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Last night my wife (as usual) was putting our 4.5yr-old baby girl to sleep. Our daughter becomes very chatty at that time and (especially in the presence of mom) expresses thoughts and things that happened during the day. Just then, our daughter told her mom that her eye is hurting her and if this a sign that she is going to die. My wife politely explained her that this is not the case. My daughter then asked if there are certain parts of the body that when they hurt mean she is going to die, and finally she said that she is afraid of death and she does not want to die.

2-3 days ago I had a discussion with my girl during playtime when she decided that one of her dolls is dead. I explained to her that if she (the doll) is dead, she'll never wake up again, and that is ok, because everybody eventually dies in the end, and this is the way of life.

Are those two events correlated? Was I too cynical? What should we do now?

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Just an aside: in English, we don't typically call a 4.5 year old 'baby', generally children stop being babies when they start moving around (thus becoming 'toddlers'). –  Benjol Nov 28 '11 at 11:44
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Thanks a lot. Can you tell me at what age a toddler stops being called "toddler"? –  xpanta Nov 28 '11 at 13:55
    
Haha! Excellent question, and difficult to find an answer to (just try searching for 'toddler stop'!). Wikipedia seems to think 3 years old. –  Benjol Nov 28 '11 at 14:16
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I don't want to die either. I'd say your little girl is perfectly normal. –  JSBձոգչ Nov 28 '11 at 14:29
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No it is not a duplicate. I have read this thread before asking mine. My question is not only on how to talk about death. The main idea is the fact that my kid expressed the fact that she is afraid of death. Talking about death comes as a side effect. –  xpanta Nov 28 '11 at 19:55
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3 Answers 3

up vote 8 down vote accepted

What you should do?

I don't have a scientifically proven answer - I just can tell you my experience, as we already have had many of such conversations (even at an earlier age).

I think you should talk as open as possible (and necessary) about death to her and you should show her (if possible) that it makes no sense to be afraid of death as it is (partly) beyond your control.

Our son started with 3.5 years to worry about death, often stating that he does not want to die or that he does not want us (his parents) to die, as he does not want to be left "alone". (It began when he asked for his grand-grandparents which died some years ago and whom he saw (with himself as baby) on photos.)

He had some short phases where he was talking about that at least once or even several times a day. This was very very touching and difficult for me.

What to say? I told him that we'll take care of ourselves as good as possible and that I hope we'll all live for a very long time. He said he wanted us to die after him - then I told him that mostly the parents die when their kids are already quite old and have their own families and children, so I hope he'll understand that this is typically quite far away from now.

He also had phases where it seemed to be interesting or even fascinating for him to "make" something (mostly animals) "dead" - this stopped quickly, fortunately. I explained him that the smallest animals just like himself do want to live.

EDIT
If the 2 events are correlated? Most probably: yes, but from your description it was your daughter who began making death a topic by letting her doll being dead.

  • Did you ask her first, if she knows what "being dead" means or was your explanation the instantaneous reaction to her play?
    (In the latter case I'd consider it a bit hard, but asking if the child understands the words it used and then explaining or adding - where necessary and considering the child's age and "maturity" - what it really means, is absolutely appropriate IMHO.)

  • Did she ever have experience with death before (dead animals, dead relatives or acquaintances)?

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Much thanks for your very good answer. Concerning the two bullets (a) It was my instantaneous reaction to her play. I can assure you that she didn't know what "being dead" means. She must have thought that "being dead" is similar to "being asleep" (b) She only had a minor experience with death before when a big wild bird attacked and decapitated our little yellow canary. Of course she wasn't there on the scene, but she learned afterwards what had happened. However, this took place last year. –  xpanta Nov 28 '11 at 12:56
    
@xpanta - if it was your instantaneous reaction, it might have been a bit too "hard". The canary might be a good example to explain, as he is not there anymore since his "accident". –  BBM Nov 28 '11 at 15:11
    
@xpanta I think BBM provided a very good answer. I just want to note that I don't think you were "too hard". If you said it with only 1 sentence and no further comments, then it would sound pretty cynical, but on the other hand it was also short and to the point, which is often a good way to answer. It's as a good starting point as any, I think. Anyway, the topic is one that requires several "talks" before it's clear. –  Torben Gundtofte-Bruun Nov 28 '11 at 19:19
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To be honest I also quoted Steve Jobs' comment about death on his speech at Stanford (2005) where he said that "death is very likely the single best invention of life. It's life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new." :) –  xpanta Nov 28 '11 at 20:06
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I just wanted to share, I work in a hospital and one of my co-workers is a nursing student. This student was studying one day and randomly asked me what I think my daughters biggest fears are. I responded going to the dr. He replied ok so being in pain? Yep! I asked why? It's part of their curriculum and I asked him what it said about all ages, to which he replied: infants/toddlers fear of abandonment, children it was fear of pain/ death. So I wouldn't say entirely abnormal, some kids may be more afraid than others and need a little counseling to work through it. Kids are overly sensitive and take everything literal and sometimes need to be grounded or brought back down to earth.

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I remember very well how I dealt with death when I was a child. At first there was terror, because I had serious misconceptions about death. I thought I would still be concious, but unable to move and I feared the boredom and helplessness about that. I can't remember that my parents ever talked to me about that. But now that I am a parent on my own, I wish they had told me that I won't be concious and won't be feeling anymore. So the first thing I would do, is asking your daughter what she is afraid of the most. In a lot of cases you might be able to diminish her fears and remove frightening misconceptions about death.

To deal with the thought of death, I finally came up with my own beliefs that where far more pleasing than being unable to move while concious. I believed that death is just like sleep and that I will permanently live in a dream world. I believed that every dead being lives there, that the dream world is the home for all souls. These are kind of religious believes, although my parents are not religious at all.

So in case you are religious, it might be good to get into detail of your believes after death as most religions have pleasant views of it. If you are not religious, you can still help your child with explanations that make dead less fearable, like: After death is the same as it was before you where born. You don't remember it, you don't feel it, you don't perceive anything at all. You didn't suffer before you where born, did you?

I also knew as a child that old people are likely to die. I remember refusing to go to my grandmother for the weekend, although I loved her very much. I just feared she would die, while I was there. The thought hurt me a lot and it also hurt that I felt unable to visit her. This is also something my parents never even got to know, yet I remember it so vividly. I wished someone had told me, that it is very unlikely for her to die, because she wasn't sick at all and didn't have any age related diseases. (Sidenote: She is still alive and very healthy) So the problem was again a misconception: That all old people are highly likely to die at every given moment. This could have been resolved, if someone had talked to me about that.

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