I am a young teenager, younger than 16. (I do not want to give my age online)
My dad told me he wants a divorce, but I don't want my parents divorced. My dad says he can't stand my mom anymore. My dad is older than 45 and my mom is older than 40.
If it happens, I would choose to stay with my mom. My dad can cook and drive, but my mom can't. There's a school bus in high school though.
What can I do to prevent this divorce?
I'm sorry to hear about your parents.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. And, whether it helps or not, there was nothing you could have done. This is not your fault.
Also, don't be angry at your parents. The situation they will be putting you in is not fair; no doubt about it. But, for your parents, it takes a lot to recognize that the relationship they started in isn't the one they currently find themselves in. And, honestly, living the lie of a relationship may be more destructive than breaking it up.
Divorce is a messy business, and it impact everyone, especially the kids. You have friends here to help you get through it. The people here have been the parents. Many of them were the kids, like you. Sometimes, they saw their own friends go through it.
My closing thoughts, though they may not be the most comforting, are that, while you may not be able to stop your parents' divorce, you play a big role in the relationship with your parents after the fact. Resentment and hate do not help. Recognize that your parents are still your parents, and they still love you, even if they don't love each other. Believe it or not, they are people too: people who have their own worries, fears, and insecurities. Try to extend to them all the understanding you can.
I'm sorry your father burdened you with this.
What can I do to prevent this divorce?
Honestly? You could try to guilt them into staying together. You could try to act as a marriage counselor. You could do a number of things that might help you reach your goal of preventing a divorce.
However, it's really not up to you. At best you can be one of the many factors that plays into this decision. Keep in mind, though, that by bringing it to the attention of your mother, or trying to get them to confront the possibility may actually spur them into action and actually divorce.
The statement, "My dad told me he wants a divorce" doesn't suggest that he's taken steps to start the divorce process. He may have, and maybe he's just trying to prepare you for the outcome, but at this point you might want to consider that people say things they desire but may not be willing to act on in reality. So if you do decide you want to involve yourself further, keep in mind that your actions might not have the positive effect you hope for.
If they are to stay together, though, they must both want to stay together. This means an active commitment on each part to stay together.
There are lots of resources on how to rekindle love and romance. They are usually written for the people trying to rekindle their romance, but some of them have a few ideas you can use, such as helping them remember how they felt early in their romance. You might be able to ask questions about how they met, what attracted them initially and what kept them coming back together.
Just be aware that while you are certainly an important part of their life, family, and relationship, they have to make a decision that is ultimately between the two of them. You might want to instead spend some time strengthening your own relationship with each of them individually and together, so that regardless of what happens in the future, you've secured yourself to your parents. "I'm not going to pick sides. I love both of you, and I don't want to hear you talking bad about each other." Might be something you'll find yourself saying as they work things out.
I'd recommend showing your Dad Can unhappy marriages become happy again? How? (which is the second chapter of a book). Here's a short excerpt:
Some may be surprised to learn that many unhappy marriages recover. As one respected marriage therapist and researcher, Dr. William J. Doherty at the University of Minnesota, noted, marriages are not like fruit. When fruit gets bruised or rotten, it doesn’t improve with time; you just have to toss it out. Marriages, however, often do improve over time. In a recent study,12 married Utahns were asked if they ever thought their marriage was in trouble. Nearly half (47%) said “yes.” (Utahns were even more likely than Americans in general to report this.) Nearly one in three (29%) married Utahns said that at some time they thought their marriage was in trouble and had thought about divorce. About one in ten (11%) said they had talked to their spouse about a divorce in the last three years. Nationally, about one in seven (13%) married individuals say that they have seriously thought about divorcing their spouse recently.13 But more than 94% of married individuals—both men and women—who said that their marriage at some point was in trouble said they were glad they were still together.1
Another thing that you may want to talk to your dad about is his marriage vows. See if you can find a respectful way to remind him that he promised "…for better or for worse…" and his current situation is the "…for worse…" that the vow was talking about.
Above all, remember that this situation is not your fault, and you cannot control the actions of your parents.
First off, thank you for caring enough to make a positive difference in your parents' life. You would not believe how helpful you are being, just by caring.
Now for the hard news. It can take people decades to realize this, but you can't make anybody do anything. People will always do what they want to do. You can affect their reasoning. You can help them want to stay together. You can use force and threats to help them want to stay together (this is what people often resort to when "making" someone agree with them). In the end, no matter what, they will do what they will do.
Divorce is not something parents consider lightly. It is extremely painful for everyone: not only you or your mom, but it is likely excruciatingly painful for your dad as well, even though he is the one asking for it. It is very likely that, if your dad is talking about it, the idea has so much momentum you are unlikely to stop it.
Consider that divorce is two things. One part is legal: there are a set of legal rights that husband and wife have. The divorce paperwork will end that. Fortunately, those legal details are probably not very important to you at your age. We can basically ignore those at this time.
The other part is the social part: the relationship between your parents. I'd venture to guess that this is what you really care about. The legal issues of dividing houses and finances are plenty, but they are usually not what sends aware young adults to stack exchange to ask for advice. You want your parents to stay together. The good news is there is something you can do here.
Try to help make it easier for them to repair damage. Make it easier for them to talk to each other. Try to make it easier for them to develop a healthy, respectful unmarried relationship. There are many degrees of relationships, not simply married and not-married. They are going to have to figure out their new relationship, and you can make that easier on them. You should seek to support them.
This does not have to come in the form of direct actions. Yes, talking to them helps (especially once your dad talks to your mom... don't break the ice until they're ready for you to talk unless you're really sure you know what you're doing). However, there are dozens of little things you can do. Even little things like being good about doing your chores and being easy to work with will have huge effects. You can't make your parents stay friends, but you can choose to make it as easy as possible for them to choose that way.
Now for the real secret to this approach: it's not just specific to recovering from a divorce. It's also great for supporting your parents if they don't get a divorce. It's also great for trying to help your parents resolve issues so they don't need a divorce. In all situations, trying to respect your parents and make their lives easy always helps them.
If you try something to force them to stay together, like threatening them, all of your energy is being devoted to stopping the divorce. If the divorce happens anyways, all of your work is destroyed. However, if you seek to be a positive influence, working with your parents, the story looks better. You help them choose to not divorce (by reducing stresses on them, giving them more room to resolve their issues). If they divorce, you have set yourself up to help them figure out what their new relationship is. If they work through their issues and don't divorce, you've set them up to have a better life as a family. No matter what they choose, your good work will support them!
Others are free to disagree with me here, but I find there's a paradoxical result here: the more you show that you'll support your parents no matter what they decide, the less likely they are to divorce. It seems natural to think that the best way to keep them together is to put your foot down against the divorce, but the opposite approach actually works better. If they are to dodge the divorce, they are going to have to resolve something between them. It's something hard to do, or they'd have fixed it long ago. Knowing that you will support them no matter what they decide will actually help free them up to try to resolve their issues.
Think about it like homework. How well can you concentrate on your book report when you know you have Math, History, and English homework, plus a quiz in Chemistry? Most people's mind gets frazzled when subjected to deadlines like that. Now imagine if your History and English worries were lifted, because the teachers realized they'd put too much on your plate. "If you can't finish the homework because you're too busy on book reports, that's okay. You can finish it over the weekend." Just think about how much easier it is to concentrate on the book report now. That's what you can do to help your parents. Work with them to make sure they don't have to worry about you, and can focus on healing themselves.
Ok here are some important considerations/context we don't know:
Some caveats:
What can I do to prevent this divorce?
Ultimately, you can't control the situation (and even if you could you totally shouldn't - they married each other, it's up to them to take responsibility). Accepting that is the first hard emotional reality for you. I feel for you. Whatever happens now depends on them. You also need to take care of yourself. Don't let their marital outcome consume your life. Don't consider the outcome a verdict on how much each of them loves you. This is painful. Consider it will affect you a lot. Read about this. Don't let your schoolwork slip. Keep up your outside interests. Know who your friends are. Don't abuse substances.
