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54

She goes to my mom and dad if I yell at her or if I say "No." Then I get in trouble. But that's not the point. Actually, that is the point. Especially considering: I don't want her to hate me like my mother and I hate one another It sounds like your parents aren't letting you be your daughter's parent. This is a major problem. You need to sit ...


46

When legally adult children continue to live with their parents, they implicitly accept to live by the rules of the house because they are legally free to choose to move out and live by their own rules. The times you mention seem on the conservative side to me. I'm sure your parents mean well but if you want to change things then I would start by figuring ...


33

First off, your interaction with your toddler is totally common (I would say it's borderline universal, actually). Toddlers that age love to push boundaries. I would say two things - the first is, don't sweat it so much. If your kid only eats crap, let it happen. They're seriously not going to be a 20 year old who only eats chicken nuggets. Hitting and ...


20

If you have 3 rooms for the children, then give each their own room, but with one condition that when guests sleep over, they must give up one room for the guests. That room should be the 20-year-old's because she's the only one not using it full-time in the first place. She's also the only legally adult person whom you are not obliged to house. Do not ...


17

From what you describe, it sounds like you're making a huge and sensible effort to be a good parent. I think you would do well in a situation where you are not overruled. But it's clear from your description that your parents are overruling your parenting decisions, and this is the thing that causes you the most grief. This is what you should work on -- ...


16

There are two possible extremes here--demanding rent as soon as they turn 18 years old, or allowing them to stay for free indefinitely regardless of their social, educational, or vocational status. I assume most of us will agree that the best answer is somewhere between these extremes, but determining exactly where isn't easy. And because family and ...


16

I see two aspects in this, summed up in these words: one one side, the son is a guest and should respect the house rules and/or the wishes of the hosts, on the other side, the parents are making a rather silly demand on their son because he is no longer legally underage and doesn't need to be supervised. In the end, the parents are the hosts, and ...


14

"My rules or get out" is not a good way to teach children to compromise (and we hear that rhetoric so often when being critical of how a country is run, where this is learned I see clearly now..) or negotiate with other adults. You risk casting your children to the wolves, and I've seen friends devoured. In this case, you should be able to calmly sit down ...


14

Where I am from it is really considered taboo. Where my wife is from, on the other hand, it's completely normal and quite logical. I think the key is to understand why (on a case by case basis) the adult-child does not want to move out. It is perfectly normal for people to have room mates in almost any culture, and perhaps his preferred room mates are his ...


14

Your situation is very familiar to me. You want to be independent and make your own choices, yet at the same time you wish for a closer bond with your father. Fortunately, you can have it both ways. You've probably already realized that one reason for the rather empty phone calls is simply that nothing much has changed since last time. So you end up talking ...


14

Assuming that you are not spending beyond your means, I'd be inclined to bluntly explain how you can afford the things you do (e.g. putting away a little each paycheck to save up for big purchases, budgeting your income with certain portions earmarked for the types of purchases she comments on, simply making enough above your regular expenses to be able to ...


13

I feel that all adults living in the household need to actively contribute to the maintenance of the household. This does not necessarily need to be financial, although that is the simplest and most obvious. It could instead include things like taking on more of the cleaning, cooking, and general household maintenance. It may include driving elderly ...


13

This is a very challenging situation: your parents hold beliefs that you do not share. You're not going to change them and they're not going to change you (most likely anyway.) It's most likely that you will simply have to deal with the situation, kindly explaining to the women they send your way your true situation. They, in turn, will have to deal with ...


12

It sounds like your mother may be having difficulty letting go of her control over your life. The constant comparisons are her way of attempting to guide your behavior to match her expectations. Unfortunately, this type of behavior doesn't seem that uncommon. For some parents, the transition from having a child or children who are constantly around, and ...


12

It sounds like your mom has some boundary issues. I don't know that I would call her behavior normal, but I think many mothers and daughters have boundary issues to some extent (I know my mother and I do). Beofett's advice is excellent, and much kinder than mine is. I have reached the point with my mother where I simply do not tolerate her crossing ...


