Toddler has a strong preference for one parent

Question

Our almost 2 year old toddler has developed a strong preference for me. In mild doses, this was acceptable but it is getting pretty out of hand. She cries when my husband, her father, tries to hug her, kiss her, put her to bed, etc. He literally has to bribe her to spend time with her - bribing with TV, or going to look at flowers, etc. But if he just wants a hug from her - she cries and runs towards me.

This behaviour is causing problems both of us: for me, it's just tiring. And for my thick-skin husband - well, he is still human and craves his daughter's love.

Now, there are some things she will go to him for. For example, usually, my husband is the one who replaces all the batteries in the toys, turns the TV on, etc. So if she needs something done - i.e. a toy is broken because the batteries are dead, she'll readily say "Dada fix" and take the toy to him for fixing. If he insists that she hug him before he fixes, she'll just drop the toy and move onto something else.

My husband and I both work full-time; however, I work from home (we have a separate caregiver) so she does see me more. On a day-to-day basis I probably spend an hour more with her than my husband (no commuting :)). I spend time with her by drawing, reading books, singing nursery rhymes, swimming, etc. My husband spends time by taking her gardening with him, playing in the sandbox, building blocks, going on walks, watching TV, etc. My husband and I alternate waking up in the morning for the kids (and feeding them breakfast), as well as cooking dinner (which our daughter "helps" us with).

Suffice to say, I don't think it is the issue of how much time we spend with the kids - I think we are fairly equal in quality and quantity of activities.

Did other parents have this issue? How did you resolve it? Is it something they grow out of?

Answer 1

In my experience it all ebbs and flows.

My son exhibited some of the same behavior, though not the same degree, culminating around 2 years old. He is about to turn 4 and things have come full circle. He started coming to me for comfort around 2 and a half and sometimes even preferred my comfort when my wife was pregnant with our second child. Since the birth 4 months ago our son has migrated back to needing more mommy time but it's not as bad as it once was and is clearly in reaction to the baby.

The best advice I can give is what I consider to be the gospel of parenting; this too shall pass. Be patient. Be persistent. Don't push her away and don't chide her for not giving daddy his due attention. Something like "it makes daddy sad when you don't want to play with him" is as far as I would go. Even that is more for daddy than it is for your daughter. Two is a tough age because their grasp on language is very deceptive. While they understand things you expect them not to they also have a very hard time with seemingly simple concepts. Subtly and nuance are completely lost on them.

We just kept trying and kept trying and eventually .....

While on a flight to Austin he was on his mom's lap, cranky and wanting sleep. He reached for me and in stunned silence I took him on my chest. He promptly fell asleep and I can't tell you how over joyed I was. It was by no means the first time I had comforted him to sleep but all previous events had been when mom was not around. It was, however, the first time that he chose me for comfort over mom.

Answer 2

Great answer from Thomas Paine. My four kids all did this when they were small; the youngest, now four years old, still prefers her mother. shrug Their personalities are in constant flux at that age, and they will eventually come around. But I agree, waiting for it can be discouraging.