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I've taken everything except for three outfits, a bed cover, and her pillow.

What is my next step?

I rarely whoop my girls, but my 13 yr old has pushed me 4 times in 3 months to have to spank her!

I give her ways to get her stuff back, but as of today she has lost the chance to earn anything back until she can respect me, and lose that smart mouth!

She repeats every problem behavior my oldest had done, just 50 times worse!

I raised my kids kind of strictly. They have morals, and know right from wrong. They know their manners and know how to say "yes ma'am," "no ma'am," when to be quiet, and when to speak, but it seems like both my girls have to learn things the hard way. They do seem to learn from it, though!

My 13 year old thinks she's always right and knows everything. I don't know the reason she thinks she can tell me "No," or smart-mouth me, but she is sadly mistaken.

My question is: what do you think my next move should be?

I had a strict upbringing as a child, and probably got spanked, but I think it helped make me into a good person, so I am not opposed to the idea of spanking, if it will help.

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I am not looking forward to these days with the daughter :( my sons are 9 and 11 and they are already starting to get crazy and like you.. I have taken everything away in attempts to not whoop them but it seems the time is coming.. good luck –  Tony Apr 8 at 13:38
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We have a few questions on here about raising respectful children - one of the general directions is that more trust, love, care and reward is much more important than 'whooping' and acting like a child yourself. (Correct me if I misunderstood your post - I am unsure whether I read it correctly) –  Rory Alsop Apr 8 at 16:08
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I've made some significant edits to this, to help clarify what you are asking. Please feel free to make further changes as you feel necessary. I also ask that everyone remember to vote based on the quality of the question itself, and not how it is worded or presented. –  Beofett Apr 8 at 18:50
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OP, I would also suggest that you provide more details about the actual behavior your daughter is exhibiting. It will be difficult, if not impossible, to provide you with specific advice if we don't know what type of things your daughter is doing that you consider disrespectful. It would also help if we knew what you have done (aside from taking all her possessions) so far. I removed a lot of detail on your upbringing, because your daughter's upbringing, what your expectations for her are, and how you've attempted to address the situation so far are far more relevant. –  Beofett Apr 8 at 19:00
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Everyone doesn't understand is your response to all the advice given. No, it is impossible to understand the full scope of your situation. You did, however, seek the views and advice of others by posting your question here. If you did not want their views, but validation of your own view, then you sought the wrong means of achieving that goal. We offer the best we have with the information and experience we have... it is not perfect, but I dare say that the approval of your 15yo of your methods ought not be your consolation for your methods. –  Jeremy Miller Apr 9 at 13:09

4 Answers 4

Raising a child is not a game of chess. There is not a "next move."

When I was 12 was the last time I was spanked. It was by my mother. I couldn't help but laugh at her attempt. My very strong timber-faller stepdad then assaulted me by kicking and punching me. Do you know what lesson I learned? Despise him. 25 years later, that is the sum of my memory of him.

When I was younger, I was (along with my siblings) routinely beat by my father and watched my mother get beat when she tried to protect us from his abuse. I've always been a "thinker", so I reasoned at the time that since they could take everything away from me, I would hold on to the one thing they never could -- my mind. The result was that years later my mother complained to a therapist that she couldn't find a way to discipline (proper ways being tried at that time), because everything she came up with, I found some way to enjoy. With all of my stuff taken from me except for a bed and the clothes on my back, I entertained myself by imagining great armies of light and dark in the light coming through my windows and the shade in the corner and visualized them battling it out. Consequences: Nothing learned from the punishment, but a great imagination developed!

Isaac Asimov wrote in one of his books, "violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."

My daughter is 14. I have spanked her, but not since she was 3 or 4 (and then for justifications I have since learned were not the best means of achieving my end goals). She has rules. She has structure. And, quite importantly, she follows the rules most of the time and where she breaks them unintentionally, I remind her of the rules, but where she breaks them on purpose, there are consequences catered both to what she desires (the punishment being restricting or taking them away) and ensuring such behavior does not recur (in that future punishments will be greater in whichever way is most appropriate for her particular thing about which she cares.)

Your goal as a parent ought not be one of controlling and forcing your child -- it will serve zero purpose in helping them in their future lives and seriously damage their perception of you for years to come. Your goal ought to be to help them be critically-thinking, well-balanced adults.

To that end, I suggest getting to know your child better by spending time with them in activities they enjoy, chatting about their day-to-day lives, playing various games (either digital or real-world), and even asking their opinion about various things such as philosophy, politics, religion, sports, etc. If you get to know them better, you will understand them better. When you understand where someone is coming from; when you can see something through their eyes; when they feel you have walked a mile in their shoes, you will be granted respect (respect is something earned, not the result of a demand acceded to.) With that respect your child(ren) will not suddenly become perfect angels, but will be more receptive to your guidance.

The guidance and instruction you provide, however, must be in a form suitable for the situation. Remember the old saying, "a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."

As a parent, you are a leader. Lead by example and remember there are 2 types of leaders (in a summary fashion): those who are followed because others are forced and those who follow because others love them.

