I am currently 22 years old, unmarried without children. However, I have recently being studying the vedanta, the art of living, and I would like to share observations.
My 16-year-old son says the most awful things to me. I feel he is deliberately trying to upset/provoke me constantly. For example, last night at the dinner table he said,
"I am not going to try to get into a good college because if I got into a good college - that would make you happy."
He is very oppositional. I feel that anything that I want - he wants the opposite.
When I read your question I noticed that although you are genuinely concerned about your son (as you should be) yet your happiness is contingent upon your son heeding you:
- My 16-year-old son says the most awful things to me.
- I feel he is deliberately trying to upset/provoke me constantly.
- I feel that anything that I want - he wants the opposite.
As you can see, although you genuinely want the best for your son yet you have made his well being about you. I noticed it and your son noticed it too:
"I am not going to try to get into a good college because if I got into a good college - that would make you happy."
Logically, your son knows that your concerns for him are for his own well being. However, his behavior is not governed by logic. He is acting on his desires; and to put it bluntly his desire is to undermine you. That is what makes him happy:
I remember bringing treats to his 7th grade class to celebrate his birthday and he refused to eat any or participate with the class. He just sat there with a smirk on his face the whole time.
Does this means that you son hates you? No. Don't make this about yourself. He revels in the idea of undermining you, even at the cost of his own well being. Does this mean that he hates you? No.
The vedanta, taught in Ancient India, is a subjective science which explains how to live a fulfilling life of both peace and prosperity.
One of the most important functions of the mind is to generate desires. Many of these desires could harm you. For example, for a shopaholic the desire to buy could cause them harm if they don't have the money to pay the credit card company. Without the supervision of a trained intellect such dangerous desires remained unchecked. The stronger the desire, the more difficult it is for the intellect to control it.
In my opinion, your relationship with your son is suffering because of two conflicting desires:
- Your son's desire to undermine you, even at the cost of his own well being.
- Your desire to provide the best possible life for your son.
Why does your son desire to undermine you? We don't know. People could desire anything. Some people desire being dominated and humiliated. Some people desire hurting other people. Your son desires undermining you. People can find happiness in anything.
So how can you change your son's behavior? To put it bluntly, you can't. The job of a parent is to control a child's desires until they can control their own desires. However, if you try to forcefully control your son then he will get angry. His desire has grown strong and it's very difficult to control it. Strong desires are addictive; and like any addiction they are very difficult to resist.
Prevention is always better than cure. A trained intellect can nip a harmful desire in the bud, before it becomes strong and takes hold of one's life. A parent must also nip the harmful desires of the child in the bud. It is too late for that, though.
I keep thinking this is a phase, but it feels like it has gone on too long. He is sabotaging himself to spite me. I just don't understand the logic. I really don't understand why he has it out for me when I just want him to be happy.
Another thing to understand is that there is no logic to your son's behavior. It's just pure desire. For example, an obese person might keep eating fattening food even though he knows that it's harmful for him because his desire to eat fattening food is too strong. That's all you need to understand. He needs to train his intellect in order to keep his desires in check so that he may lead a fulfilling life.
What Can You Do?
Your happiness is contingent upon your son listening to you. In my opinion, that is a major problem in your relationship with your son. Your son doesn't listen to you and that makes you unhappy.
It's not a bad thing to desire the best possible life for your son. However, what's is bad is that you are equating your present happiness to your son's future. You are afraid that your son won't have a good future and that upsets you in the present, which is sad because there are so many other things to be happy about in the present.
This doesn't mean that you shouldn't be concerned about your child's future. Every responsible parent is concerned about their child's future. However, that doesn't mean that you should be miserable in the present. The present is all you have. You can't change the past and you can't live in the future. Why squander your present by being upset?
Dissociate your present happiness from your son's unforeseeable future because if your son doesn't listen to you and keeps hurting his own future then you will be perpetually unhappy. Be concerned for your son but don't let your happiness be contingent on his future. Be happy for everything that you have in the present. If you son doesn't listen to you then don't become upset. Instead, if you show him that you are happy regardless of whether he listens to you then he might actually start to change his behavior. Care for him, nurture him and prepare him for life. However, don't waste your present being upset about his future.
I can't stress this enough: If you show your son that you are happy regardless of whether he listens to you then he might change his behavior. Your son wants to upset you. Don't let him. That doesn't mean that you stop caring for him.
If you want to learn more about vedanta then you please do visit the following website: http://www.vedantaworld.org/. We are currently endeavoring to start teaching vedanta to children in schools again, like in the olden days, so as to prepare them for life; and we are pitching this idea to the UN general assembly to promote its adoption worldwide (similar to how yoga is now adopted worldwide).