If they ultimately do divorce, you have some input into custody. Don't let this decision become a tug-of-love, or alimony battle. If both of them are behaving badly, frankly you don't need to live with either of them, do you have other family or friends? (Also look into the concept of 'emancipated minor' in your state/country. Don't let yourself be used as a hostage in a custody/alimony battle).
If it happens, I would chose to stay with my mom. My dad can cook and drive, but my mom can't. There's a school bus in high school though.
These are only practical considerations. You can (and should) learn to cook; you can drive/ arrange a ride/ cycle/ use the bus. But there are way more fundamental issues here they need to resolve first. Only then can all three of you collectively figure out civilized living arrangements.
To an extent, you can try to help and encourage them towards figuring out how to resolve it for themselves. But you can't determine the outcome. And don't let your self-worth depend on it. You have your own identity, whatever happens.
Like others have said, you can't really do anything to prevent your parent's divorce. It is their decision, not yours.
My parents went through cycles of separation, getting back together, divorce, remarriage, and a second divorce. This started when I was 11, and the second divorce was when I was 24. They are now both married to different people.
It was absolute hell for them, family, and close friends. Family and friends who worked hard to get them back together came to regret it.
I do have a few suggestions, some that other people have already made.
Do not take sides, no matter what the reasons for the marriage break-up were. No matter what (you think) you know, there will invariably be other things between them you don't know - and that are none of your business.
Make it clear to both of them you don't want to be a sounding board for problems with their marriage nor will you carry messages between them (i.e. they should talk with each other through their problems, not through you).
Keep in touch with both of them. Build a relationship with each them as individuals, and don't condition a relationship with either on them being together.
Encourage them to seek counseling, if they want to repair things. Drop it if either is adamant in not wanting counseling, or they don't want to reconcile.
Don't attempt to encourage or force them back together (e.g. emotional blackmail, highlighting obligations, refusing contact with one or the other to encourage them back together). Unless reconciling is their choice, it will not work.
You don't need to hide from them the fact that their break-up is, and will be, difficult for you. That is a given. However, don't use that as a lever to push them together.
Also, if they do reconcile, don't expect their relationship to be the same. The fact that separation and divorce has happened will change how they relate to each other, and it will take time for them to find a new balance.
I'd like to offer a different opinion.
I don't think there's ever 'nothing' you can do.
You may not be able to prevent your parents divorce, but whether they do or they don't divorce it's still a very important moment in all your lives and it's important that you understand why they want to divorce. If you don't understand the situation then it becomes much harder to come to terms with. If they do divorce you'll have questions preying on your mind for a very long time. If they don't divorce, without knowing why you'll find yourself always worrying whenever there's a tiny argument. This is why it's important that you know.
Nobody here can tell you why your parents are considering divorce, only your parents know and only they can explain it to you. This is why my advice to you is to confront them about it - ask them outright, be it alone or together, why they want to divorce. The truth may hurt, but not knowing will hurt more.
If you understand why they are considering divorce you can form an opinion on whether it's a good thing or a bad thing and then express your opinion to your parents. Parents always value their kid's opinions, and even if they don't agree with you they'll acknowledge your opinion, which is another important thing.
All in all, whatever happens, make sure that your parents know that you love them both and that whatever they choose to do you'll support them both, even if you don't agree with their decision. It might be hard, but it's better for everyone to part on good terms, even if you change your mind later in life.
Perhaps some useful things to remember:
Despite what happens, the sun rises and sets each day. Time passes. It is difficult for all at first however, it does get easier with time. As long as it is not acrimonious and they can continue a civil -or better relationship you may find that the opportunities that open up outweigh the disadvantages.
This is a really hard thing.
Maybe if you talked to your dad about how much it would hurt you if they split. Really seriously, not like "hey dad please don't get divorced I'd be sad".
Ask him to really try and talk to your mom about what's bothering him. I'm sure they could work it out.