The choice you make as to which type of leader you are will define all of your choices from there on out.

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What's for all the advice this I'll let you don't know about what has taken place in her life. The one respect is not a control thing is a matter of respect and morals. I do talk to my children we alot we been rough lately but we fix that but when i fix my end she's gotta fix her end ! I just got but back 9n my feet an a full job! but I do believe that a 13 year does not have the right to rule the house I will text back respect it all of my authority as a pair and the control of the House the way I need to Show her age! What's is the next thing to do it is, all a learning lesson! –  user75702 Apr 9 at 3:07
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@Jeremy Miller +1 for a lot of reasons, the cream of the crop being "respect is something earned, not the result of a demand acceded to." –  Jax Apr 9 at 3:13
    
@Jax agreed with you on that one. Honestly, my favorite part of this answer, and something my father at least didn't really understand, due to his upbringing. –  Waterseas Apr 16 at 22:36

Whatever you are doing is clearly not working. Doing more of the same will give more of the same result.

If you have already taken everything from your daughter then she now has nothing to lose; this puts you in a position of weakness and makes the situation even more difficult.

Perhaps what you need to a "reset" in your relationship with your daughters. I've had to do this a couple of times with my willful daughter to clear the air so we can move on.

  • Firstly, forget everything that has happening before, you all need to start from a clean slate. Keep in mind your daughters have probably built up a lot of mistrust and resentment. The reset needs to go both ways.
  • Work out just what you want from your kids. Fear is not respect. Are your expectations reasonable?
  • Sit down with your daughters tell them that you want to start again. Return all of their possessions without condition - you must establish trust. Discuss with them what your expectations are (chores, courtesy, etc). Listen to what they have to say. Remember, it is the long term gains you are after even it is means you let a few things slide is the short-term.
  • Be patient and work with them. This may take a while. Offer them incentives to get them to comply rather than fear of punishment. Every time you show anger, you lose ground. An incentive is not a bribe. It might be as simple as do your chores and I'll help you with your homework.
  • You should enjoy your relationship with your children. If it is not enjoyable (both ways) then something is wrong and should be addressed.

Spanking (in my experience) does not work. When a child is spanked, it relieves them of guilt and prevents them from having to look at what they did wrong. It all becomes about the spanking.

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Let me me to tell you what I was work everyday of my life an last year I think my dad for everything with that he gave me! we're a go back to the Bible hear the Bible says it says spare the rod spoil the child! but that's a matter of opinion I didn't ask if you believes in my spanking my children or not. All raised a 15 that is still with me nowwith me now My kids love this discipline with the 13 year old for her to win something but she has to print things are changing –  user75702 Apr 9 at 3:28
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@user75702 - You ask "What is my next step?" and then state that you have spanked your daughter recently. I would say that I am allowed to offer my opinion about spanking. Going by the comments you've left and the original question, you have a very definite view of parenting and discipline. I'm just not sure what you expected to hear. –  dave Apr 9 at 4:17
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@user75702 If your whole take on the bible is that one scripture and you're still having problems, talk to your pastor/priest. You have much to learn on the teachings in those books. –  Jeremy Miller Apr 9 at 13:12
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@user75702 There have been an unusually high number of excellent answers to this question of yours, yet you refuse to listen to any of them from the sounds of things. When you ask a question, expect to potentially receive differing views. Don't ask a question just to try and reassure yourself you're doing the right thing, and then get hissy when others disagree with you. –  Waterseas Apr 16 at 22:39

It appears there has been a complete erosion of respect, on both sides of this relationship. I highly recommend seeking outside, trained (be it pastoral care or professional) assistance in rebuilding a foundation of trust & respect. 13 is tough age to start this process, but it is doable. It will take time.

I also suggest learning collaborative negotiation. Right now I doubt your daughter has any respect for your authority, and will just perceive any consequences you dole out to be unjust. This means there will not be any learning or real behavior modification -- just increasing resentment. Negotiation on the other hand will let you guide her toward healthy behavior. It may not directly alter her choices, but at least you can get your wisdom communicated. If you're really lucky she may share with you her core motivations, which gives you the opportunity to provide further guidance (e.g. you can still party when your 25, but now is the best time to earn scholarships).

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there's 2 things you need to understand she lost 2 dad as one didnt want her and one just walked away and nobody can ever handle her but me of something upset her an don't I know how to fix it she's been an end and out of counseling for 7 years with her real dad take yeah that's what she doesn't like counselors –  user75702 Apr 9 at 3:14
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Agree - this situation is complicated, and the solution will be one of rebuilding the relationship. Outside help is needed - a third party that can objectively observe interactions and teach a new way to interact. –  MJ6 Apr 13 at 16:15

Looks like she's laughing at your restrictions. I am not against spanking but kids this age are total aliens to me. Mi kids are still smaller and I shake when I anticipate their teens. One thing is clear: you need to stop the disrespect before it goes uncontrollable.

Is homeschooling for a couple of months a possibility for you?

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