My experience as a parent of three children, ranging from 12 - 19 years old, is that all children are different in how they react to boundaries being set, and the more familiar they are with the adult setting the limits, the more freely they will express their particular style of objection.
I've also had the situation of trying to introduce a new man into my children's lives (their father died when they were little) and forming a relationship with his daughter.
At one point or another each of my children have told me they hated me (when young and being told they couldn't do/have something they wanted). I've never taken it to heart and my response would be something like, well I love you, or that's a shame and leave it at that for the time being. If their behaviour has been explosive or over the top in an attempt to get their own way, I firmly stand my ground; but it is later when things are calm, that I will sit down with them and discuss their reactions.
I generally tell them, that it's ok for them to feel, however they feel, in fact, it can be quite natural. However, I do point out clearly that it's not ok to launch into tirades, insults or abuse because they are not happy with the limits I've set. It's an ongoing process, as many adults have difficulty with behaviour, teenagers are on a steep learning curve. The increasing desire to be independent and "grown up", mixed with the conflict of still needing the nurturing and protection of a parent. Add to this all the hormone changes and it's amazing human beings manage to mature at all.
The key with parenting and the teenage years is this:
Build a solid relationship in those formative years, this is the most helpful thing you can have when the teenage years arrive.
Spend time when things are calm, using examples in their lives, as they present, to illustrate points of discipline to try and elucidate that setting limits, as a parent, is not about punishing the child, but actually caring for them. I go to great lengths to impress that, as children, they really don't know as much as they think they do, in fact their teachers and elders DO indeed know more and have been children before; regardless of the generation gaps. I use every available example of when I've set a boundary and there's been a natural consequence to use it as an illustration.
The car is one of the best places to have discussions. They are forced to listen :)
I usually become friends with some of my children's friends' parents. I have found this to be a valuable resource in realising that what is going on is the norm. If I see someone I like, who I think is a good parent, and the child is misbehaving or saying hurtful things, it's reassuring, that it's not necessarily personal. That it's a stage.
The will be an apex of maximum rebellion. This varies between individuals, though I tend to observe 14 years is a time of increasing confidence and cockiness. That's when the big guns are pulled out, to push at the boundaries. So whether you are a step parent, an adopted parent, a birth parent, some teenagers (not all) will say hurtful things. If you believe you are being reasonable, and you can validate this with feedback from peers and family discussion in calm time; view the rebellion as an indication that you are being a responsible and good parent.
I tell my children and my close friend's children ..
You don't have to like your parents, you can even hate them, but you have to respect them.
- The other thing I express is this... when I get the
"You don't care about me! You don't let me do anything I like!"
I reply calmly..
If I didn't care about you, I'd let you go out with your friends to get you out of my hair, rather than enforce a curfew and have to put up with your whining. I do this, because I do care about you and want to keep you safe.
- Last and not least forgive them. As human beings, we are all flawed and we all make mistakes. It's important to let them know that you love them no less. We don't like the behaviour, but we always love the child. It is an acquired knack to let people know that you are ok with them, even though you do not condone the behaviour.
One of my favourite quotes, not by a parenting expert:
"Discipline is a symbol of caring to a child. He needs guidance. If there is love, there is no such thing as being too tough with a child. A parent must also not be afraid to hang himself. If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent."