I'm not sure if I have an answer per se, but I do have a point of view based on my own experiences.
When I was a pre-teen, my mother remarried to a man who had a temper problem (no physical violence) and felt the need to control every situation. One day I was having an animated conversation with my mother. My stepfather walked in to the room at the end of the conversation and heard something I had said facetiously. He barked at me, "Your attitude is bullshit!" So I barked it back, "well, you're not my father!"
The "you attitude" comment is not what precipitated this episode. What precipitated it was the constant tension caused in the household by this man. He was judgmental, off-standish, verbally abusive to a degree, and very controlling and dismissive of other people's points of view. The "you're not my father" comment wasn't the war; it was the nuke to end the war and emerge the victor.
So, my point of view is this. Maybe this is idealistic fantasy, but if my step-father had had a better relationship with us, was more in control of his emotions, and in general just a better person, this episode would never had happened.
I hope I'm right about this. I'm a new step father myself. I have a great relationship with my 2 step-sons. Whenever I'm faced with a difficult situation I think back to my own experiences as a child. I try to learn from everything my own step father did wrong in figuring out how to be a better step-dad myself.