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So the situation is that I'm not the real father of my son. I call him my son since I love him very much, but he is my girlfriends son from her previous relationship.

I'm afraid though... He does listen to me.. for now. But I'm afraid that when the time comes, and he will be a teenager who rebel against everything, he will pop this line.

I do thing that i have a good relationship with him. He does love me too very much I can tell so much, but you know... Children are children, he will change his mind the first thing i forbid him to smoke a cigar or whatever.

So how should i handle this? This IS an ultimate defense.. And a hurtful one too...

Thanks!

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10 Answers

up vote 25 down vote accepted

I was brought up by a stepdad, and yes, "You are not my real dad" is an "ultimate defense" used to hurt, and only to hurt, when you feel wronged, and you feel you have no more arguments left to why you should not be allowed to do something/forced to do something. It's the equivalent of saying "You are stupid". He will not change his mind about how he feels for you, or maybe he will, and that's okay.

Don't be hurt by his words. Admit that he is correct in that "you aren't his real dad". Reaffirm that not being his biological father is not important to you because you still care about him. You are forbidding him to [smoke, drink, whatever] because you care.

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So you are saying that i should just ignore that sentence and say i know, but then just carry on? – Hannibal Apr 4 '11 at 12:09
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@Hannibal: No, I'm saying what I said above. You should say that you know, and he is right, you aren't his real dad, but that it doesn't matter to you, and that you are forbidding him to [smoke, drink, whatever] because you care. – Lennart Regebro Apr 4 '11 at 12:22
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I know. I read it. I'm just asking if you think that it is enough to just ditch the question so to speak. He will understand and obey never the less? – Hannibal Apr 4 '11 at 13:23
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@Hannibal No one can guarantee a future hypothetical teenager will obey. But I think Lennart's point is that if he disobeys, it'll have nothing to do with you not being the source of his DNA, and everything to do with his upbringing and the fact that all teenagers are rebellious. – HedgeMage Apr 4 '11 at 14:16
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@Hannibal: No don't "ditch the question". That may make him think that it's an issue, which it is not. Point out that even though you aren't his real dad, it doesn't matter to you, you still care about him. Therefore: admit that he is correct in that you aren't his real dad, but that it doesn't matter to you, and that you are forbidding him to [smoke, drink, whatever] because you care about him even though you aren't his real dad. – Lennart Regebro Apr 4 '11 at 18:06
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up vote -5 down vote

There is a reason why God put you with us and not your old dad. Be grateful.

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This does not answer the question, Bill. Did you mean, this is what the asker should say to his stepson? How is that going to help? Not clear. – Torben Gundtofte-Bruun♦ May 16 '11 at 5:37
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I'm guessing you intended this as the response that should be given to "you're not my father"? If so, you are assuming an awful lot about the situation. What if the boy still has a good relationship with his biological father? What if the biological father passed away? That response would be way out of line in either situation. – Beofett♦ May 16 '11 at 15:25
Ignoring the above concerns, stooping to the boy's level is a poor choice, as the adults in the conversation we really should do better than that. – cabbey♦ May 16 '11 at 17:13
I recommend AGAINST taking this advice. It is likely just to raise tensions and keep the fight going and escalating. – balanced mama Nov 8 '12 at 2:17
up vote 2 down vote

I'm not sure if I have an answer per se, but I do have a point of view based on my own experiences.

When I was a pre-teen, my mother remarried to a man who had a temper problem (no physical violence) and felt the need to control every situation. One day I was having an animated conversation with my mother. My stepfather walked in to the room at the end of the conversation and heard something I had said facetiously. He barked at me, "Your attitude is bullshit!" So I barked it back, "well, you're not my father!"

The "you attitude" comment is not what precipitated this episode. What precipitated it was the constant tension caused in the household by this man. He was judgmental, off-standish, verbally abusive to a degree, and very controlling and dismissive of other people's points of view. The "you're not my father" comment wasn't the war; it was the nuke to end the war and emerge the victor.

So, my point of view is this. Maybe this is idealistic fantasy, but if my step-father had had a better relationship with us, was more in control of his emotions, and in general just a better person, this episode would never had happened.

I hope I'm right about this. I'm a new step father myself. I have a great relationship with my 2 step-sons. Whenever I'm faced with a difficult situation I think back to my own experiences as a child. I try to learn from everything my own step father did wrong in figuring out how to be a better step-dad myself.

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up vote 1 down vote

One possibility is to stop calling him "son".

Obviously you love him and want him to think of you in that way, but he already has a father, and he's aware that you're not him. If he doesn't want to think of you in that way, it might be better to use his name, as if he were just a friend's child, and see how he reacts. He might prefer it, as it means you're treating him more like an adult and equal in his mother's life; or he might decide he prefers the father-son relationship and go back to calling you Dad.

