Hot answers tagged

104

Five years ago I was practically in your son's shoes. I am not a parent, nor do I intend to be, largely because of this style of parenting. That said, I feel I might be able to give you a view from his perspective. Understand that I am trying very, very hard to keep restraint here while you read my answer. Let us address your first point; We are ...


51

Have you "walked a mile in his shoes?" Unless you can see the world through his eyes, how can you begin to help him? So, based on the incomplete details you've provided, let's check out what we can see through his eyes: My parents have taken everything away. I can get hit by my parents at any time and unless I'm perfect, I get punished. My ...


46

I don't believe you can spoil a child without having them act spoiled. You can't jump in a pool without getting wet, just like you can't spoil a child without having it affect them. Spoiling a child robs the child of opportunities to learn and grow. Kids learn how to behave based on how they see their parents (and grandparents) act and how they treat the ...


34

If you research "toddler noncompliance" (meaning disobedience), there is a wealth of information. Part of the reason so much information exists is because it is a common concern of parents, and so there's a need/desire to understand it. One of the factors that influences the child's seemingly sudden increase in disobedience in toddlerhood is the change in ...


29

Kids, just like adults, want to "be cool", to have fun and to have something they can share with their friends. TV, video games, pro wrestling, whatever. And the parts they want to talk about/reenact are going to be the ones that they find most fun or exciting. Think back to the last action movie you saw (for me it was probably Avengers or something ...


28

Often the solution here is as simple as reframing the request. So if he is playing with blocks and it's time to leave for school, no matter how much advance notice you give and no matter that you leave for school at the same time every day, when you announce "time to leave for school!" he may well resist and refuse and generally push back. So try asking ...


28

In my somewhat limited experience with children this age, they aren't disobeying maliciously. They are at a point in their lives where they are trying to assert their own desires and their independence. They want to get what they want and sometimes that is just being, at the very least, somewhat in control of their world. And saying "no" is the tried and ...


28

Experiencing failure at something (or even success but not being the best) and finding that it's OK, and even something can help him find ways to improve and be better in the future, would help. Rock climbing, with appropriate safety measures, can teach a lot here (as can some other sports). Reframing not even trying as failure might help too. If he doesn'...


23

I see a lot of things that you can do just in the question, though I'm not sure there's a true answer to your question. First of all, one of the hardest things for children to deal with is inconsistency. Having Grandma treat him one way and (Step)Mom/Dad treat him another way is very confusing. This is not to say that you should not treat him ...


16

This is absolutely normal - she has discovered a new toy: her voice. At this age she doesn't really know anything about the effect loud shouts can have on others. And even when you ask her to stop, that is only a short term thing. But this will come with time - I'd suggest keeping on doing as you are now. If you make too big a thing of it, sometimes ...


15

I have always pictured it as though they discovered a lightswitch inside their head that does something they've never felt before, with the ability to make the physical world around them conform with the mental world they are building within (of course, they don't necessarily realize they're only getting away with it because you're trying to help them grow, ...


15

Violence and play fighting is an innate aspect of human behaviour. You can observe animals play fighting as well. Domestically, you can observe cats and dogs play fight, more commonly as juveniles. Our closest animal relative, chimps, are also known to wrestle and play chase. I don't believe the desire to play fight is mimicked from television (what ...


15

I'd like to add another important point to those already mentioned in other answers. Don't go it alone. I said this in a comment and I'll say it again: unless you've been specifically trained or, through years of experience, have some knowledge of how to help people going through depression yourself, don't try it on your own. Although everyone's ...


15

Your child needs professional help. He's caused severe injury to two other children and nearly murdered a third. Talk to your pediatrician immediately and get a referral for a psychiatric evaluation before he causes more harm.


14

Different kids need to hear different messages. Many of the tactics, stratagems, and talking points that work on younger kids or non-smokers simply will not work if you are dealing with an older teen who already smokes (e.g. kissing a smoker is like kissing an ashtray). Some of what I'm about to suggest may actually be counterproductive for a non-smoker to ...


