My six year old is afraid of the shower. How do I help her transition?

Question

While I am happy to let my six year old continue to have baths most of the time, there are times when she needs to take the quicker shower.

She has never been thrilled about water - even though we did those infant swim classes. It took a long time to get her willing to blow bubbles and it is just a fear she seems to innately have (and has always had).

The spraying of the shower head freaks her out and she doesn't even like to use the shower head sprayer when she is holding it. She is willing if I do it for her (she's a pretty decent kid and relatively compliant even about this), but she is fearful and the whole thing is torture for her.

She has warmed up to the idea of the water enough to be okay splashing in it, blowing bubbles (partial face submersion) and even floating around in a pool (as long as she's got an inner tube or me or her dad) to hang onto. She can doggie paddle to the edge if she needs to and enjoys splashing in it - she just won't get her face wet.

We will be staying in a cabin leading up to Christmas where baths are pretty tough and then she has an aunt getting married just after Christmas and we will be in a hotel for half a week and super busy (and wanting her to shower - because it is a lot quicker). How do I help her get through this fear?

While I am concerned about the pool too, she is functional in the pool. It is the shower thing that I'd really like to focus on for now and the pool thing in the coming summer months.

Answer 1

1. Ask her what she is afraid of, and then listen. Many kids are afraid of drowning, getting burned, being cold, not being able to see when the water is streaming at their eyes, not being able to hear if water is in their ears, the feeling of water in or on their nose or ears. Sometime it's the temperature and sometimes, it's the pressure. It may be something you hadn't thought of-- so ask. If she has trouble articulating, ask her how she feels about water on her head, eyes, nose, ears, cheeks, mouth, neck, body.

2. Validate her concern-- eg it would be scary to not be able to see! It is important to understand why she is scared-- and let her know that you understand. Then you may have to think creatively about how to address her concern, eg she may prefer to have goggles in the shower so that she can see, until she gets used to closing her eyes against the stream of water.

3. Show her how you do it. Get your bathing suits on and take a shower so she can see how you cope fearlessly with the shower. How you set the pressure and temperature where you like them, and how you enjoy the whole process. Invite her to join you if she likes.

4. Empower her to get control. Have her set the water pressure as low as she likes. Have her set the temperature so that it is comfortable. Let her adjust the temperature and pressure and be comfortable turning it to a trickle. Teach her to close her eyes against the streaming water. Teach her how to make sure that when she breathes, she will get a nose full of air, not water.

5. Give her a sponge or a wash cloth that she likes, so that she can wash herself.

6. Six year olds tend to need spot cleaning more than full body showers; most kids don't really make body odors at that age. It's better to compromise than to ruin the trip for both of you!

Answer 2

I'll write more later, but...

Could you, for now, stand her in the shower and use a jug/pitcher to pour water over her? (I see her getting cold as a possible problem, though.)

Ask for a hotel room with a tub since you're running out of time?

Does she play with dolls? Or do you have a dog? Could she give her dolls/dog a shower at first to get used to the spray? When it's less focused on her she may not freak out so much.

For the more general water piece: I swam competitively as a kid and take kids on swimming field trips a lot. Picture me with 25 kids, most of whom have never been swimming before and are also terrified of the water!

Sometimes the group effect can be helpful. Could you take her swimming with her cousins and explain beforehand that you are willing to hold on to her in the water the. entire. time.? Often they have so much fun splashing each other they forget to be afraid. When in the water, I hold them tightly so they feel safe and that helps. And they know they can always grab on to me at any time, any place they can reach (often around my neck!) when they get scared. I then move them around so they're on my hip or hanging off my shoulder instead!

In general, this is a time to cash in on some of that trust you've been storing up :) Tell her repeatedly, "I keep you safe. When you say stop, we stop. But I also know how much you like learning new things and how proud you will be."

Obviously it's best to find a pool she can stand in comfortably. The hotel pool might be good for this, but be ware of other kids who won't understand her fear. (hotel pools are smaller and its harder to keep your own space)

Teaching her how to float while in the water can be very helpful so they feel more in control in the water and less at the water's mercy. Begin by being in the pool with her (if she'll let you I guess) and then hold her upper body tightly and let her watch her legs float to the surface. Over time hold her less and less tightly until she can float on her back with your hand under the small of her back. This is one that has worked well for me. Typically encouraging them to make a "sea star" shape helps them float better than a "soldier/pencil" shape.

Do you have access to any babies? From your other posts I know she likes helping other kids, maybe you guys could take the baby swimming and she could help "teach" the baby how to swim and play in the water? Focusing on the baby may help her forget her own fears?

I taught my college roommate how to swim because she had always been afraid, and as a teen I taught the little kids to dive because they were afraid of our swim coach :)

More ideas: let her wear swim goggles in the shower. It helps stop the shampoo getting in her eyes too. My little sister loved swimming and taking showers but she always insisted on wearing goggles in the beginning.

She may like swimming more now than as infant since you can talk her through it now. Could she lay on her tummy in the bath and blow bubbles? Could she wear a snorkel in the bath just to practice putting her face in? Then you could try it at the pool? The bath is nice because there are no other kids around.

I'm only pushing the pool stuff because I think being able to swim is a life skill. I don't think she needs to love it or do it regularly, but a basic competency in the water could be, literally , a lifesaver some day. :/