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54

She goes to my mom and dad if I yell at her or if I say "No." Then I get in trouble. But that's not the point. Actually, that is the point. Especially considering: I don't want her to hate me like my mother and I hate one another It sounds like your parents aren't letting you be your daughter's parent. This is a major problem. You need to sit ...


33

First off, your interaction with your toddler is totally common (I would say it's borderline universal, actually). Toddlers that age love to push boundaries. I would say two things - the first is, don't sweat it so much. If your kid only eats crap, let it happen. They're seriously not going to be a 20 year old who only eats chicken nuggets. Hitting and ...


17

From what you describe, it sounds like you're making a huge and sensible effort to be a good parent. I think you would do well in a situation where you are not overruled. But it's clear from your description that your parents are overruling your parenting decisions, and this is the thing that causes you the most grief. This is what you should work on -- ...


14

Your situation is very familiar to me. You want to be independent and make your own choices, yet at the same time you wish for a closer bond with your father. Fortunately, you can have it both ways. You've probably already realized that one reason for the rather empty phone calls is simply that nothing much has changed since last time. So you end up talking ...


13

Assuming that you are not spending beyond your means, I'd be inclined to bluntly explain how you can afford the things you do (e.g. putting away a little each paycheck to save up for big purchases, budgeting your income with certain portions earmarked for the types of purchases she comments on, simply making enough above your regular expenses to be able to ...


11

First of all, your daughter's behavior is perfectly normal for her age. I don't know if that thought is terrifying or comforting. They are basically hardwired to seek out the adult of least resistance. The usual way for households to survive that stage is by all adults getting on the same page, which is sometimes easier said than done. Your parents don't ...


11

Assuming you're not your granddaughters legal guardian, remember that your granddaughter is not your daughter. When a parent (read: any legal guardian) is present, knows what is going on and has okayed it, you are not to interfere. The only exceptions are when she is (in danger of) hurting herself, or hurting you or something of yours. If those ...


10

This is a very challenging situation: your parents hold beliefs that you do not share. You're not going to change them and they're not going to change you (most likely anyway.) It's most likely that you will simply have to deal with the situation, kindly explaining to the women they send your way your true situation. They, in turn, will have to deal with ...


9

Your mother-in-law is crossing boundaries. The best way to establish boundaries is to answer with few words (your script) and try not to veer from them. Try a genuine "Thanks for the input, Mom" or "Thanks for worrying about us" or just a "Hmmmm." This acknowledges that she is trying to be helpful without defending your position or assigning any value to her ...


9

When we were newlyweds, my wife also had trouble spending savings. Her parents had drummed into her over and over the importance of saving, but never taught her when it was okay to spend or not. I think that's because they are somewhat impulsive spenders themselves, and feel guilty themselves, so they project that onto their children. What we did was ...


8

Back when I was a student teacher, my supervising teacher taught me a valuable thing about child psychology: kids (these were elementary-school kids) tend to focus on one person as the authority figure. If I was teaching a lesson at the front of the room but my supervising teacher was still watching in the back, as far as the kids were concerned, he was ...


7

Your Mom thinks she loves you but she needs to win! She treats it like a contest. She has many hidden ways of manipulating you and she is hitting you, too. Now she is winning the contest of being a parent to your daughter. All in the name of love, because she doesn't see that the goal of raising a child is to raise an independent strong person. You ...


6

You sound like you are in a very bad situation right now and I want you to know that you are taking a courageous and important first step by seeking objective feedback about your situation. As a therapist,I will echo what many have said previously...your relationship with your mother is the root of many of the issues you are having with your child. A good ...


6

As a father of a young girl only slightly older than yours, I can assure you, all the behavior you've described is perfectly normal. She is doing exactly what a child of her age should be doing. It's a very challenging age. She is a little person with her own personality, her own will, and her own opinions, and this is just how she is attempting to express ...


6

Honestly, unless your daughter gave her a large sharp knife to cut her hair with, it's not abuse or anything. It sounds like your daughter is letting her daughter take some control over her own appearance. If, once she's done, your granddaughter is displeased with her haircut, take her to a hairdresser for a repair. If your granddaughter likes her hair, ...


