flight, get out. 2nd thing is call the police asafp. 3rd thing if you can stay put, do ...


5

If you want to know what effect watching cartoon violence will have on your children, you need look no further than yourself. As you said, you watched Tom & Jerry and Looney Tunes as a kid and you loved it. But you don't seem to have even remembered all the cartoon violence, (let alone been turned into a violent person by it,) or it wouldn't surprise ...


5

Consider you answered your own question, you turned out okay, rationally recognizing the inherent dangers. There are important, legitimate, appropriate, responsible uses of weapons for defense, hunting to provide food, and sports. Its not just about violence, or playing cops & robbers. Water, essential for life, is inherently dangerous. A child can ...


5

The time-out system is designed to be non-punishment. It is about teaching a child who is out of control to settle himself. When the child misbehaves, he is put in his room for a few minutes (longer as he gets older), until he has regained his composure. It is an application of consequences - if you misbehave, other people don't want to be around you. When ...


4

I'm not sure that at your daughter's age, she is totally capable of controlling herself or even understanding what an apology is. She does know or can feel the intense emotions that come during and after hitting. I would let her know that hitting isn't allowed and that you won't let her hurt another child. Move her away if need be and watch for signs that ...


4

Related to my answer on your other question: If they are in kindergarten, the responsibility should be on the staff there - if you step in and do something you could end up in trouble. Your only real option is to explain to the staff what happened, and insist that they do something about it. The staff may however say that as it is not dangerous, it is a ...


4

If restraining your child in any way counts as violence, then maybe. If your child is having a screaming fit you might have to pick it up against its will and tuck it under your arm and carry it off, in a way this is violence in a small way, but better than actual beating. I always tried to turn restraint (for example, carrying the screaming child out to ...


4

Santi, thanks for asking such an interesting and important question. Can behaviour which isn't physically violent be abusive? I think most people would agree that emotional abuse can exist without physical abuse; in other words, it's accepted wisdom that one does not have to hit a child in order for one's behaviour toward that child to be abusive. The ...



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