New answers tagged

1

Consider that maybe you're asking the wrong question. Maybe you ought to be asking why exactly is he not motivated to go out more? Is he also not outgoing when he's at the other parent's house? This motivation must grow in him naturally, not really be stuffed into him. I have been an avid gamer myself when I was his age (18 years ago), and I spent much ...


13

Let me expand on my pithy comment above. It sounds like your son has taken an active interest in programming. I too spent "hours and hours" doing exactly the same sorts of things that it sounds like your son is doing (though I didn't have the luxury of the internet back then!). Rather than this work being a waste of time, it's actually building the ...


0

Siblings often form their roles in reaction to each other. Since you are filling the "perfect child" slot, your brother has taken over the "problem child" slot --that's a fairly common pattern. I would advise you to remember you are not his parent, and with only a one-year age gap between you, you cannot fill a parental role, nor should you try. Given the ...


0

Is it possible that he actually values your discipline, but needs a scapegoat to explain to his friends why he isn't "fun" anymore? Sometimes exaggerating the strictness of a parent is a way for a teen to get out of situations that make him or her nervous. My cousin (who has a great relationship with his kids) actually made a practice of playacting as a "...


3

There is something called "non violent communication" (not sure about the translation). IF the other person is disposed to hear what you have to say, it's really useful as it prevent anger to set in. Basically, you talk about how you feel and not about what the person in front of you do "wrong". "I would prefer it if you stopped smoking inside." Is better ...


1

Find something they want to do, which will challenge them. Something that will require planning, etc. to be successful at. I suggest you find something s/he wants to do that has lots of challenging levels so that they can seek their own level and have a more challenging level to work on. Games work best for this (it's a primary principle of "engagement" ...


2

Tl/Dr: The solution is best found in areas far away from the homework, like sports and martial arts. In those parts of life, your girlfriend's son may be able to find the opportunity to build the skills you want him to apply towards homework. Please forgive the length of the prose. Writing clearly is a skill I'm trying to develop, and I don't want to rush ...


0

I tend to agree with P Roe that since she's still your minor child, your parenting responsibilities are more important than her boundaries. When you get to be 90 and you're living in her house, you can respect her boundaries; while she's under 18 and living in your house, it's your boundaries that count, not hers. That said, I think you can sidestep the ...


0

If you get 95s on your tests, then presumably you get bad grades because you don't bother with the homework? If so, you might want to reconsider your decision not to go to college. At college, usually most of your grade is based on your tests; the homework is just there in case you think you need practice. In the meantime, if there are classes that are ...


2

You need a better plan, kid. This will be a bit of a harsh answer, but you definitely seem smart and mature enough to deserve one. First of all, don't waste a single further breath explaining your "philosophical" objections to school, why you feel it's bullshit, to your dad. No dad has the slightest bit of regard for his son's "wisdom" on things like that. ...


1

Lots of answers coming from lots of different parenting philosophies here! But I don't really understand why it can't be easily answered according to yours. I don't see, that is, why you should be "stuck in a rut" at all. Your initial intention was to confront Junior about her irresponsibility with her belongings, by searching through her purse as a "...


2

The original poster mentioned in the comments that the teenager is "very much" a perfectionist. Here is a possible scenario: The boy is happy to do a task that he can do perfectly. But there are several reasons that he might not be able to do a task perfectly: He might not know how to do the task perfectly. He might not have a way of judging ...


1

I think I know your son's problem. You see, he knows perfectly well that he ought to do his homework earlier, but whenever he tries, he suddenly decides it's time to watch three hours of video game speed runs on Youtube, or reorganize his email inbox, or check the refrigerator to see if there's anything new in there since the last time he checked 10 minutes ...


1

Many of the answers seem to assume that the kid is getting to the point where he is having difficulty in school. However, you say that his grades are still very good. I'd suggest that another possibility is that he still finds things very easy, and procrastinates because he finds the work boring and knows he can do it at the last minute and still get by. ...


8

I think you need to certainly do some confronting. P. Roe is correct in that multiple felonies are involved here (fake ID, and violating alcohol laws at a minimum, more if she doesn't have her own valid license). However, vehemently I disagree with P. Roe about not respecting your daughter, at any age, but especially now. She's old enough to a) work, b) be ...


-1

She should not ignore rude behaviour like that, she has to be taught to be Confident in herself for who shi is and will ever be gracefully. My former wife taught me a phrase that took some time too sink in. "stand by yourself!" i slowly learned that i was my own ally, i now stand by my side and dont let people make me small anymore because of that. But ...


1

What is he doing when he is not studying? I have a gifted teen and I find he gets trapped by computer games. Since he is an older teen, I talk with him about his daily schedule and setting a time that he will start work by each day. Routines help procrastinators a lot as it takes less effort if you have habits in place. Ideally these can be triggered by ...


