How should a stepfather respond to “You are not my Father!”?

Question

So the situation is that I'm not the real father of my son. I call him my son since I love him very much, but he is my girlfriends son from her previous relationship.

I'm afraid though... He does listen to me.. for now. But I'm afraid that when the time comes, and he will be a teenager who rebel against everything, he will pop this line.

I do thing that i have a good relationship with him. He does love me too very much I can tell so much, but you know... Children are children, he will change his mind the first thing i forbid him to smoke a cigar or whatever.

So how should i handle this? This IS an ultimate defense.. And a hurtful one too...

Thanks!

Answer 1

I was brought up by a stepdad, and yes, "You are not my real dad" is an "ultimate defense" used to hurt, and only to hurt, when you feel wronged, and you feel you have no more arguments left to why you should not be allowed to do something/forced to do something. It's the equivalent of saying "You are stupid". He will not change his mind about how he feels for you, or maybe he will, and that's okay.

Don't be hurt by his words. Admit that he is correct in that "you aren't his real dad". Reaffirm that not being his biological father is not important to you because you still care about him. You are forbidding him to [smoke, drink, whatever] because you care.

Answer 2

As someone who was adopted at four my advice is to ask why the child feels that way, does he feel you are treating him differently than any other child in your family? And then ask what exactly constitues being a "real father". Then I would explain the best you can that you are his real father, you are the one raising him, you took the legal and financial responsibilities, you are the one who is involved in every aspect of his life caring for him and protecting him.

You are his father, he needs to understand and respect that.

I don't recal ever saying this to my dad, but my brother used the line "you are not my real brother" on me when he was mad and it hurt a lot.

Answer 3

Tell him:
Father is not only a title, its a job. You may not be his biological father by title,
but you have the job of his being his father and you plan to do it as well as you can.

Answer 4

I've never been in that situation but the first response that comes to my mind is to say

"Thats true, and I love you anyway. But you still can't ..."

Answer 5

As Lennart says, he may say it just to hurt you, but whether it comes out or not, it has nothing to do with whether or not he'll obey you. If you were his biological father, he'd just find some other biting remark.

That said, by the time he's a teen, doing the right thing (mostly -- we all make mistakes) should be the result of his good judgement, not yours. If he can't make good decisions for himself by then (with your advice, but not just out of obedience to you) you've already failed as a parent.

Good parents teach their children to be progressively more independent and capable, not to simply do as they are told as teens the same way they must as young children.

Answer 6

Let him know that you love him very much and that you have rules for his betterment. Also, If you feel hurt by that statement you should tell him. It is important that people in general understand when they have hurt someone. If he knows how much you love him and realizes that he is hurting someone that loves him by saying that then he may start to think better of it. It is not a weakness to let children know that they have hurt you. It is also not a weakness for them to see you cry. Don't turn on the tears to make him feel guilty, but if makes you cry don't try and hide it to "play the man".

Answer 7

I used to live with my stepfather and my mom for many years and at one point I told my stepfather "you are not my real father" in response to him trying to discipline me. I think it was hard for him and he let my mother do the disciplining part. That didn't work either.

I think as a stepfather you are in a very disadvantaged position, especially if the father is a figure that the child can admire or like.

I hadn't seen my father for more that 34 years and when I finally met him it felt like for 30 minutes I got out of him more than I got from my stepfather for 30 years. We just have immediate connection that seems to have always been there.

So I think you should acknowledge in your heart this possibility and try to build an emotional connection with the child by being available, open minded, accepting and loving. You can never replace the birth father as he is a huge part of the identity of the child, even when the father is absent. And you cannot reinforce this identity and have this type of connection. You can only ensure your child has a voice in your home and is able to develop without being judged and rejected.

So if I were you, I would say "Thank you! I am glad we can talk about that. Let's acknowledge that. I am not your birth father and I respect your father's place in your heart. I am not trying to replace your father. I am just concerned about your well-being because I love you. And I think that's something your father would want me to do." That would have worked for me though I know it's very hard for a stepfather to say.

Answer 8

I'm not sure if I have an answer per se, but I do have a point of view based on my own experiences.

When I was a pre-teen, my mother remarried to a man who had a temper problem (no physical violence) and felt the need to control every situation. One day I was having an animated conversation with my mother. My stepfather walked in to the room at the end of the conversation and heard something I had said facetiously. He barked at me, "Your attitude is bullshit!" So I barked it back, "well, you're not my father!"

The "you attitude" comment is not what precipitated this episode. What precipitated it was the constant tension caused in the household by this man. He was judgmental, off-standish, verbally abusive to a degree, and very controlling and dismissive of other people's points of view. The "you're not my father" comment wasn't the war; it was the nuke to end the war and emerge the victor.

So, my point of view is this. Maybe this is idealistic fantasy, but if my step-father had had a better relationship with us, was more in control of his emotions, and in general just a better person, this episode would never had happened.

I hope I'm right about this. I'm a new step father myself. I have a great relationship with my 2 step-sons. Whenever I'm faced with a difficult situation I think back to my own experiences as a child. I try to learn from everything my own step father did wrong in figuring out how to be a better step-dad myself.

Answer 9

I think when (if) he says it, you should not appear overly hurt by it, even if you are. And especially not angry. If he is saying it to hurt you, in a moment of anger (as all teenagers tend to have from time to time), knowing that it is a way to get to you could encourage them to do it more often.

It may not happen, I had a step dad and a step mum, I felt more rebellious towards the latter than the former. This was just to do with the interactions I had growing up.

Answer 10

One possibility is to stop calling him "son".

Obviously you love him and want him to think of you in that way, but he already has a father, and he's aware that you're not him. If he doesn't want to think of you in that way, it might be better to use his name, as if he were just a friend's child, and see how he reacts. He might prefer it, as it means you're treating him more like an adult and equal in his mother's life; or he might decide he prefers the father-son relationship and go back to calling you Dad.

Bottom line, accept his terms on how he wants your relationship to be. He may well be worried about being abandoned again, and have negative connotations about how much "Father" actually means.

Answer 11

There is a reason why God put you with us and not your old dad. Be grateful.