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145

What we try to do with our two year old toddler is offer him some (limited) range of choices -- so that he can feel he is in control. So for example with the milk, you might let him decide: do you want milk? do you want apple juice? do you want water? I believe at this toddler phase they are starting to become people, with their own wants and desires ...


74

We have a similarly strong-willed, opinionated toddler. A few additional tactics to suggest here: Redirection -- this works a lot of the time. Our child can't communicate well but usually I can tell what he wants (e.g. more cereal before dinner). I will "misunderstand" him and throw a redirect, e.g. "oh you want to help take the onions out to help me ...


45

I don't believe you can spoil a child without having them act spoiled. You can't jump in a pool without getting wet, just like you can't spoil a child without having it affect them. Spoiling a child robs the child of opportunities to learn and grow. Kids learn how to behave based on how they see their parents (and grandparents) act and how they treat the ...


30

Research indicates (see below for some links) that kids actually thrive when the parents present a united front on discipline. She'll try to test you, to see if she can play one against the other, but knowing that the rules are the rules and what one parent says the other will back up, will give her a sense of security in knowing what to expect. The ...


29

First, we have to understand, why tantrums are so common at that age. From what I understand as a parent, at this age kids want to express a lot more than they are able to. This leads to a lot of frustration and tantrums. The best way to deal with tantrums is not to let them happen: often tantrums happen when kids hungry or tired or miss the nap, so if you ...


25

There are three factors you have to balance: safety for your child, teaching proper behavior, and respect for others. Obviously, safety for your child is the first and foremost concern. What you did (stand nearby while he sat down and had a tantrum) sounds like there was no danger to him, so that's not a concern in this case. What constitutes respect for ...


23

I actually found that my first liked being spanked. Spanking modified behaviour not one tiny bit. Bad attention was better than no attention. On the other hand, being ignored drove her right through the roof, so she'd melt down, and we'd scoop her up and dump her in her room, and let her scream her brains out. When she calmed down, we'd go get her. We did ...


22

Classic good-cop-bad-cop is definitely wrong with a toddler because it involves a lot of lying. The bad cop threatens to beat the suspect up or otherwise do something cops are not allowed to do. The bad cop steps out and the good cop says "I'm on your side dude, but that guy is out of control and I don't know what he'll do next. Listen, if you just [....] I ...


22

I see a lot of things that you can do just in the question, though I'm not sure there's a true answer to your question. First of all, one of the hardest things for children to deal with is inconsistency. Having Grandma treat him one way and (Step)Mom/Dad treat him another way is very confusing. This is not to say that you should not treat him ...


15

I know a lot of parents who sort of "out-ridiculous" their kid to remind them what a tantrum looks like to others and how unlikely it is to result in getting what they want. In those cases, the parent isn't trying to assert dominance, and I personally don't think it's particularly harmful, but you know if that's what the parent is doing because it usually ...


14

Both of my kids did this when they were that age. It basically boils down to the kiddo does not have your (or your partner's) undivided attention and they want it. There are several ways to cure this behavior, or least I have been told there are. The one that work best for my family was the following procedure... When we all came together we would devote a ...


14

NEVER give in. Put him in another room (no one wants to be around tantrums, and tell him so) and wait it out. He may cry for a pretty long time the first couple of times but when he realizes it gets him ABSOLUTELY no attention the time will lessen. He ONLY gets desserts after eating dinner (you determine how much that is). If he is not hungry enough for ...


14

Ahhh, I just LOVE people who correct other parents in public. You weren't endangering him; you were right there, waiting out the tantrum. IMHO those women had no business stepping in unless you were endangering your child, and sitting out a tantrum is NOT abuse. FWIW, I do one of two things when one of mine have a tantrum in public. (A) let them scream ...


14

We addressed the "addiction" part of your question previously, but I wanted to talk about the behavior part. First, you shouldn't expect it to be as easy for your five year-old as it is for your nine year-old. Nine year-olds live a lot less "in the moment" compared to five year-olds, have developed more interests, and have learned more coping strategies ...


14

I personally think 21 months is time for a bed he can get in and out of himself - my parenting style leans towards independent kids. That doesn't help with the tantrums though. I have 2 suggestions you can consider: Ask him to go sit somewhere specific, where you can sit next to him. We used a stair, and if he didn't stay put we would go sit with him. ...