11

In general, I would do the same thing to an 18 year old as any of my kids. They gradually get more freedom to set their own bed time, computer usage, etc, until they are sleeping in, not getting things done, etc. If they blow it, then they are on a tight schedule (For some time, I was sending them to bed at 1900, because they were having serious problems ...


11

An adult who has been assaulted should consider calling the police. If for some reason that is not possible they should consider getting in touch with a local domestic violence helpline. A young adult who has been assaulted in a house where there are other younger children who are also at risk of violence should strongly consider calling either the police; ...


11

I'm sorry, but if you really spent your childhood in happy ignorance until one day you were told "okay, now pick the job you'll do for the rest of your life," your parents did you a horrible disservice. One of the goals of parenting should be to help your child or children figure out what it is they like doing, and guide them into identifying how to make a ...


11

Are you paying rent to your mother? If you are paying rent, you should ask for a reduced rent since you are no longer getting your own room. Is there a basement? Another room on the main floor - something like an office or a den? Consider moving to one of these rooms. If you are not paying rent, you are unfortunately going to have to abide by her rules. ...


11

First of all, your daughter's behavior is perfectly normal for her age. I don't know if that thought is terrifying or comforting. They are basically hardwired to seek out the adult of least resistance. The usual way for households to survive that stage is by all adults getting on the same page, which is sometimes easier said than done. Your parents don't ...


11

Assuming you're not your granddaughters legal guardian, remember that your granddaughter is not your daughter. When a parent (read: any legal guardian) is present, knows what is going on and has okayed it, you are not to interfere. The only exceptions are when she is (in danger of) hurting herself, or hurting you or something of yours. If those ...


11

I can understand that you want your son to leave, because he is not contributing to his own life or to your household. It sounds like he needs to grow up and accept some responsibilities! But I also think that your wanting him to leave seems to be only the tip of the iceberg. If he behaves as poorly as you suggest then I would guess that there are other ...


10

Your mother is experiencing empty nest syndrome. Over the course of twenty years or so, parents' identity and self worth becomes very wrapped up in their children. Sometimes they have trouble adjusting to their new role in your life. She prided herself in being helpful to you and now she doesn't know how anymore, which makes her feel bad about herself. ...


10

Right now, your son doesn't have the life skills to succeed in the world, and you know that. That's why you can't tell him to leave. You know he'll be homeless on a street corner in a week, so what you need to do is get him ready. Cancel his credit card Make him get his own prepay cell phone plan Do not pay for anything he wants Drop him off at the ...


9

When we were newlyweds, my wife also had trouble spending savings. Her parents had drummed into her over and over the importance of saving, but never taught her when it was okay to spend or not. I think that's because they are somewhat impulsive spenders themselves, and feel guilty themselves, so they project that onto their children. What we did was ...


9

Your mother-in-law is crossing boundaries. The best way to establish boundaries is to answer with few words (your script) and try not to veer from them. Try a genuine "Thanks for the input, Mom" or "Thanks for worrying about us" or just a "Hmmmm." This acknowledges that she is trying to be helpful without defending your position or assigning any value to her ...


8

Back when I was a student teacher, my supervising teacher taught me a valuable thing about child psychology: kids (these were elementary-school kids) tend to focus on one person as the authority figure. If I was teaching a lesson at the front of the room but my supervising teacher was still watching in the back, as far as the kids were concerned, he was ...


7

Not really an answer to this because Boefett answered this quite well, however, if you are so miserable, find a new career!!!!! As much as there are days work and being an adult is difficult and not all fun and games, both myself and my husband work in fields that we enjoy greatly. It will be our goal to help our daughter to find a career that she will ...


7

The job of an adult is to raise another competent, functional adult that can manage themselves in the real world, not to raise a child that must always be managed by others. The only thing that having a set bed time for an 18 year old accomplishes is that they don't get a chance to learn how to manage their own tiredness/schedule/etc, and so they'll likely ...


7

When a person is 20 years old, in most places, they are considered an adult and can make their own decisions. Parenting adults is a challenge. Check local public health resources. In the US, there are state funded resources, such as http://www.tobaccofreeca.org/ and http://www.nobutts.org/ or call 1-800-NO-BUTTS Encourage the person to talk to their ...



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