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The kid will soon grow up to the age when she'll need to be disciplined. My husband and I are NOT on the same page regarding disciplining the child.

I think if the kid cries because one parent has refused to give into her demands and decided to time out her, the other parent should not intervene and console the child since that'll give the child a message that mama is bad and daddy is nice rather than letting her understand the problem.

My husband thinks if daddy doesn't intervene to console the child when she cries (w.r.t above mentioned situation), the child will think that both parents are on each other's side and no one loves her.

I don't know whose opinion is correct.
I also don't know how to deal with child if both the parents are not on the same page.

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3 Answers 3

up vote 8 down vote accepted

For discipline of any sort to be effective you really, really need it to be consistent, and that means both parents discussing and agreeing and compromising where necessary. You're certainly doing the right things by thinking about it now and talking about it before it becomes an issue.

Even after discussing and agreeing and compromising, in the heat of a particular moment you may find one of you disagreeing with how the other is handling it. Discuss this fact as well and if possible, agree that in that situation neither of you will contradict the other in front of the child, but will wait and discuss later.

In the specific case of not giving in to demands / putting the child in timeout, you could agree with your husband that whichever of you is dealing with the issue will still reassure the child that you love her, but that you can't allow the particular behaviour and that is why you are imposing the time out. (When my son got old enough to understand, I even said things like "I do love you, but I wouldn't be a very good Mummy if I let you do [whatever], and because I love you I do want to be a good Mummy!")

You could read up on "kind and firm parenting" or "positive discipline" as I think that parenting style sounds like it might fit both of your mindsets.

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+1 for "I love you but I wouldn't be a good Mummy if I let you [do whatever got you in trouble]." OP, discipline does not mean "meanness" or withholding love and affection. You can effectively and easily mix the two, as @Vicky has shown. When my kids are done with their timeouts, we have a little snuggle session where we talk about what got us in that situation, how neither of us likes timeout, and that we love each other. NEVER have I had a kid stay upset past the snuggle session, and the snuggling doesn't lesson the impact of the time out. –  Valkyrie Aug 30 '13 at 10:40
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You're thinking too hard. In my experience, your post is about corner cases.

Lets talk about this: Do you agree on...

  • Acts by the child that deserve punishment?
  • Methods of punishment?

That's the Bread n Butter right there... or is it Meat n Potato(e)s? If you're on the same page right there, then that's 99% of the battle.

Now for some reality: Your kid isn't going to whine "You don't love me!" and hate you till they move out because you stuck their nose in the corner that one time. They will mess up, you'll punish them, the world will continue to spin and you'll all get over it.

Last thing... I don't usually make such absolute statements but I will here: DO NOT PARENT BASED ON FEAR. Don't place parameters on yourself as a parent because you're afraid of what might happen or that you're afraid you're doing it wrong. News flash: every parent ever has gotten it wrong at some point. You won't be the first. Just do what you think is best and be prepared to reverse if the situation warrants it.

Anyway, I never console them when they're crying because they don't like the punishment I gave them and I'm always very clear, before punishment, as to why they're being punished. Then, after the punishment, I recommend a follow-up talk.

Can you tell me why I sent you to your room?

And then a brief discussion about the wrong behaviour and the expected behaviour. It cements the lesson. I usually end my follow-ups with a hug.

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To get discipline you have to be on the same page, and the problem is even not "the nice and the bad", but she will acting you as she want, and this is the real problem. To make discipline, the parents must drive the situation, not the child.
I don't want to tell you what to do in your home, and how to react to child's cry, but one thing I'm sure, is to come to agreement between parents about the way they are disciplining their child.

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