Parenting Stack Exchange is a question and answer site for parents, grandparents, nannies and others with a parenting role. Join them; it only takes a minute:

Sign up
Here's how it works:
  1. Anybody can ask a question
  2. Anybody can answer
  3. The best answers are voted up and rise to the top

I am a little bit confused about the feelings I have toward my parents. Since my parents started to have some problems with money the peace in my family was gone. They started to blame their children (at that time I was just 16 years-old, now I am 22) because they were never able to find a solution for that. So the easiest thing is to blame the children.

Basically after all those problems, my mother lied to my father and hided from him that she requested money from his best friend (in that time), she lies very very often in order to ask for money (unfortunately is difficult to believe her). So she has some problems with her business, I think it's not profitable anymore and to hide all those financial problems she continues to ask money inventing some lies (included me and my siblings). But in the end I love her, because she always gave to their children what she could and what she couldn't. She is not selfish person.

On the other hand, my father always paid the bills (he had luck to find nice job, then he got fired, and my mother was covering him for 10 years until he retired) but now he always thinks that he is the boss in the family, basically he does nothing, as for e.g. cleaning the dishes or helping with the house. He only pays. I feel I have worst relationship with my father because he hit me in the past, I mean, he never put on hand on me but he told me things that one father should never tell to his son. The example that I have always in my memory is when I was working with 18 years-old and he came to my place of work, drunk and he told me "I kill you", since then I have a lot of negative emotions towards him. However, I know he paid me a lot of things, I have studied and 6 months ago finished my bachelor. I am thankful to him for that.

Basically I see my father as the one who pays but also as the one who will tell you and remind you all the time that he pays. Although he is very selfish, buying some expensive stuff for him and then blaming to save money in the energy for e.g. .

As I couldn't continue in that bad environment I moved away from the house and country. However I feel bad some times because I see they aren't helping me that much as I expected. I will go back now for a visit to home, but I have so many things to be solved. I need to know which feelings I have towards them. I love them but I have so many negative emotions when seeing their figure in my mind. What should I do?

Thanks and sorry for long post.

share|improve this question

First and foremost, your parents are the only parents you have, and they will always be your parents. It can be easy at times to forget this, particularly while you are angry at them, but underneath it all, they're your family, and you (almost certainly) love them.

Being angry/disappointed/frustrated with someone is not mutually exclusive with loving them.

Everyone has flaws. As children, it is usually much harder for us to see the flaws in our parents. This makes it somewhat disconcerting when you suddenly reach the point in your life where you're able to start noticing them.

The first step I'd suggest for you to find a way to reconcile your relationship with your parents is one you've already taken: move out, and get some distance (both literal and figurative) between you.

Once you're not dealing with the problems at your home, it becomes easier to let go of the anger.

The second thing I'd suggest is... talk to them.

Pick one thing you'd like to address, with either your mother or your father. My suggestion would be the comment from your father about killing you. He was drunk, and it clearly bothers you a lot. Tell him that you remember that, and that it still upsets you. Don't bring up the subject in front of your mother or anyone else, by the way... this should just be between you and your father.

Try to use "I" language. It sounds less accusatory. By "I" language, focus on what you felt, and how you perceived things. Say things like "it really scared me" or "I was really upset" or even "I don't know if you meant it", rather than "you really scared me," "you really upset me," or "did you mean it?".

Once you've opened the subject on one of the things that's bothering you... give it time. Don't bring up the next issue the next time you go and visit, or possibly even the time after that. Be sure to try and have several visits where there is no confrontation or stress (or, if that can't be avoided, try to ensure that you aren't the one initiating it).

Situations like this take time to heal. Years, in my experience. Have patience.

share|improve this answer
Great answer. It also might be a good idea to see a therapist about your feelings if it is affecting your life. Since this isn't a disorder or an ongoing source of pain, you would probably only need a few sessions to learn some techniques and ideas to improve your situation. – Philip Jan 15 '14 at 23:06
I agree to the Therapist. What you describe sounds like natural reactions, but incredibly hard to navigate on your own/just with your family. It will take time to get all this sorted out in your head alone; the heart will possibly need even more time. – Layna Apr 1 '15 at 13:05

Your Answer


By posting your answer, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.