I am a little bit confused about the feelings I have toward my parents. Since my parents started to have some problems with money the peace in my family was gone. They started to blame their children (at that time I was just 16 years-old, now I am 22) because they were never able to find a solution for that. So the easiest thing is to blame the children.
Basically after all those problems, my mother lied to my father and hided from him that she requested money from his best friend (in that time), she lies very very often in order to ask for money (unfortunately is difficult to believe her). So she has some problems with her business, I think it's not profitable anymore and to hide all those financial problems she continues to ask money inventing some lies (included me and my siblings). But in the end I love her, because she always gave to their children what she could and what she couldn't. She is not selfish person.
On the other hand, my father always paid the bills (he had luck to find nice job, then he got fired, and my mother was covering him for 10 years until he retired) but now he always thinks that he is the boss in the family, basically he does nothing, as for e.g. cleaning the dishes or helping with the house. He only pays. I feel I have worst relationship with my father because he hit me in the past, I mean, he never put on hand on me but he told me things that one father should never tell to his son. The example that I have always in my memory is when I was working with 18 years-old and he came to my place of work, drunk and he told me "I kill you", since then I have a lot of negative emotions towards him. However, I know he paid me a lot of things, I have studied and 6 months ago finished my bachelor. I am thankful to him for that.
Basically I see my father as the one who pays but also as the one who will tell you and remind you all the time that he pays. Although he is very selfish, buying some expensive stuff for him and then blaming to save money in the energy for e.g. .
As I couldn't continue in that bad environment I moved away from the house and country. However I feel bad some times because I see they aren't helping me that much as I expected. I will go back now for a visit to home, but I have so many things to be solved. I need to know which feelings I have towards them. I love them but I have so many negative emotions when seeing their figure in my mind. What should I do?
Thanks and sorry for long post.