As nearly everyone here is suggesting, there is nothing you can do. It's tough and not the answer you want to hear, but it is true. You're in that tough place in life where you recognize problems and desire to remedy them, but you lack experience to even know where to start or if you should even try. You're probably smart enough to learn what to do and even properly apply that knowledge, but even then adults will mostly ignore any bit of wisdom you might have on an issue, especially your own parents.
There are a few things you can do. The most important is to do your best to facilitate kind and loving behavior between your parents, despite the fact they are separating. In other words, stress to them the importance that they at least get along. Divorce is hard enough by itself, and ten times harder when the two divorcing can't even sit down to have Christmas dinner together. Their marriage might dissolve, but your family doesn't have to. Keep the peace and your family will stay together even if their marriage does not.
The next thing you can do is personally come to terms with what is happening. You need to accept that your parents are individual persons with their own ideas. The sooner you accept that they will do what they will, the sooner you can quickly move past the anger, sorrow, and depression that comes with this kind of thing. Which leads to the final thing you can do.
Be sensitive to your parents feelings and thoughts about this. Whether you believe they are acting in the right or not, be sure to keep the peace between you and them. I strongly suspect you love both your parents and they both love you. Do not forget that and keep showing them that love daily even though you are not happy with their decisions.
In summary:
You cannot stop what they are going to do. What you can do:
You number one goal should be to help the family still resembles one even if they do divorce.
Your dad told you he wants a divorce, but did he say he is actually filing for one? Your mom may not know at all yet.
Everyone's story is different, and actively trying to do something about it might be the very thing that guarantees it happens. So first things first, try to remain calm.
Now, let me tell you a little about what I know as a parent. It might give some insight on what they're going through.
There are very few things that ever happen in one's life that causes so much chaos as having kids. Even when the horror is at its highest, you still love them. Even people I know who are what I would call less than ideal parents say the same. Like Nick said, it's not your fault. You might be the only thing keeping them together.
But as a parent, every little thing makes every day a thousand times harder. You think keeping your room clean is hard? Try working all day every day and cleaning up after everyone, cooking every meal, undoing the damage caused by kids during the day, diapers, bills, and everything else that relentlessly pummels you - all while never being thanked for it, or even being treated like everyone expects you to be the only one doing everything. When the force is hard enough, even something as simple as not closing a pantry door can drive you to resent the people you love.
I say it harshly like that because it happens to even the kindest and most positive people. When I feel the anger coming, it feels like it is attacking me. Somewhere inside I know that I am not really upset just because a door was left open, but that it seems like nobody appreciates anything I do anymore, and that my whole existence is simply for the purpose of perpetuating other people's comforts while my own interests, hobbies, and happiness fade away. I don't let it get me. I laugh now, thinking how silly so many of the worst things really are. It is possible this is how your dad feels, but it is possible he has not yet learned how to let go of the resentment and try to remember that your mom may also be his friend. A good friend would want their friends to be happy. In some cases it means enduring. In some cases it means changing the definition of their friendship. In some cases it means leaving.
I can't say for a fact that your parents can get along anymore. We don't know why your dad says he can't stand your mom. But supposing it was possible for them to forget the tension, it might be good to remember the things they used to love doing and why they loved doing them. I would not suggest you try to arrange this, by the way. I am not a professional by any means. But passive inception and being positive could trigger something that gets them to focus on what they loved about being together, and possibly think less about whatever the fantasy of being apart is.
So much of the pressures of being a parent faded for me when I realized the only thing oppressing me was me, not my family. They all have the same amount of chaos attacking them, so instead of getting angry, I just understand that sometimes they need a break. Sometimes they need to sleep half the day away. And sometimes they just need to leave a pantry door open.
In short, everyone is human. Everyone deals with their issues in their own way. There's no universal answer that can correct their marriage. But statistically speaking, getting angry about it or behaving irrationally will not help.
I'm pretty sure you don't want your family structure to change, but have you thought about why? What is it exactly that you fear most about your parents getting divorced?
I know you're young for this.
