How can I deal with my unreasonable 8 year old with ADHD?

Question

I have two kids, 8 and 5 years old. My first boy has ADHD he is on medicine, but the medicine will stop working after 4pm, or some times works good or some times so-so.

The problem I have with him is that he argues with me a lot. If I ask him for help, he will raise his voice and said why? why I do not ask his brother for help. If I say dinner is ready, he will say, I am not hungry, what's for dinner, I don't like it, why you always cook so bad? If I say it's time for bed....

He has an excuse for everything, he doesn't want to clean his room, today he expend 3 hours cleaning. His punishment are no playing computer, xbox, no tv, or just stay inside in his bedroom. He is not allow to yell, kick or slam the door, but he will do it, because he said he is angry and it is our fault because we punish him.

I also feel that we love his little brother more that him, because we don't punish him. My 5 years boy is so different, if he drip water on the floor on the table, he will say sorry mama I will clean it right now. My 8 years boy, won't notice it, he won't apologize, if I tell my 5 years clean your bedroom, he will say okey mama.

It is so hard for me, I am just getting crazy with my boy, I do not know what to do. I try a calendar of behavior and put color green, yellow and red, but he will so upset when he get yellow or red. We were in therapy 3 years before we put him on medicine. I feel very disappointed of myself, I don't know what to do. I start yelling now, and I don't want to lose my temper. Any help?

Answer 1

I have an 8yr old boy without ADHD and still get some of that.

First off, understand. Make sure you fully comprehend how your child sees you and your actions, and how he feels towards you and your actions. Put yourself in his shoes. Be him. You can't really make him understand you unless you first understand him and make sure he knows that you really do understand. Don't sympathize! Empathize. Sympathy is a form of agreement. Empathy is a form of understanding. That requires a quiet time where you can both sit and talk freely, uninterrupted, for an extended time. Actually, I like going for a walk and talking like that because then there's no awkwardness whenever the conversation stops for a bit.

Only then can you try to make him understand.

• Let him know what you expect and that these expectations are completely independent of anyone else's behavior (especially his brother). Make sure that he understands that all consequences will be a result of his actions. If he doesn't like a consequence, well, that's his problem. It's a direct result of actions he chose (or failed to choose otherwise). "If you pick up one end of the stick, you pick up the other."
• Let him know exactly what the consequences will be, good and bad, to how he behaves.
• Be consistent every time and in every situation. If you decide that a consequence is wrong, don't relent but wait for some quiet time and then explain that you're changing the consequence and why. Make sure he knows in advance. Change based on your choices, not his resistance.
• Give love unconditionally. Never, ever, under any circumstances, withdraw your affection. That must be the rock on which he can build his understanding of you.

It will be hard. It's hard with a non-ADHD child. But it will be worth it.

Answer 2

This sounds exactly like my house, down to the 8 and 5 year olds. Only I have girls.

Unfortunately, I don't really have any answers for you, only sympathy and letting you know that you're not alone.

First, keep in contact with your doctor about the medication. If what your son is taking isn't working well enough, then it needs adjusted. You may need to increase the dose, take multiple smaller doses through the day, or switch to a different medication.

I'm not sure where you're at, but there may be resources in your community that you can take advantage of that are designed to help your family out, like wraparound services. Again, your doctor should be aware of these programs. With an ADHD diagnosis, your son may also qualify for government health care programs.

With the wild variance in the effectiveness of his medication, I'd be doubly sure that he's taking it at the same time every day and really taking it.

Also, make sure that you're getting some time for yourself to unwind and relieve stress. If you spend all day every day feeling like you're at your wit's end and one simple request away from a 45-minute tantrum, you're not going to be as effective a parent as you'd like to be.

Answer 3

I think there's a lot going on here. I can certainly understand the frustration.

I think your son isn't feeling a sense of belonging, as you've already been able to articulate. To me it sounds like you are caught in a power struggle, and he is fighting for his dignity (you've already labeled him "unreasonable"). The question is, how will you be able to develop his sense of belonging so that he feels safe, loved, and wanted? At the same time, are you developing his sense of significance so that he feels capable, appreciated and noticed?

Thing like "Thank you for . It really helped me." "I noticed you worked hard on _." "I know you can __. I have faith in you."

I don't like the Love and Logic model because while I would agree with "Love" (connection, belonging, relationship), consequences (natural or otherwise) don't actually teach anything except that when you are bigger, you are the boss. I would rather teach my child how to be a contributing, valued member of group (in this case family, but soon it will be the larger world).

For success in the long run, I would recommend Positive Discipline. There are practical tools in there to help your child develop his sense of belonging and significance so that he can participate. In my experience, children do better when they feel better. (This does not mean rewards, or bribes, but real connection). And, when children can do better, they do. In fact, there is a lot of research that clearly demonstrates that things like sticker charts actually decrease a child's interest and performance in an activity.

Your 5 year old's compliance at that young age can be fairly typical, but soon he too will start growing out of it. By the time they are teenagers, and certainly adults, you can't make them do anything. Do you want your children to clean their rooms because you told them to, or because it is a skill they have developed as part of their self-care routine? Similarly, should they clean up after themselves because you told them to, or because that has become part of their value set as a member of a healthy, cooperative group (family)? In my experience, kids that come from families where they're used to being told what to do all the time, have no clue what to do when their parents are gone! They haven't learned to think for themselves. I really really recommend taking a breather and reading Positive Discipline or looking up local parenting classes in your area. Your family can become cooperative, respectful and peaceful!