0

First, you need to get this in perspective: Bullying is child abuse. Teasing is psychological abuse. An adult who behaved in this way would be arrested. Just because its coming from other children doesn't make it any less painful for the victim. Long term abuse has a long term impact on mental health. In extreme cases it has driven children to suicide. ...


2

If I were the gifted kid, none of these would work. Solutions out there look like you either kind of force him to do some work(by managing his time), or just tell him how bad it is to be disorganised. First one will make him angry(and if you're not his father, this can affect your relationship with him); second one will just not work. Here's what I would do....


-4

There's no need to apologize or respect her boundaries she's 17, take her fake license and explain that she's committing several felonies. I'd personally punish her severely since she was complacent enough to get caught. The fact is that she was carelessly breaking the law and that could have very serious real world consequences. In addition to a good talk ...


6

you could maybe approach her apologetically. Explain exactly what happened, let her know that you are aware she had it, but not taking any immediate action. Also let her know that you would rather her make it home safe and sound over staying out until she is sober enough to make it home. Make sure she is fully aware of the legal ramifications, and that you (...


10

A lot of recent studies have linked procrastination with a poor ability to deal with "negative" emotions and impulsiveness. It's not poor planning or bad time-management; it's avoidance; it's an emotional defense mechanism. The fact that this teen is gifted probably has nothing to do with it, except that he'll probably be able to "get away with it" and ...


6

Maybe he's bored? No educational system is a one-size-fits-all. In fact, I don't think it truly fits anybody perfectly. It is a shame a gifted child has to waste their time perceiving school as the solitary path to a normal, happy, and productive life. In my experience, I always did best in school and elsewhere in life's commitments when I paired it with ...


16

Gifted kids have problems with approaching work in a disciplined manner because they don't experience a benefit in doing so. If you give a "normal" kid a "normal" math test, their level of preparation largely determines the outcome. This is a lesson they learn over and over in school. If you give a "gifted" kid a "normal" math test (and most gifted ones, ...


0

You should teach them to not react to the teasing directly, but rather to react to the presumed reason for the teasing. It is only by responding in the meta-layer that your child can overcome these issues and dominate his tormentors. For instance, let's say TB is being berated for having a big nose. A knee-jerk reaction is to respond with something like: "...


3

Procrastination is not a problem limited to teenagers. This may be exacerbated if he finds the intellectual or problem solving aspect of the work easy and feeling like going through the process of getting it done is a fairly pointless chore. Here there is a difference between him understanding the material set and going through the process of explaining to ...


6

As a former 'gifted teen', I figured I'd weigh in. In my (personal, biased) experience, the procrastination is the real problem here rather than an increase in the difficulty of tasks. So how do you break a procrastinator out of their habits? Encourage him to keep a planner/calendar for his deadlines and consult it daily. Try to get him to estimate the ...


7

An aspect no one seems to have covered: Let him fail at something, once. I was in that situation. Coasted easily for a long time, could not deal with real difficult stuff once I got to it. In my case, until I failed seriously, I wouldn't accept that I had to work hard. The more parents would try to help/guide, the least I'd learn the lesson. Marks below ...


8

I would comment but I don't have the rep for it, so this is getting posted as an answer. I just want to back up what Paul Johnson and Jeff Clark have said already. They're exactly right. I'm only 20 so I can probably give you a good perspective on what he's going through. I was "gifted" in school and always coasted along, but then senior year of high ...


4

Hear it from others Obviously, teenagers are typically deaf to wisdom from their parental figures. I suggest setting up situations for this young man to speak with gifted adults working in challenging fields that may interest him. Invite such individuals to dinner, and/or arrange for him (not you!) to set up an “informational interview” with such persons ...


2

Cognitive dissonance In a nutshell it was explained in some article, as, "sour grapes" from Aesop's fables. The fox couldnt reach the grapes by jumping for them, so gave up, "...they are probably sour anyway." For background, see this Google scholar search on "cognitive dissonance in gifted children". The particularly enlightning article was from a few ...


36

I would like to supplement Paul's answer a little by abstracting a little bit. The reason gifted children may have this behavior is because the adults near them praise them for how smart they are, not for tackling a difficult task they have trouble doing--even if they failed. Mainly because most of the time in early life they do not fail :) At the moment, I ...


55

Sounds like a common problem for gifted children: they finally reach a level where sitting back and coasting isn't enough, and having to actually put in some effort comes as a serious shock. Often the more gifted the child the worse this is, because greater talents merely put off the evil day and the resulting flameout is all the worse. At least this is ...


4

I am not a doctor, and this forum is not a substitute for getting medical advice. If you think your daughter has a medical problem, you should seek care from a competent medical provider. That said, has anybody mentioned Prader-Willi syndrome to you? It is a genetic disorder that results in a person always being hungry. Characteristic of PWS is "low muscle ...



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