5

If you want to maintain a relationship with him, "I'm already an adult and have my own plans" isn't going to contribute to it. Perhaps you just need to plan further in advance. If you know now that 2 weeks from now you'll be spending the day together, you won't make conflicting plans with other people. A movie followed by a meal is a great choice because ...


5

I can't find a great deal of hard-data on this particular topic (impact of parental fights on children), but I do find a lot of resources on the short-term and long-term effects of parental divorce. While it may be arguable that parental divorce is a "petty issue", I'm sure it can be agreed that there's a link somewhere between the quarrels and the more ...


5

The answers provided so far are a bit brusque, but I'd suggest that's because, as you most likely know, we all want to be free to raise our children in our own way -- sometimes quite different from how our parents raised us. I remember telling my mother when I was rather young that I wasn't going to learn from all of her mistakes: I would sometimes make my ...


4

In answering this, you are better considering a comparison between the quarrelling and the realistic alternative to it, not just the bickering in isolation. Here's how I'll define the situation: The parents can't stop bickering, criticizing, squabbling, and putting each other down. The children are learning that this is how relationships work. They also ...


4

I know my answer is tardy but I'm going to set this out here anyway. We have a mother in law who always makes uncomfortable comments about things we've purchased, And then . . . These comments especially seem to upset my wife, who has guilt issues, who had to deal with this growing up and never wants to spend money on anything. So... based on ...


4

First and foremost, your parents are the only parents you have, and they will always be your parents. It can be easy at times to forget this, particularly while you are angry at them, but underneath it all, they're your family, and you (almost certainly) love them. Being angry/disappointed/frustrated with someone is not mutually exclusive with loving them. ...


3

I TOTALLY agree with She goes to my mom and dad if I yell at her or if I say "No." Then I get in trouble. But that's not the point. Actually, that is the point. Your parents may well be crippling you; get an independent 3rd party to come along (any wise person you can trust) to secretly observe the dynamic and confirm to you that you are indeed ...


3

A lot of sensible advice has already been given here. Here are some additional two cents from me: You need to move out, or confront your own parents. Put them in therapy if need be. The trouble with parents is that their children never grow up in their eyes, and the parents always think to be smarter and wiser. They also love to keep the same authority ...


3

There are a lot of good answers here. I just want to add one thing that you can do straight away that might make your situation a tiny bit more bearable. Before entering the house when coming home from work, or before getting up in the morning, anytime just before you will position yourself in a situation that likely will result in tantrums and/or fighting, ...


3

I think with Asian parents, theres no changing there minds. Its up to you to decide if you're serious about the girl you are with currently and if so let it be known. Loud and Clear. Introduce her to them. To others in your family too. If you have open minded relatives whom you are close to bring them into the picture. See if they cant try and get your ...


3

Research into attachment disorders like reactive attachment disorder show that inattentive primary caregivers or sudden changes of primary caregivers under age 3 or so can have permanent effects on a child's ability to bond with future caregivers, no matter how stable the relationship is after that point. It's something foster and adoptive parents are ...


3

I have a four year old daughter (4 and 1/4), and I am separated from her mother. I have my daughter almost 50%. The behaviour you describe sounds like normal pre-schooler behaviour. The thing to keep in mind is, she doesn't realise they anxiety she is causing you, she's an innocent little thing... to her it's just play. There's no malice in what she is ...


3

The perspective we have taken with our kids is that while we would love them to have great hair all the time, it is fun for them to mess with it, and it can help get it out of their systems. We'd rather they did it now than when they are going to job interviews as adults, so we encourage them to do what they like - and this has included a bit of self ...


2

The whole point is your mother and father seem to be trying to control how you raise the child. They are grandparents and as tough as it may be, maybe getting space from them will help you and your little girl. Mom seems to be undermining you. If this is so, then you do not need to take it lying down. You are the only child. That is their only granddaughter. ...


2

How much time per day are you actively parenting your child? How much time are your parents actively parenting your child? The reason everyone suggests you move out is to force you to actively parent your child for more hours per day. I doubt your parents are actively trying to undermine your authority. Your authority is being undermined as a symptom of ...



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