Tag Info

Hot answers tagged

21

They should be rewarded for good behavior in the process of learning the good behavior. Then after a while when the child understands that the "good behavior task" is expected, you can gradually stop rewarding for that behavior. It is important that this kind of rewarding is just praising, and not giving gifts like toys or treats as rewarding. I don't ...


13

The thing is, it sounds like blackmailing, but you are teaching that actions have consequences. "If you don't go to bed now you will be tired tomorrow" is a fact; however one that children won't get. Tomorrow is ages away and child cares mostly about now. But you actually know more about the child than it does when it is small, so you need to be able to ...


10

I don't think you're necessarily "backing out", or have to worry about him feeling he can just hold out until standards are lowered. You can simply say "this isn't working, since you aren't getting full weeks of 'greens'. Let's think of something else. We can still go to movies sometimes, when we all agree to go, but it won't be as often as if you were ...


10

Rewarding good behavior has its place, but as I mention in this answer, I believe that children should not be generally rewarded for meeting basic expectations. We use positive feedback as a crude form of reward for my 21-month-old son; cheering and clapping when he does what we ask him to do. However, we don't bribe him with incentives (no "if you pick up ...


10

What I have done in the past with similar things is enroll the kids in developing the program. Tell them you want to reward them for good behavior. Let them know you think they are great kids and want to reward them for what they are already doing (again focus on the positive). Kids want to be good, but it is hard for them to work with their developing ...


9

It seems to me that the question you linked (I haven't read all the answers) is about things which should be considered normal (sleeping in her own bed). Maybe the main objection ("the child will become reluctant to do things if there are no rewards") can be mitigated by clearly defining what chores the child is expected to do normally (tidying her room, ...


9

I would have serious reservations about such a system. As TorbenGB mentioned, it might be a useful tool for you to communicate with the nanny, but young children have difficulty associating negative (or positive) reinforcement with behavior that did not immediately precede the reinforcement. Your daughter may have a great deal of difficulty connecting ...


9

There are those who feel that rewards are just as counter-productive as punishments. See "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn. He observes that both follow essentially the same pattern: "do this and you'll get A" is pretty much the same as "don't do this and you'll get B." He cites some research indicating that using extrinsic rewards can actually quash a ...


6

A problem with having an all-or-nothing reward (5/5 required) is that once he fails on one day there is no longer any incentive for the whole week. You want to be able to play the "you can still turn it around" card. One way to get around it is to have a medium level reward and a high level reward for the week. As others have mentioned it can be helpful ...


5

We have done this with all three kids. They needed 26 stickers for a prize (yes even my 3 year old could wait that long). After 26 stickers the behavior was a habit. I told them we don't have to work on this behavior any longer that they were amazing at it now and it worked!


5

While I personally have a number of issues with Kohn's book, I do agree that "do-this-and-you-get-that" is a poor system, fraught with problems. The stance that we are taking with my son (who is still only two, but its never too early to start expecting participation) is that chores are things that just need to get done, and that we expect him to do those ...


5

First off, rewards do not have to be financial. They can be encouragement, praise, getting to stay up a little later...anything Secondly, as adults we do chores not because we want to but because we know the consequences will be more work later in tidying up - children can be taught this from quite an early age. When they are very young they don't have ...


5

My favorite incentive is a good story or riddle. My children happen to love riddles and real historical stories, so if I need to encourage some behavior I will start with a teaser and let them know that the rest of the story is coming at bedtime if they do as I request. This has the advantage of encouraging listening and paying attention, as well. When the ...


4

My principle is to try to stick to "natural consequences". That is, I do not punish my children in a way that makes me seem to be peeved, and therefore I punish them. Rather than that, I focus on why I want to correct my children's behavior, and try to let them feel what the consequences are if they behave incorrect. Mostly that's just not shielding the ...


4

I think that what your sister is getting at is the distinction between several kinds of discipline. Let's say that I want my child (let's call him Tommy) to eat a healthy dinner. How can I do that? "Tommy, if you eat (all of) your spinach, I'll let you have a cookie." "Tommy, if you don't eat your spinach, you can't have a cookie." These are inverses ...


