How do I tell my parents I'm no longer Christian?

Question

Okay, I saw where someone else asked this question, but I had something else to add to it. I have been going to church my whole life and faithfully following the Christian religion for 18 or so years. I'm 20 years old, and I have been having doubts about my faith for about 2 years now. My parents are extremely conservative, very controlling, and strong practicing Christians. I recently came to the conclusion that I am a deist (I believe in a natural God who created everything but not in a God who allows people who don't believe in him to burn in hell). Anyways, my parents told me that I had to apply to be a leader at this Christian camp out in California, and I got the job. I don't want to go because I am not Christian. I only applied and went through the motions because I was basically forced. I don't want to go now, and I have no idea how to tell them. I have to buy my plane tickets relatively soon (within the next couple of weeks), so I need to do something quickly. I am also financially dependent on them for the most part (mostly my grandparents, but they have control over them). They think that I have to be exactly the way they want me to be instead of who I think is best for me to be. I'm stuck, and I need advice.

Thank you!

Answer 1

I'm not sure you do have to tell them, at least not now.

What seems to be the urgent issue is this job. If you really think you can't stand doing it for a little while (I assume it's temporary?), which may look good on your CV (resumé), then you have to break it to them seriously but gently. I would suggest avoiding the theological issue if possible. These debates quickly get messy, especially when family are involved. You can let them discover that naturally, much later.

I suggest you phrase it something like, "I've been giving this job some serious thought and I really think it isn't right for me.". Try to avoid accusing them of pushing/bullying you into it and understand that they probably had your best interests at heart. I think they will be much more likely to accept this if you:

• Give some sensible, concrete reasons why the job is not right for you (besides your theological objection).
• Give a serious plan of what you are going to do instead.

Both of these will show that you've given it the serious thought you claimed and that you're not going to spend years bumming around at home.

You're an adult now, so as well as making your own decisions, you need to begin to manage your parents, humouring them or avoiding certain topics in order to keep everyone happy.

Ultimately you have to use your own judgement, as none of us know your parents/grandparents and how they would react. Good luck.

Answer 2

This isn't really a parenting question, but it's close enough and you could use some advice.

You are stuck, however the reason is not ideological, but financial. Your main concern seems to be that your family will withdraw financial support, so that's what you need to tackle. Work to become financially independent by getting a job which is not dependent on religion or family connections, and get your own place to live. Once you are independent you then have your freedom. If you truly want to be able to live your own life you have to be willing to be written out of the will.

As for how to tell them, there's no easy way. You just tell them, and let the chips fall where they may. If it were me I'd simply say that you don't believe that their path is yours and that you intend to make your own decisions on what your beliefs are, and then live your life. If they refuse to be part of it then that's their decision, not yours. Christianity is about acceptance (at least that's one of the things I took from my own Christian upbringing, although like you I'm no longer a believer), and if they cannot accept you as you are then they aren't true Christians. One thing I wouldn't do is argue the finer points about your own beliefs, don't even tell them what they are - it's your business not theirs! This is about choice, not beliefs.

Lastly, don't let them come between you and your grandparents. Go see them yourself and explain your feelings in person. Tell them if they want to cut you off that is their choice but you will still see them. Keep your relationship going even if your parents try to interfere.

Answer 3

Let's be clear: ideological freedom is a basic human right, and your right to believe something is not affected by whether you are financially dependent on another person. The support your parents provide is a gift that they can withdraw at any time for any reason.

If your parents are providing you support because they believe you believe something you don't, you're lying to them in order to take their money. I understand that you may feel like you need the money (and perhaps you do), but you are still lying to people you love for financial gain, and I just don't think you'll feel good about that if you keep it up.

Have you considered simply telling your parents that you are having a lot of doubts? You don't have to come right out and say, "Mom, Dad, I'm a Deist", but you could say, "Mom, Dad, I'm worried that I'm not the right person for this counseling position because I'm struggling with my faith right now." See how they react to the idea that you might not believe in hell anymore. There are actually Christians that don't believe in Hell, Carlton Pearson comes to mind. Maybe your parents will be more understanding than you think.

If they aren't, and if it becomes clear that you are going to be expected to pay lip service to the god of hell if you want to retain their financial support, then you need to come up with an escape plan. That escape plan might involve taking this job and remaining in the closet as a non-believer for a couple of years, which will make you feel angry and resentful towards them and towards yourself. Try not to. You can't make yourself believe something you don't, and your parents want what is best for you. If they are trying to get you to believe in hell by pressuring you financially, it's because they don't want you suffer for all eternity.

So: start with the idea that you are "struggling" with your faith, and if it becomes clear that you aren't going to have success with that, figure out how you're going to live on your own.

Answer 4

I understand you identify as a deist and not an atheist, but your family dilemma is essentially the same as that faced by young atheists, and there are many online resources addressing their problems.

One I particularly recommend is Richard Wade's "Ask Richard" column over at Friendly Atheist: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/category/richard-wade/ .

Read through the columns for cases that are similar to yours; and perhaps even ask Richard yourself.