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I am a software engineer working in India. I live with my wife and younger brother who is preparing for management studies. Yesterday I dug into his computer and I was shocked when I found that he is having a relationship with my cousin's daughter, who is graduating in English and Dance.

I have started my married life 6 months back so I am not experienced enough to handle this kind of situation. From their chat history I was able to figure out that they have been in relationship for the last two years. There were also some messages that say the girl once consumed all the medicine available in her house (I guess she was trying to commit suicide).

Can anyone please suggest what to do in this situation? If I share this with my cousin, that too looks dangerous. If I share it with my parents I am afraid that my brother will not able to face them if they talk with him. I am not properly aware of my brother's state of mind so I am little afraid to talk with him too.


Age of my brother : 26

Age of my cousin's daughter : 21+

Why was I looking through his computer records : Once my computer was not working properly, so I was browsing web on his computer. I was searching a site in history of browser, where I see there were more than expected url for Facebook messages. I just clicked on one, and Facebook was logged in so I got access to all messages interchanged.

Yes he was aware of that, at that time he was in same room.

Why I feel there is a need to intervene: Because this is so wrong. I mean how can he do it with cousin's daughter.

Why this question is related to parenting: because my young brother lives with me, and it's cultural here that older brothers watch out for the younger ones when parents aren't around.

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closed as off topic by deworde, Beofett Jun 3 '13 at 13:47

Questions on Parenting Stack Exchange are expected to relate to parenting within the scope defined by the community. Consider editing the question or leaving comments for improvement if you believe the question can be reworded to fit within the scope. Read more about reopening questions here.If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

I'm not 100% sure that this is really a parenting question, but here is what I would do in your situation: call a family meeting, with your brother, your sister and your sister's daughter. If you think your parents will be a positive addition to the meeting then add them too, but if not then don't - they don't need to be in on it if all they will do is have hysterics or blame. Then put out there what you have found, so everyone knows all the facts and everyone is on the same page - and then leave your brother and sister to sort it out between them. – Vicky Jun 3 '13 at 11:34
Just to make sure: your brother have a relation with the daughter of your sister? He is her uncle ? – woliveirajr Jun 3 '13 at 12:15
If I understand this correctly, you're concerned that your brother is having an affair with your cousin's daughter, and that your cousin's daughter may have tried to commit suicide at some point in the past. All of this you discovered by spying on your brother. I'm afraid that I agree that this doesn't seem to be related to parenting, and I'm going to have to close this as off-topic. If my summary is incorrect, please clarify, and we can re-evaluate whether the question is on-topic or not. – Beofett Jun 3 '13 at 13:47
@Beofett : I can justify this is related to parenting, parenting is not only when you are father of some one. I am as a gardian when he is with me. In my country (if not all but) in most family big brothers are like father. I have treated my brothers like that, we respect them, we obey them. In fact my brother is not exception. So me and my wife behaves as parent, we care for everything, from his food to cloths to studies and almost everything. So it is my responsibility to take care of this issue too, and thats why I guessed that I could get an answer here... – Amit Singh Jun 3 '13 at 20:46
@Chris, to be fair the original parameters of the question have changed somewhat with the editing - when I wrote my original comment it appeared that the relationship was between the brother and the brother's niece, and there was also an unstated assumption that the niece was underage. Now it's become clear she is actually a cousin's child and is in her 20s, my answer would be very different. – Vicky Jun 12 '13 at 10:15
up vote 3 down vote accepted

In a situation like this, it's a bit complicated to give suggestions: we don't know how each person will react, how upset each one will get, and how is the relations among everyone involved.

In those situations, I (and can't garantee that it's the best way, or that it will work with someone else) prefer to talk to each person a time, to feel what the reactions will be, how each person think and deals with it.

For example, I would begin talking with my brother, discuss everything with him, see what he really feels and it he knows what she feels. Perhaps stimulate him to bring up the situation to your sister. If he is afraid to do so, say that you would help. But, after talking to him and before talking to anyone else (your sister, your parents), discuss with the sister's daughter how would be the best way to solve it.

If she considered commiting suicide before, she could commit when everybody discovered the situation. Would never talk to anyone else before letting her know and agree.

And, perhaps, just talking to your brother and to her, everything could be solved, they could end up the relation, and no one else would need to know.

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I talked to my brother, I didn't let him know that I am aware of who the girl is?. I tell him..."It seems that you are in some kind of relationship with a girl. Buddy its not right time to make mistakes, the age you are in, is to correct past mistake. If there is anything like what I think, please end this, and don't let me handle this, you have created it and you need to end it." Also I didn't let him know that I have seen all messages exchanged(so that he dont feel shy facing me).So far his reaction is good, now he is not always on phone, I guess he realized that there was something wrong. – Amit Singh Jun 12 '13 at 11:09

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