14

Realistically, there is only one way to treat this young man and that is to love him, completely and without reservation, forever. It's not easy to diagnose your family's problems from a single 425 word description, but certain tells jump out of your story. I'm sure you love the kid, or else you wouldn't be here. His mother and sister love him, too. But ...


13

I don't know if it's the case for you, but one thing I see a lot of parents of strong-willed children do repeatedly is ask a question, then get frustrated when the child answers in the negative. If a negative answer is not acceptable, then don't ask a question! Reserve questions for when you are honestly okay with any response. Bad: Do you want to go ...


13

Okay, I'm just gonna tell you what I did...after failing miserably with my teen age boys (who btw behaved the same way at the same age). So when my 14 year old baby girl started to show signs of behaving the same way, here is what I didn't do: I did not yell, fight or make empty threats at her. I did not offer rewards for her poor behavior to stop. I did ...


12

My nine year old has had similar difficulties, although he does not yet have an official diagnosis. These are some things we found to help: First of all, consider that he doesn't need a lot of friends, he just needs one good one. It can take a while to find one, but there is someone out there who is the right mix of tolerance and kindness and quirkiness ...


10

If he's afraid of not being the best at everything, I'd teach him about specialization. Point out how silly it would be if we had doctors building roads and bridges, or firemen teaching classes at school, or chefs playing baseball on TV! (Wait for him to laugh at the mental image.) People have things that they're good at, and things that they're not good ...


10

At eight, this isn't a safety issue any longer -- she is unlikely to wander into traffic or get lost in a crowd. She may be holding hands for her own sense of security, or to demonstrate affection, or for whatever reason she wants to. If that's fine with the person she wants to hold hands with, then it does not need to be considered an issue. When it is a ...


10

This may be country-dependent (I'm German), but my experience is that smoking is largely considered to be uncool among (educated) twenty-somethings. Maybe your sister can't wait to get older (to finish high school, to go to university, etc.). If that's the case, since you are 23, you are in a good position to convince her that, in the environment she ...


9

I'm not sure of the answer exactly, but I sometimes hold her and kiss on the cheek together with a soft hug. However, I have the feeling that such action does not have any effect on her... If you look at mammals in general, facial licking is practiced as a means of communication by (those without hands) from soon after birth onwards. It is likely that ...


9

Your instinct is exactly on point -- you shouldn't force the child to do what he doesn't want to do; nor should you push him away from what he does want to do if it's harmless. Luckily, your grandson is living in an age where gender stereotypes are being questioned by society (think Target and Amazon)! The best thing you can do is let him play with what he ...


9

In some ways this might be considered a healthier reaction than punching other things. It shows that she is trying to control herself, but she doesn't know how. My son had anger issues and it helped when we got him one of those inflatable punching buddies. We made sure he understood that it was absolutely okay for him to punch it as much and as hard as he ...


9

Your son sounds totally normal. He has his group of friends and one of them is a better friend than the others. Personally, I have my friends and then I have some friends who are closer than others. I would be willing to bet you do too. So that part is totally normal. The fact that he gets upset when he can't go play with this friend seems normal too. ...


9

I started smoking at 17 because a girl I had a huge crush on smoked so it gave me an excuse to hang out with her. What would it have taken for her to convince me? I dunno. That girl saying no and a developing interest in a non-smoker? Yeah, I know, teenagers can be shallow and stupid. At least I can be honest about it. It didn't help that I was already ...


8

The ultimate goal of any punishment or discipline method ought to be discouraging a repeat of that behavior in future. It sounds like he's more focused on the part where he's done wrong and deserves punishment — not making the next leap of logic to the part where he's learning from mistakes. My daughter frequently sneaks junk food into her room late at ...


8

Have you had her evaluated to see if she has any sensory issues? Sensory disorder can cause issues with clothing, as the clothes can feel extremely uncomfortable. If you think this might be the issue, try seeing if the few clothing items she can tolerate have anything in common, and build on that. Some general guidelines that commonly help are: Super ...


8

If your kid acts up only in preschool, then there is something which only happens there and that triggers this behaviour. This maybe the behaviour of a certain kid towards her (eg. someone calls her "a baby" and she hits back), but it can also be something about the surrounding, like a room with little personal space or daylight, etc. You should ask your ...



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