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I can't convey to my mother that I've grown up already.

Is it possible to explain this?

I think that my mom has trouble leaving me on my own, because she can't live with thought: "my child has become older now, and I not need to spend so much time with him."

Maybe I need to make a decision or something?

Thanks for the advice!

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Hi loldop and welcome to the site! To best help, we probably need a little more detail. How old are you? What responsibilities have you taken on around the home? In what ways is your mom not letting you "grow up?" OR in what way do you see yourself as grown up that your mom doesn't seem to see? –  balanced mama Jan 26 '13 at 20:13
    
I am 22 years old and now i live in student hostel by my own money. I work now. I think, that she tried to provide her "site" on every thing. And call me every day. I can't see, that she have any bit of trust to me and she call me by phone every day. –  gaussblurinc Jan 26 '13 at 23:09
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Well in that case I'd say that you should just politely tell her how often you can reasonably talk (once or twice per week?) and then, Do you have caller I.D.? Sometimes answer and have a conversation with her, sometimes answer and gently remind her you have friends/job/studies/laundry whatever and say, "Can't talk right now Mom," other times don't answer and don't call back for another night or two. –  balanced mama Jan 27 '13 at 0:37
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I think the only way to be older is to wait. –  DA01 Jan 27 '13 at 6:36
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@loldop I've made some edits to your post in the hopes of clarifying what you are looking for. If you feel I got it wrong, please feel free to improve it further, or even roll it back to the previous version (you can do so by clicking on the link that indicates how long ago I edited it). –  Beofett Jan 28 '13 at 15:12

5 Answers 5

I have/had the same problem.

I'm 21 but, my mom also isn't tolerating most of my decisions.

My solution to all kinds of getting support in my decision is to do what I have to do and let happen what has to happen :). Usually people don't treat you as a serious person until you do not have some background that proves your decisions to be correct. With parents it's harder because they are used to you being a child.

So short version of my strategy: think well, and do what you feel is right. Don't quarrel with people that may help you (like parents), just try to make them understand that this is really important to you. And after a time they will see that you're doing well, maybe better than themselves, and will treat you as an adult.

This is life, it's not easy ;)

P.S. Maybe getting married can help, but I won't be able to tell you in near half of the year, and your problem shouldn't be a reason for marriage 100%.

Have a nice day

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+1 for "Usually people don't treat you as a serious person until you do not have some background that proves your decisions to be correct. With parents it's harder because they are used to you being a child". Absolutely. –  balanced mama Jan 27 '13 at 22:01

I can relate to this. But first off, be thankful that you have caring parents. Not everybody does.

Let's understand this from the perspective of the parent - they want their child to be happy, secure, and in general do well in life, (that means different things in different cultures but you get the gist).

You will need to start talking to the adult in your parent, and by that word I mean the way it is used in transactional analysis, which is an approach to psychology, here is the wikipedia page for that.

Reflect and identify the Parent, Child and Adult states within yourself and your parent and then decide how to handle the situation. You will find it easy to put your foot down with your parent without feeling guilty and so will the parent.

I also recommend reading I'm OK, You're OK, that will help you understand these concepts. It explains transactional analysis in layman terms.

I'm OK, You're OK

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Culturally, parents want the best for their offspring- they care for you through your formative years and will become very attached. Many parents find watching each of the steps towards adulthood that their kids take gives a sense of loss, as in the end the relationship will no longer be carer and cared-for, and may eventually reverse.

Is your mother supporting you financially? If so she will still be acting the carer role. Often people have to prove their independence or capabilities one step at a time. This helps the parent feel less guilty about stopping caring for their offspring.

I would suggest in addition to an honest conversation with your mother about both your and her expectations, you need to start proving to her that she doesn't need to have such a role in future.

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Simple: communicate.

"Mother. I'm 44 now. I got this. You don't have to wipe my bum any more."

While the wipe part may seem ancillary, it's humor that's pretty much required for no reason other than to take the edge off of the general sentiment.

Now . . . It's really easy to tell yourself that you're going to say these things in context. It's a whole other thing to actually do it. But if you say it enough, you'll both start to believe it.

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You have to talk to her and explain what you feel. I agree with the earlier comment, that communication is the key for you to be able to explain your side. Your mom wouldn't know that she is doing too much, if you would'nt tell her. This can be a difficult transition for her, to know that her baby is already independent and may not need her anymore. You may also give her at least a day, or weekend, where you can go out and have a bonding time.

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