Hot answers tagged

171

I think there are two problems here: Your child is friends with a kid who has learned some maladaptive behaviors/ideas and is passing them on to your child. You and your wife are apparently unaware of the social and cultural realities outside your own family. This isn't to say that you can fix the situation, but you'd have a better chance of doing so if ...


70

I'm not a professional, but my view is that you don't have any relationship whatsoever with a person who has harmed your children unless the wish for a relationship comes entirely from the child who was harmed, with no prompting or encouragement. Doing so delivers to your child a message that they're expected to accept abuse and allow abusive people to ...


56

You can't make anything clear to someone who doesn't respect your opinion. Explanations only matter if the person you're explaining to has kind of the same world view as you do. This is where boundaries come in. Clearly things are not ideal for this girl, and it's natural to want to be helpful, but in this situation, true helpfulness is often more than what ...


39

How you act in this situation depends a lot on how much you and your daughter want to see this friendship continue. Make sure to evaluate this from the perspective of how it affects your children, not Joe. I know this might come off as a bit heartless, but Joe isn't your responsibility. Your children are. As such you need to worry about what is best for ...


26

This is actually pretty common. First, lets get some things out on the table. Your talking to her. That makes you her friend, at least a little. Don't think that because you're older you can't "be friends". There need to be boundaries, obviously. But to someone that age "friend" can be anyone that listens. There are structured groups (Boys and Girls Club, ...


25

As I get older, I have come to believe deeply in the idea that who you are friends with, and who you choose to associate with, profoundly influences your behavior. If you hang around with hoodlums, you are more likely to become a criminal. That however is just my opinion. I did find one study about smoking that corroborates this, at least in that one single ...


25

Your kids' need to feel safe is more important than this other kid's need to have friends, and you need to tell the other mother that.


23

Depending on their age, you may be able to use this to teach them about finances. Not everyone is paid the same. Not everyone has the same expenses. Also, you might give them an opportunity to earn a little more: Small payments for special housework (they still have chores that don't count here) Other jobs (selling candy/soda/etc. at a garage sale; odd ...


21

Your kid doesn't understand the difference between this and any other toy because he's sane. It is a toy and almost completely incapable of hurting anyone. He probably has a dozen things in his backpack more dangerous than this toy. It is the adults in the situation that are screwed up, not the kid. He's not supposed to bring toys to school, so his ...


19

Am I really wrong ??? The situation you're in is truly heartbreaking. No one but you can decide for yourself if you're right or wrong. However, other people can share their experiences and beliefs. One question that comes to mind is, would you feel the same exact way if the other person were a male? In other words, if she didn't come out as gay and ...


17

Don't invite Joe to the birthday. He won't have your daughter's full attention, and he'll get upset. This will be setting him up to fail, and that's not what Joe needs. (Nor is it what Joe's victim will need.) If you want to do something special, invite Joe and his mom out to dinner for your daughter's birthday.


16

My comment was a little harsh, here is how I feel about this situation: Your daughter is an adult. You have absolutely no right to tell her who she can and cannot befriend. I don't know what this girl has or has not done, but I do know parents almost always hold a bias. I remember growing up, my parents wouldn't let me hang out with certain friends ...


15

Talk to your son. An 8 year old is mature enough to understand a lot of what is going on here and choose for himself. What he needs is your guidance & wisdom. My wife and I have no TV, we disallow violent games (simulated killing is not allowed), we don't have video games, we teaching proper custodianship of the earth, respecting other people, ...


14

In addition to the answers already given, I would also point out those who are not as fortunate as you or the richer families. Depending on the age of your child, it may be a good time to discuss community service. Take your child to a food bank or get involved in other activities where your child can experience both sides of the coin.


12

My seven year-old has cerebral palsy, so I've been on the other side of the coin. Mostly what I remember about those difficult first few months was that a lot of people started thinking they had to either make grand gestures or none at all. They planned special birthday parties for us in the hospital, just for us, but then didn't invite us to their "normal"...


12

Unless your child took the gun to school in order to threaten someone with it, or has thought about or talked about hurting someone with a real gun, I don't see why this isn't 'just about bringing a toy to school.' You might be scared, reasonably or unreasonably depending on the school and the circumstances, about someone such as a police officer mistakenly ...


12

My nine year old has had similar difficulties, although he does not yet have an official diagnosis. These are some things we found to help: First of all, consider that he doesn't need a lot of friends, he just needs one good one. It can take a while to find one, but there is someone out there who is the right mix of tolerance and kindness and quirkiness ...


11

"That's great. I'm glad to see that you have ambitions. What do you think you can do to earn more money?"


11

In general, older kids will be viewed as cooler kids, probably because they have more freedoms and do more complex/rewarding things. Because of this, the younger children will emulate them, for better or worse. If you think that these older kids are someone you want your children to look up to, then its good to have your children interact with them. If they ...


10

At a slumber party, the number of attendees is usually more restricted than otherwise — there is a bit less space, a longer time commitment for the hosts, and the amount of noise generated by guests seems to increases exponentially instead of arithmetically... especially at 2am. It's possible that the age difference played some part in the decision; perhaps ...


9

There are some good answers, but I wanted to speak up a little for us introverts to provide some counterpoint. There's a big difference between being able to get along with new people and liking to meet new people. As hard as it is for extroverts to believe, introverts are more comfortable alone. When we want to unwind, we seek solitude rather than a ...


9

I don't know what you mean by going to time out but it almost sounds like you're trying to force the child to be participating and being social from the start. Give the child time to adapt to the newcomers. Don't expect the child to be social and friendly immediately -- allow a number of minutes to get used to the situation. Let the child play in his ...


9

I am not sure this is the right forum for this question, but I'll give you the advice I would have given my former students. Putting you sitting next to a girl does not mean the teacher or other adults around will think you are dating and, honestly, even if there are some kids giving you a hard time about it - they don't actually think it means you are ...


8

Keep it simple, keep it short, keep it contained. Simple: I would go with one or two games, with one more as a back-up. The kids may want to do more free-play than you thought, especially if the weather is nice. Keep the food you serve simple. Variety often leads to chaos. You don't want a fistfight over the only green cupcake. Short: These kids are ...


8

Just be there. Share their pain. Don't run away. Love them and their children. This is a tragic situation, and they need people around them. They don't need to feel isolated, and people are going to shy away. Don't do so yourself. With limited info at my disposal, the most obvious thing I can suggest for practical help is to offer to watch the other ...


8

All I can say is; while I understand your deep feelings of concern - you have to be realistic - you cannot shield your child from the realities of society forever. You could keep him locked in a bubble till he leaves home - but then I'm afraid when that day comes the world will eat him alive. So by all means disapprove of the other family; by all means do ...


8

We always talk about the people coming (important distinction from just telling them about them) - so we remember the last time they were there, perhaps some news about them, what we're going to do, if they're another child then we might talk about what toy to share. Basically it's about setting her up to ask questions or show something off to the new ...


8

Your rules are not too difficult for a 7-year-old to remember and follow on her own. When I was that age, I was allowed to go visit my friend who lived down the road, but my mom's rules were explicit. You have permission to go to X person's house. You are NOT to be anywhere else and you are to be home by X time. If I find out otherwise, you are in ...


8

1) The other kid. Talk to your son. Make sure you listen to what he says and acknowledge it. His feelings of hurt, anger, and confusion are real. The aim here is to allow your son to come to the realization that he doesn't want to spend time with this other boy because the other boy causes upset. 2) Removing an iPad for 25 minutes is just as effective ...



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