Nobody has a life manual. But I can tell you one thing: Even if the divorce of your parents seems to be a bad thing and its gonna hurt you, EVERYTHING is for GOOD. You'll become a stronger person, you'll value the meaning of family much more than your parents did so you'll be able, in the future, to make your own family without making the same mistakes your parents did. You are in this world to became a better human been than your antecesors and hopefully, help others in your way. The more you suffer, the stronger you'll become. Just move on little buddy, I know it sounds a little thug but I know you will get over it because it seems that you want to solve your problem. You're in the right way, believe me :).
Don't forget to share your feelings with a good friend or a relative. It's healthy to talk about it.
You have a friend here for everything I can help.
Regards little buddy.
You can't. I'm sorry. It sucks, it really does.
Most importantly this situation is not your fault. But unfortunately you can't stop it because it's something the two people involved have to solve for themselves.
You can ask them to go to family counseling where you could voice your feelings and if they refuse you could seek your school guidance counselor (or religious leader if that is more comfortable for you) to have someone to talk to yourself.
Yes you can do something. I have seen broken marriages turn around by coming to God through Jesus. If you rely on reasoning then you will only get so far and probably fail, as most of the other answers have said. However if you recognize that we are made in the image of God, and come to him, then everything can change and it does. Turn to God firstly yourself, he won't hear your prayers unless you let go of whatever junk you carry - find a Bible and read Psalm 66. Repent and be baptized. Once you are willing to come to God, then you can resist the work that the enemy is doing (see John 10:9-10), and pray, taking authority over the situation that your parents eyes will be opened (2 Cor 4:4). Bless you, there is hope. I have seen miracles occur to save marriages in a short time once peoples eyes are opened.
Divorce is something hard, as a teen you get affected a lot from that, the attention and the care you seek is not available all the time. Because you parents are already busy with there problems. Your grades at school might get effected also because you also be distracted.
Stopping the divorce ? well sometime it is good your parents to get divorced, because they are not able to understand each other and they are not having a good relationship together , so separation will let them feel conforteble , I am saying that because of an experience , my parents are divorced , trust me I am really glad because they are divorced, I am really having good time with them , I can see them whenever I want and they are happy.
So, there's nothing a teenager can do?
I am not that sure. While children are never the reason for a divorce, they are still a powerful influence in the family.
Here's a video from the Robbins Madanes Institute. Hannah, a 13 yearold has made two suicide attempts because her parents were fighting.
http://rmtcenter.com/what-to-assume-about-your-child/
After a 60 minute talk and the six days of the seminar, the child gained the confidence and the knowledge to influence her mother and eventually her father. Watch it completely. Some people merely judge the seminar setting and miss all the relevant points.
She stopped being a victim of her parent's crazyness. She stopped siding with her mother, understood both parents and was finally able to do the right things.
You cannot force your parents to stay married.
But if your parents are under the illusion that "children suffer in a bad marriage" or "the kids will understand" or "it will all work out for the best", you can speak up. And now is the best time to do that.
Consider telling your dad,
"I love you. I love Mom. I want you to be happy together. Divorce is evil."
If your dad is neither alcoholic, depressed, suicidal, nor violent consider telling him that divorce is worse (for the survivors) than death. (I have seen strong evidence for this in the work of Wallerstein, Gottman, and Malloy.)
If either you or either of your parents is religious, ask your dad if he has talked about what he is going through with the priest/pastor/minister.
If you can afford it, give him a copy of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith Wallerstein. She followed up with the children of "best case scenario" divorces in a San Francisco suburb -- and the results were, um, not good. If you cannot afford it, borrow a copy from a library and lend it to him.
Some other good resources:
Ask your parents to get help for their marriage. Try to find an organization like agme.org that helps marriages that are in trouble. Encourage them to give it a try. Talk to someone that both parents respect and will listen to - your church pastor, respected family member etc.
I feel badly for you - be sure to lean on God at this time.
Also try: Go to Focus on the Family's website and ask to speak with a counselor. They are very experienced and can help you. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/ (1-800-232-6459) (M-F: 6 a.m. – 8 p.m. MST).