Bottom line, accept his terms on how he wants your relationship to be. He may well be worried about being abandoned again, and have negative connotations about how much "Father" actually means.

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Do you seriously think that yelling "you are not my father" in the heat of a fight somehow represents the teenagers true wish about how their relationship should be? Do you also think that "you are worse than Hitler" represent a historical and societal analysis and comparison between the parent's and Hitler's leadership and the impact it has had on society? – Zano Apr 10 '11 at 10:27
Do you seriously think that a teenager's behaviour is in any way representative of their "true wishes" at any time? If he's saying it, it means he recognizes it on some level. Which means that if it's an issue at all, it needs addressing in a way that's not just "I'll MAKE him acknowledge me as his father" – deworde Jun 17 '11 at 12:33
I guess you completely missed the point of my comment. – Zano Jun 17 '11 at 18:18
up vote 4 down vote

Let him know that you love him very much and that you have rules for his betterment. Also, If you feel hurt by that statement you should tell him. It is important that people in general understand when they have hurt someone. If he knows how much you love him and realizes that he is hurting someone that loves him by saying that then he may start to think better of it. It is not a weakness to let children know that they have hurt you. It is also not a weakness for them to see you cry. Don't turn on the tears to make him feel guilty, but if makes you cry don't try and hide it to "play the man".

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up vote 0 down vote

I think when (if) he says it, you should not appear overly hurt by it, even if you are. And especially not angry. If he is saying it to hurt you, in a moment of anger (as all teenagers tend to have from time to time), knowing that it is a way to get to you could encourage them to do it more often.

It may not happen, I had a step dad and a step mum, I felt more rebellious towards the latter than the former. This was just to do with the interactions I had growing up.

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up vote 5 down vote

Tell him:
Father is not only a title, its a job. You may not be his biological father by title,
but you have the job of his being his father and you plan to do it as well as you can.

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-1 if I had more rep. I very strongly disagree with this response because IMO it simply takes what is obviously a very difficult situation and makes it more difficult by degrading it in to a simple power struggle. An arms race of mutually-assured destruction that nobody can ever win, and nobody can ever gain from in the long term. – John Dibling Apr 7 '11 at 14:01
Unfortunately, this is a very subjective topic. I am a biological father rather than a step-father and so I am obviously not the ideal candidate to give this kind of advice. Given that, I see your point, it is very well made, and has opened my eyes, thank you. – funkymushroom Apr 7 '11 at 15:11
It is subjective, but then again I cannot think of any parenting-related question that will not be subjective. There are no YES/NO questions when it comes to parenting in which the same answer applies to all. I do not blame you or condemn you for your opinion. In fact, I'm glad you posted this response because I'm sure many others feel the same way. I have a different opinion, equally as valid as yours, and simply wanted to bring another perspective. On the stackexchange platform, those opinions are expressed through votes and comments. Cheers, and best wishes. – John Dibling Apr 7 '11 at 15:18
up vote 5 down vote

I've never been in that situation but the first response that comes to my mind is to say

"Thats true, and I love you anyway. But you still can't ..."

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up vote 8 down vote

As someone who was adopted at four my advice is to ask why the child feels that way, does he feel you are treating him differently than any other child in your family? And then ask what exactly constitues being a "real father". Then I would explain the best you can that you are his real father, you are the one raising him, you took the legal and financial responsibilities, you are the one who is involved in every aspect of his life caring for him and protecting him.

You are his father, he needs to understand and respect that.

I don't recal ever saying this to my dad, but my brother used the line "you are not my real brother" on me when he was mad and it hurt a lot.

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I remember coming across an advice column in which the man writing in had given up his son for adoption as a baby several decades earlier, back when his life was messed up. The man had become wealthy later in life and wanted to do whatever he could to put right this part of his life. He asked very respectfully and I remember the advice was to offer help, just don't expect to be called Dad. Because "somebody else did that job". – hawbsl Apr 5 '11 at 21:35
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I fully agree with that. My biological father receently contacted me. He isn't my dad, I treat him just like I would treat anybody else. The person who raised me is my dad. – MasterZ Apr 5 '11 at 22:57
up vote 4 down vote

As Lennart says, he may say it just to hurt you, but whether it comes out or not, it has nothing to do with whether or not he'll obey you. If you were his biological father, he'd just find some other biting remark.

That said, by the time he's a teen, doing the right thing (mostly -- we all make mistakes) should be the result of his good judgement, not yours. If he can't make good decisions for himself by then (with your advice, but not just out of obedience to you) you've already failed as a parent.

Good parents teach their children to be progressively more independent and capable, not to simply do as they are told as teens the same way they must as young children.

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Yup, nothing to stop a biological child saying "I wish you weren't my father", which probably hurts just as much (if not more)... – Benjol May 16 '11 at 11:40

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