13

I volunteer at ADHD and Aspergers syndrome vacation camps for kids. We hold raging kids and keep a rigid consequence structure that everyone follows (organizers included). Usually after 2-3 everything calms down and the kids can have fun. Holding is helpful to calm down a child but it does not fix the source of his tantrums. Write a contract with your ...


12

Oh wow, what a lousy situation for all of you! It depends on where you live, but one resource I'd suggest is whatever social services you have available. She could probably use the services of a professional to help her unpack all the things going on in her life: father with a history of violence towards family who is also in-and-out of her life, the usual ...


12

You have a wonderful set of conflicting goals here that I'm sure many parents have grappled with - I know I have. I think your question really has three parts to it (so my answer is quite long - sorry, but I really hope it helps), the most obvious question is, should I make him apologize? but there are two other key ingredients here too: Will my coldness ...


11

I have worked with many children who are self abusive and this is a perplexing problem for parents and caregivers. Head banging, self-biting, clawing/scratching, and hair pulling are all self-injurious behaviors sometimes exhibited. A very important question to ask is what is triggering this unique acting-out behavior. Toddlers are often frustrated when ...


11

Actually, trimming his nails is a good solution, and what I'd have recommended. If your child's nails are long enough to draw blood, then they need to be shortened. Even if it means trimming them twice a week. - This is a must. I'd rather stop the obviously damaging behaviour at the risk of whatever might take its place, than continue to tolerate the ...


11

Tantrums are a symptom, not really the problem. You can try to deal with the symptom but until you get to the root of the actual cause, you stand little chance of eliminating the symptom in the long term. It is important to remember that many toddlers have not really developed their ability to communicate. Often a tantrum is a sign of frustration, however ...


11

I completely relate - know that it gets better. When my little girl was four she went through a phase almost exactly like the one you describe - except instead of tantrums she dissolved into tears. First, you should know that developmentally a lot of things are going on at four and they are growing in ways that are much more difficult to "see" than when ...


10

If I am in public do I have to stop my son's tantrum at all cost, even if I lose that "battle"? You are the parent. You make the rules. If you feel that stopping the tantrum is most important, even more important than the potential for learning, then do what you can to stop the tantrum. My personal opinion is that this sounds like giving in -- what ...


10

Tantrums are about garnering attention. That's what differentiates them from merely crying. It's not just, "I'm upset because I wanted to go the other way," it's, "I'm upset because I wanted to go the other way and I'm going to hold everyone's attention until I get what I want." That's why the "wait it out" technique doesn't work very well in public, ...


9

After doing some research on this, it seems that some tantrum behaviors might be warning signs of problems. First, though, it is helpful to understand what causes tantrums. Tantrums are the results of a child feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. They typically occur in children aged 2-3, and normally taper off by 4 years of age. They are normal parts of ...


9

The only piece I would add to the excellent answers so far is that these techniques will also work for the later phases when tantrums may sneak back. There are various stages when children want to do things they either physically can't or know they aren't supposed to and want want to push boundaries. Redirection, ignoring them and sending them to their ...


9

I would start out by handling primary-schooler tantrums the same way as toddler tantrums -- basically, don't let his tantrums succeed. Immediate and natural consequence. Deny him whatever it was he threw the tantrum over, end your current activity, abort your planned activity, or whatever else is appropriate. Don't give in, ever. A tantrum never wins. He ...


9

first of all, I want to say that I have tremendous respect for what you are doing. My wife is experiencing the same thing, so I know how it is. The way I see this, is that your little one is passionate and curious. But he does not understand the world he lives in. My daughter also bites, scratches, and hits. When it comes to discipline, there is not much we ...


8

One note about expectations. There are places and times where we can expect toddlers to behave. Dad has to go to the grocery store. But there are places/events where it is unreasonable to expect a toddler to behave. The kid isn't going to behave through the 3 hours wedding reception. Don't put the kid in situations where failure is likely. Why on earth ...


8

Self-harm in toddlers can be hard to pin down. It's very common with autistic children and children with sensory disorders -- they can block out overload or frustration with something easy to do that shuts out whatever they're having trouble ignoring. If you already suspect autism or a sensory disorder for other reasons, I'd look doubly hard at the ...



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