She's getting in very deep very quickly with a boy who has been in social care a fair bit over his life and has anger management issues, she's not even fully part of our household yet. Please help (advice, resources, but can't really afford books atm.)
Big backstory here - apologies but the context is probably relevant.
Me and partner are in north of UK and over that 'young adult' stage of our lives. We've been together since we were her age and helped raise my youngest sister who is gonna move in with us. She's already, before we've had a chance to lay the ground rules, been in town and met a few people who live close to us so is already socialising with them. It seems history repeats itself as she's babysitting (unpaid) with this guy who has very young brothers and sisters, to help him.
My dad was abusive and left my mum when my sister was about six. My mum put unfair responsibility on me. I in turn roped in my partner more and more and this damaged both of us and our relationship (we're good now, but are constantly working on us). Sister has suffered a lot and lost grades etc. etc. She's with us to give her the environment that she deserves to get herself on track (with our help), college is setup and she's heading there in September and will have a heavy workload. She wasn't disciplined at mums but was at the same time treated really badly. Bad combo! Her attendance was worst in the year until her last year when I basically said enough is enough and took control with the school and mum. For the past six or seven years the relationship between me, sis and partner is of loving, casual support. Taking her places. Encouraging her. Listening to her etc. trying to create a corrective script (see page 173 if it's still available) but now we're at a point where things could go either way.
It's just sod's law that before she's made that transition between mum's and our's that she's already diving deep into this guys life. She has a very bad attachment because of our terrible dad and the tough relationship between us and mum.
Anxious-preoccupied adults seek high levels of intimacy, approval and responsiveness from partners, becoming overly dependent. They tend to be less trusting, have less positive views about themselves and their partners, and may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry and impulsiveness in their relationships. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disorganized_attachment#Attachment_in_adults
And I'm just scared that after all the hard work, time and money from me and partner she's going to have the destructive relationship that I have tried to prevent her from seeking out. Knowing myself, and knowing her I worry it's too late. Also - perhaps most importantly - she used to lie to mum, so now I'm 'mum' I'm worried that there's no way I can trust her. She get's very defensive of her friends and will do, probably even more of this new guy, she reacts instinctively when she senses I'm concerned about it all (kids who are abused tend to have to learn how to tell what adults around them are feeling etc.)
I recognise that my anxiety will in part stem from all my mistakes and being paranoid because I've been that troubled guy and I'm aware that partner has anxiety which in part stems from the time she lost and pain she felt over the years being pulled into such a complex and destructive situation. I also know that "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you".
OK, so things got a lot (, lot) worse before they got better and so ten months later I'm posting a second update. The first is at the bottom and could be a trigger for people. The second (just below) is not.
My sister has moved to another college. A college with a brilliant support system (partly because it's for kids with lower grades) and she's doing a course that she loves. She lives with us again, after about six months of living back with my mum. Her and mum are mostly on talking terms but because of some drama my sister chose to keep a polite distance. My mum, for the most part, understands that and things are, relatively, OK. She is not with the boy anymore! :D He was an ********. The solution was actually really simple but is unfortunately not something that most people will be able to do: she went back to my mum and was therefore a train and bus journey away from him. Funnily enough after not very long he found he wasn't getting what he wanted (someone to control and have around constantly) and so he broke up with my sister! My sister could see, with some time and space, that he was bad news. I sucked it up and accepted that I needed to make a nest for her, and that she could do whatever she wanted. I did this. She started running and got super fit. I carried on not putting any pressure on her and she got a new job. The problem (and therefore why this worked) is because she was always given loads of independence but was too inexperienced to understand her predicament. So I had to respect that she would - and was always going to - do whatever the heck she wanted. Overtime she wanted to buy things and saw the value of getting a job, so she got one. After a while we were able to talk about why certain things that happened were bad and she's now knowledgeable about that sort of thing and relationships. Now she's got loads of friends and a new (nice) boyfriend and so we were lucky enough to put all of that behind us.
trigger warning ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
edit: 5 months on and she's not living with us anymore. He was unsuprisingly abusive. Self harm and suicide have been issues. She dropped out of college. She got a job. She left her job. They're off and on in cycles of ridiculous emotional abuse that with all the lies appears to not be there but with lies there is no trust so nobody has any idea. It all fell apart she barely talks to me and the stress was unbearable. The one positive is that (to some extent) the relationship with her mum improved. I think in retrospect I will consider this period of our lives as just one of those unavoidable trainwrecks. The only thing that was needed was for her mum to show her love so she wasn't so desperate to seek it from this boyfriend. Let that be a lesson to all the tough love parents who take their own stress out on their children. Love isn't a complex thing. Very sad :(