2

One thing to keep in mind, to work, your child needs to understand it. You didn't mention the age(s) you're dealing with so it's hard to say if that's overkill or not. (though to be honest, I'm tempted to say it is for any age level that this type of chart would work for.) There are a lot of great examples on the web. Many of them follow the well used ...


2

My local nursery gives the kids a sticker if they were very good that day, but even at 4 years old they can have difficulty understanding the cumulative total. ie they are very happy to get a sticker for a good day, and may understand the fact they have a lot of stickers but not tie that back to the difference between 4 good days and eight good days.


2

You're right you shouldn't reward for expected behavior but I've found when things need to get done if I ask and it's done right the first time I'll give something. Generally my rewards are with praise and appreciation. And then we talk about responsibility and such. I do give an allowance for getting their work done (basic chores) at the end of each ...


2

I never really thought of a parent's role as creating consequences (good or bad), but as converting long term consequences into short term ones. Kids have the double handicap of both being naturally more short-sighted than adults and having more of their natural consequences be far in the future. For example, the natural consequences of not paying ...


2

This is as much a problem with adults as children. Think of your work situation. You start the year, your boss (implicitly or explicitly) says "Do a good job this year and you will get a raise". Twelve months later, you're told you didn't do a good enough job and don't get a raise. Alternately, your boss has a list of goals, and periodically discusses ...


2

The initial goal should be simply using the potty. This creates a strong positive connection to the desired behavior, that is easy for the child to comprehend. I'd also recommend the reward be some sort of short, focused time with the parent - can be a game of patty cake, reading them a very short book. It's both relatively "free" and they can never eat too ...


2

I got lucky when it came to potty training. All I had to do was ask her and she did it. Wow! Other tasks weren't so easy, though. I don't recall what it was I was try to teach her, but this is what I did and what I hope will help you by my sharing it. First, I would recommend not calling it "an accident". The reason being is that we all naturally want ...


2

The only really bad thing would be to threaten a punishment that you don't intend to carry through on or that is disproportionate to the offense. Punishment is not blackmail. The law does not blackmail us in to not stealing from other people. It tells us that if we do bad thing x, bad thing y will happen to us. This is a natural and important part of ...


1

In my household I simply expect everybody to contribute. Of course, that's only according to their abilities, and of course children should have lots of free time left. But there are chores to be done, and some of them are done by the kids. Their sole incentive doing them is that they contribute to the community they live in. Over the years we have ...


1

The problem here is the concept of positive reinforcement, but what you do here is to accidentally "punish" your son with your rewards. The concept of "You may only watch TV after you cleaned up your toys" does not present watching TV as a reward, but cleaning up as a punishment and lowers watching TV to a regular activity. You are basically saying "You ...


1

A blog I read suggested giving a task that must be done to the youngest child capable. This is because than the child gets a "big person" job, and not the same childish job they have been doing for a long while. Also, older children see their younger siblings are also asked to help out. Children frequently are motivated by thinking of themselves as more ...


1

There's no need to back out in any special way. The strategy isn't working, so just discontinue it. I would also not replace it with another attempt at bribery. Instead, maybe you could consider taking away privileges when he misbehaves. If he doesn't get a green on a particular day, he might lose privileges (or a subset) for just the rest of that day. ...


1

We kept ours real simple: I printed up slips of paper that look like a coffee shop's loyalty program. There are two rows of squares: homework and housework. Each time she our daughter completes her homework or housework, she gets it stamped (just like a coffee shop). When the sheet is complete, she gets her pocket money. The idea is to keep is simple, fun ...


1

I think what you're looking for is covered here: How to operate a successful “Star Chart”? I think that topic covers the same ideas and aspects - though admittedly at two years old, your child can't actively participate in formulating the goals, but in my opinion the rest remains valid. I'm not sure if your nanny's idea is really effective to use with a ...


1

I am not a big proponent of such charts and reward systems for the reasons listed in @Christine Gordon's answer. However, before I learned some of the alternative types of techniques she mentions I did use a few with students. If you still want to use such a system, you might try something along the lines of, "I have to catch you getting along at least 8 ...



Only top voted, non community-wiki answers of a minimum length are eligible