For what this all actually looks like in a family, check out these blogs:

CanWeHugItOut
ParentingFromScratch
SingleDadBrad

Answer 4

To let you know where I am coming from, know I taught in a school especially designed for kids with learning disorders where at least half of my students were severe ADHD cases for three years (and regular classrooms for an additional seven). One class was always severe ADHD only. I also have my own daughter and we are looking into getting her evaluated for ADHD, as she does express MANY of the symptoms.

First, I want to express that I know this is hard but as parents there are certain times when taking a deep breath and taking a little time off isn't a luxury but a requirement. Get some time away from it all to decompress a little.

Secondly, I would like to stress Brian White's point that making sure you listen and understand how he is feeling regularly is super important. Make time to have low-pressure conversation where he can express his feelings without judgement. It is important that he have opportunities to simply be heard. This will help build his feelings of trust toward you and help him become more self-aware. In fact, it is the best way to address your son's concern that you love the other son more. Listen, listen listen. Knowing you are listening will help build his confidence and sense of self worth as well as his ability to listen to you in exchange.

Some ADHD kids want to be in control and do whatever they can to be in control - even if it means being in trouble all the time. They'd prefer (on a sub-concious level) knowing they effected your emotions than to give in to being controlled. Giving him the opportunity to express appropriate control over some aspects of his life will start when you decide on some priorities related to exactly what you want out of his chores.

For example, is setting the table about getting it set or is it about teaching him to pitch in? If it is about teaching him to pitch in, try offering some options. Would he like to set the table or fold the laundry while you prepare dinner? Maybe he'd like to help with dinner by learning to measure out ingredients, or wash pots and pans so you can set the table. Make sure when you give options that both options work for you though. The second option should never be a threat. When it is time for room cleaning, you might try something like, "I need you to pick up all this clutter in here and put it away and bring me your dirty laundry. You can choose which you do first" picking up the laundry, or picking up the clutter.

My final suggestion is a little different and will sound crazy at first but please read on because it isn't what it sounds: Stop punishing him. I do not mean to just let him get away with it, instead what I mean is, make connections between his behavior and a natural consequence. For example, if he were simply a guest at your house and had bad manners when he came over to eat, you'd probably not invite him back. To apply this reality to your own family dinner table (where he needs to be invited back), if he is using bad manners (which includes complaining). At the first complaint simply remove his food and say, "oh, I'm so sorry you don't like it. Let me get it away from you." Don't offer him anything else either though. He can go to bed hungry or figure out how to reheat his dinner on his own later. It sounds mean, but he won't starve and he'll get the point.

When he doesn't set the table or help with dinner, simply don't serve him food. Say, "Oh, you wanted to eat too? - well since you didn't do your part in our family community today, I thought you were saying you didn't want participate in family activity" No warnings, just do it. He'll whine, say it isn't fair and make all sorts of a fuss, but calmly say over and over again that everyone has their job to do in order for it to work for everyone to enjoy dinner together. Again, he won't starve if he misses dinner now and again and he is learning an important lesson - He may be a prince (mine is certainly a princess), but even a prince has his responsibilities.

Same goes for other chores. The "punishment must fit the crime." If you've asked him to dust the family room and he didn't do it (so you did, cuz you didn't want to nag or wait any longer), he doesn't get to use the family room. "Sorry, I know. I agree that it is really sad and we will miss you during our family movie viewing. You should be with us, but only people that help keep it clean, help to make it a mess again". Don't be sarcastic or biting at all, be genuine but make it clear that the rule still applies, "Maybe next time you'll have done your share and we'll be so glad you are back" You get the idea.

If it takes him three hours to clean his room. So be it. If taking so long means he can't go on an outing with you, be sad about it, "Wow, what a bummer you'll miss out. We really want you to come. I'm so sad you didn't get your room cleaned". It sounds like you are already applying a "first things first" approach to this, but instead of it being a "punishment" that he doesn't get xbox, tv . . . simply make it a, "you can play when" kind of a statement along with your empathy. "I know this is really hard for you. I'm feeling (insert emotion, sad, disappointed, frustrated. . . ) about it too. You can play video games when you show me you can also clean up after yourself."

These kinds of natural consequences can apply to A LOT if you let them. The main things are that you always stay calm and sympathetic, make time to listen, paraphrase and empathize, never threaten and do not give warnings. Simply let the consequences fall where they may and although you listen, don't negotiate (maybe with an occasional nudge here and there to the consequences). The reason for no warnings is that it sets it up to come across as a threat and/or punishment. It is also really easy (I'm guilty too) of suggesting the consequence and then not following through.

For more information read, "Parenting with Love and Logic", "How to listen so they'll talk and talk so they'll listen" and "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families" You might also check out the Mecham Family and see if you can sign up for a workshop about control and consequence at www.schoolathomeeffectivley.com.

Answer 5

Helpguide.org listed a detailed information on how you can deal with your child having ADHD. The behavioral problems that you mentioned are the manifestations of having ADHD. Actually, ADHD children, if properly trained can be organized and obedient, but the problem is, they don't know how to do it. Thus, as a parent, you really need to have lots of patience, understanding and training on how you can turn and channel their slew behavior into positive ones. You have to look things into proper perspective and accept the fact that your child is having a disorder. His problem behavior is not actually intentional but it is driven by ADHD. You have to hold on to your temper and your sense of humor so you can manage to deal with the situation. Don't be too overly concerned with one task undone, be happy if your child is able to do at least two task in a day. Don't set too much high expectations with ADHD children. You also need to trust and believe to your child, that through patience and reinforcement, he can learn the behavior in time, not just fast as other kids do. -

Answer 6

ADHD is a crock of shit, he is just a boy being a boy and the reason for him being negative towards you might be because "I also feel that we love his little brother more that him".

If that is how you feel he will pick up on in and i can only imagine how it makes him feel. You need to make him feel that you love him and his brother equally.