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A little back story to understand my relationship with my mom. I'm 25 and I live with her alone for almost 20 years (my brother is 12 years older than me, and he moved together with his wife 8 years ago, before that he worked a lot, often slept at his workplace or lived at dorm, so he was rarely at home). My mom always pampered (best word?) me, when I was in high school he always said that at summer I have to work anywhere, but when summer came she never forced (me of course neither, because it was good for me to stay home instead). Now when I think about it, I feel anger at her, because I think I could have achived more in my life till now if she was stronger about this. At the university (in my hometown) at first I was not a good learner, I failed a few classes, because it was new for me that I had so much freedom. I "of course" never told her about the failed classes. I once wanted to, but before I was able she told me if the university will take longer than it should then she will not tolerate it (she almost yelled that). It's hard to explain, but it's like she always tried to terrorize me (I know it's a strong word, but still true). At the end I finished the university, but not the master only bachelor and she learned that only at my graduation (she accepted it surprisingly easy, but later she often said when we had an argument, that I should remember, that how calm she was when she find out).

She always said me, that I could tell him anything like for a friend, but I never wanted. For me, that so called friend in my family was my brother despite the age difference. I never told her that, because I was always a bit afraid of her. Maybe because she always yelled when there was a problem.

Now I have a girlfriend who will move in another city and I would like to follow her. She will study there, and I would like to work. For 5-6 years I always wanted to move out from home, but seriously only for 2 years, but then I met my girlfriend, before that I also found a job here in my town. But now that she leaves I also want, we decided that already back in december. Half a month ago we had a quarrel or better say my mother yelled at me after I went home from a 2 day trip with my girlfriend, and I didn't called her every day. She then yelled she hopes I don't want to move to my girlfriend (he also lives with her parents, so it's impossible), and that I don't want to follow her where she goes to university. To the second I didn't told no, just gave an evasive answer.

(A few years ago my brothers wife told my mom, that she thinks I should have gone to unversity in another city, just to be a little independent. My mom of course was angry how she dare to say that, but I - never said it loud - agreed with this oppinion.)

On the other hand we have a good relationship, but I don't want to live there anymore, I want to live my own life. The fact that I have a girlfriend who is moving away was the last thing for me to decide to go, even that I met here convinced me to stay here yet for a while.

I just don't know how to tell this to my mother. I know that she loves me and she don't want to stay here alone (my brother also lives in this town, so alone only means the house), but I want to go and try to reach my life goals. I just fear that if I tell her, she will be furious, she will yell, and I'm tired to try to make a normal argument with her, when I know that it will be only a one way dialogue. I also fear that she will blame my girlfriend.

I know, I should speak with her, but still don't know how, so if someone has an idea or something, then please go on!

The question is, what should I say to her, how should I tell that I'm old enough to move out without pique her and without start a one way yell argument again?

Sorry for the long post, I just feel this was needed.

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closed as primarily opinion-based by user3143, William Grobman, Rory Alsop, Joe, Jax Jun 20 '14 at 2:48

Many good questions generate some degree of opinion based on expert experience, but answers to this question will tend to be almost entirely based on opinions, rather than facts, references, or specific expertise.If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

Welcome to Parenting Stack Exchange. This forum is really for parents asking for advice about raising children, so probably your question will be placed on hold. I answered it below anyway, because I know how hard what you are trying to do is. – MJ6 Jun 10 '14 at 13:32
Sure, I will edit it! – matthew3r Jun 10 '14 at 13:53
matthew - I would suggest deleting everything except your last two sentences. The rest is background that isn't necessary for the question. – Rory Alsop Jun 17 '14 at 10:46
This question appears to be off-topic because it a question coming from child about how to deal with a parent, instead of the other way around. – Jax Jun 20 '14 at 2:48
How is this question "closed as primarily opinion-based"? Isn't every single question on this forum primarily opinion-based? – rotard Aug 4 at 21:43

1 Answer 1

up vote 3 down vote accepted

Negotiating boundaries in families can be very tricky. The first time you stand up for something you believe in against a parent who you know won't be happy about is difficult. Be comforted knowing that pretty much every adult you know got through it, and so will you.

You are an adult, and it is time for you to make this step. Choose your words ahead of time, practice them, and stick with them like a broken record that repeats and repeats. The "trick" is to stay calm, to not get drawn into arguments, and to keep repeating.

Start with a thank you, like: "Mom, you have done a great job raising me, you saw me through university and I know that was tough. You have prepared me to be an adult, and I love you for it."

Then state your case: "Now that I am an adult, I need to start taking charge of my life. Amy has taken a job in X City, and I have decided to go there with her for work."

Your mother will likely have much to say on the subject, asking you how you are going to do this and do that, and you should calmly stick to your statement, that you are an adult, and it is time for you to take charge of your own life, you will figure it out, but you appreciate how much she cares. Repeat repeat repeat.

There is a classic book on the subject of creating new boundaries in relationships called The Dance of Anger. It was written back in the 80s and it is still consistently checked out at the library where I work. The author, Harriet Lerner, takes you through example after example of how this works, so that by the end of the book, you feel ready to try it.

Good luck!

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Thank you for your comment and for your answer! I know it's mostly for parents, but I found some questions what were from "children" like me, so I made a try. "Stay calm" - Yes, that's the most important thing I think. Also repeating sounds logical too. I don't know when will I talk with her (if I have a chance then before than after). – matthew3r Jun 10 '14 at 13:53
@matthew3r Just remember that you can't do anything to make her not shout about this, if that's what she really wants to do. You can't make her happy with this if she's unhappy with it, but you also can't let her unhappiness change your mind. – SevenSidedDie Jun 10 '14 at 19:13
That's right, and I don't want it to happen. I already decided that I want - and I need - to move out and I will. – matthew3r Jun 11 '14 at 5:29

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